are tough for independent astrologers. The conglomerates are taking
over, and what work remains has been largely outsourced. This cutthroat
environment is not conducive to productive prognostication at
all. In these circumstances, a scattershot approach is most effective.
It's a percentage game.
Perhaps unaware of the Kafkaesque precedent, you'll transmogrify into
a Bianchi - one of the lower specced models, to add insult to injury.
Family and friends will be understanding; coworkers less so, until you
offer free rides and adjust your saddle. If the colour doesn't suit,
consider a professional respray. Lucky numbers: 11, 42, 168
The proportional theory of crank length combined with the transit of
Venus helps explain the trajectory of your love life. Spend little and
often to avoid ulcers. Due to financial constraints Gore-Tex is not
an option this year. Ride naked and free the way God intended. Pleasing
gear ratios offer reassurance, and hope. Lucky numbers: all irrational
In a surprise last-minute decision the Tour de France will be rerouted
through your neighborhood, and local cyclists are encouraged to ride
a stage to keep the pros sharp. Unfortunately you'll be away that day.
Thriftiness is an admirable quality; nevertheless, a bungee cord is
not a suitable replacement for a well-designed child carrier. Your mother
was right about many things but the cheap innuendo was uncalled for.
Lucky number: anything with a '0' in it
A crisis of faith at the World Trackstand Championships in Helsinki
leads you to re-evaluate your goals in life. It transpires that riding
a fixed is not necessarily character-building. Don't try to reinvent
the wheel, or if you do, get a good patent attorney. Refrain from adding
an apostrophe to 'its' unless you mean 'it is'. Paranoia remains an
option. No lucky numbers
Whilst attempting to freewheel on your unicycle you'll experience an
epiphany, until you get home, look up 'epiphany', and realize that wasn't
it at all. It was just a cramp. You'll drink so much water as to achieve
a state of superhydration and will be obliged to spend months sucking
on salt crystals. As for that china shop incident, property damage is
overstated. Restitution leaves a happy glow. Lucky colour: red
Worries that you are developing a symbiotic relationship with your bicycle
should prove unfounded, though it's true you're never seen apart. It's
possible to change your name if not your star sign but the date and
hour of your birth will influence life decisions until the day you die.
Wear a helmet on March 15th even if you don't normally. Trust me on
this. On a hygienic note, Muc-Off is a viable dentifrice. Lucky philosopher:
Look, nobody's saying your degree in macroeconomics won't come in handy
some day. Always remember that less is not more; less is less, otherwise
it would be called 'more'. In an unrelated revelation, size does matter,
if you're an insect. You will also gradually become aware that your
cycle computer has been lying to you all these years. There have been
many clues. A switch to kilometres is the fast lane to self-esteem.
Lucky atomic element: Au
The end of the world is nigh! Don't worry, it won't affect you personally.
Avoid cats, catnaps, catsup (ketchup is fine), cats-o-nine-tails, etc.
Felines per se aren't the problem. A failure to mind the gap between
perception and reality causes heartache. It becomes increasingly obvious
that Shimano is from Mars, Campagnolo from Venus. You'll pine for a
recumbent all year long but won't purchase one. Your partner will tell
you 'Just buy the damn thing already', which strengthens your resolve.
Still, you dally. Lucky projection: Mercator
Every month brings a minor tragedy followed by a moderate triumph, some
bicycling-related, others in the realm of karaoke. There is much scope
for improvement as you struggle to achieve a personal best for your
rendition of 'I Will Survive'. Careless talk gets you booted out of
the cycling club; sleeping around may heal wounds. If you're going tubeless
put glue on the shopping list. Lucky defense mechanism: sublimation
Metaphors are trouble, similes less so. Analogies come easiest. Mid-year
you will run out of things to say anyway, and have to rely on a ghostwriter
to script everything, including small talk and Post-it Notes. It's looking
increasingly likely that you will become a character in a Dickens novel,
if Will Self doesn't get to you first. Leitmotifs remain elusive. Brompton
groupies annoy with nonstop flattery. Lucky opera: Die Zauberflöte
Your bicycle will be stolen. You'll get it back. The thief will nick
it again. This unhappy cycle will continue until you both seek mediation
and agree to joint custody. One day this summer you'll unwisely don
bibshorts for an audax through Norfolk, only to be attacked by an enraged
local wielding a paving slab. Is the innertube half empty or half full?
Lucky commodity: hard winter wheat
A friend will wager that you can't ride 1 mile one day, 2 the next,
then 4, 8, etc., for a month. Don't take the bet. Somebody else will
use your 15 minutes of fame and thoughtlessly neglect to thank you for
it. That 'ticking' sound is actually coming from you, not your bike.
Lucky chainring: the middle one. Failing that the one closest to
Plus, January 2004