Author Topic: ex nihilo

sam

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ex nihilo
« on: June 18, 2014 »
Quote
Dear GOD! I am in the presence of GENIUS!

[Clears throat to make Genius Acceptance speech at the Princeton Institute for Advanced Study before a packed audience of resident scholars and visiting genii.]



Thank you. Thank you very much. It's not the first time I've been called a genius, but everybody keeps forgetting. [Pauses for polite laughter.] Any brains I have are entirely… sorry. Could you sit down up front please? As you can see, most of the scientists here today are too short to ride the Big Wheel at Six Flags. [Pauses for slightly less indulgent laughter.] As I was saying… sir, please. If you would only… wait a minute. You look familiar. That shock of unkempt white hair, the lack of socks, the gaze into eternity that characterized portraits in your latter years. It could only be Albert Einstein Himself! We all thought you had passed away, though there were rumours you were in seclusion working on the "theory of everything". Ladies and gentlemen, could we please give a big hand to… Mr. Einstein, I notice your hand just fell off. Could somebody please help Mr Einstein with his hand? Mr Dawkins, you're sitting closest. [A mild commotion.] Mr Dawkins, have you been bitten? Mr Einstein, there will be refreshments after my speech. [The evolutionary biologist screams "Oh my God!" as Albert Einstein continues to gnaw at his cheek. Reporters get on their phones. "Dawkins Finds God in Gory End" will headline The Times the next morning.] Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Einstein appears to not be himself today. Perhaps it would be best if we… Mr Dawkins? May I ask why you just bit Stephen Hawking? ["Because he's an easy target!" yells a string theory groupie in the back to titters, though a soupçon of horror is finally starting to creep in.] Is there a doctor in the house? [All hands shoot up except for Einstein's and Hawking's. Even if his muscles weren't already compromised, Dawkins has reached the marrow.] I mean real doctors. [All hands reluctantly go down.] If any of the event organizers are here, perhaps they could sort this out? [Drops notes in haste and exits stage left. Which is unfortunately where the stagehands were bitten earlier.]



Footnotes
Six Flags Big Wheel (height restriction: none with adult)
Theory of Everything
Theory of Nothing (for balance)
Richard Dawkins
Angelina Jolie Butts Heads With Richard Dawkins over Santa Claus (just plain newsworthy)
Stephen Hawking
String Theory
Einstein's brain
Einstein's refrigerator
Mmmmm...


I see some of those links are d e a d dead. Oh well. It is the way of all things.

sam

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est aliquid
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2015 »


Max Planck, another genius and early investor in Al's fridge business, was born today in 1858. He devised the Planck constant, an equation which is too complicated to go into here but elegantly calculates the quantum of action (not to be confused with the action flick Quantum of Solace) which powers a cyclist unless stopped by a pub. Perhaps ironically, Planck was a somewhat inept mechanic and was forever pestering his doctoral student Lise Meitner to repair any punctures, though he always took credit for successful inflations.

Here he is returning Einstein's wallet after mischievously pickpocketing it at Comic Con '29; they were both fans of Buck Rogers, who was giving a talk on radioactivity-induced suspended animation.