13.8.19 The office is drapped in black today to mark the passing of an era, the first since the last era passing.
"Anothersquiggleforum may be (un)dead, but we still took some pride in its appearance," according to chief mourner Sam Walker. "Unfortunately, that theme could no longer be supported. Therefore we've defaulted to the default. Which sucks like a black hole." #blackholesdon'tsuck
has since started trending. |
1.4.18 In a move which experts have agreed is a relief, NACF has unexpanded its board selection [see The Rezoning: A Place Called Hope, below]. "Let's just say the peacock has been put on ice," according to uber-velosoloist Sam Walker.
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04.12.17 In a move which experts have agreed is futile, NACF has expanded its board selection. "It's like a peacock fanning his feathers to attract mates," said underemployed forum architect Sam Walker, immediately regretting the simile but grateful for the easy image search.
"We considered taking out another ad in the personals," he reminisced, "but we blew the budget on the deposit for this year's anticipated office Christmas party dry cleaning bill." |
16.10.16 NACF is formally endorsing None of the above for president. While some are making a principled stand for Bob Dylan, the duties of office would interfere with his Never Ending Tour. In a race where Hillary Clinton is fatally compromised by her lack of believable convictions, Donald Trump by his lack of impulse control, and Jack and Jill by their lack of name recognition, the only prudent course is Nota.
We feel that the least harm and therefore most good can be done in the world by not staffing the office of droner-in-chief. This does not mean we think the vice presidency should remain vacant: that would be silly. For that office we endorse Josh Blue, if he's still available. |
12.10.16 In a move which has URLspotters abuzz, would-be earth wanderer and serial illeist Sam Walker has shifted anothercyclingforum.com into notanothercyclingforum.net, commenting "You won't even know it's there, unless you look up, like Chicken Little.Who incidentally is a former member of the forum." Shareholders
of the acf brand are said to be appeased by the potential for costcutting
when the domain is eventually divested. According to social media expert Peter Ovisaries, little will change. |
28.7.15 In a less than stunning development, veteran forum quitter Sam Walker has left CycleChat, saying "My family can't spend more time with itself."
The forum firefly has previously been active at bikeforums.net [see previous story Helmet Thread Threat], which he hasn't so much quit as "not unquit," and Yacf, where he retains a loyal following. Which is one way of putting it. Asked what his next move was, he replied "Wander the earth, of course. As long as I can be home every night for dinner." |
later... |
Retraction |
24.5.15 The relationship between NACF satyrist Sam Walker and road.cc has hit a definite lull, thanks to the erstwhile blogger's journey into the well charted territory of chagrin usually populated by yellow journalists with morgues to fill. In constructing a fanciful alternate version of the events surrounding the assault and battery by bike of a toddler, Walker assumed his readers would read what he wrote rather than what they wanted to read; as everybody knows, 'assumed' makes a d out of sum and ase. Bradley Wiggins, who was sketchily profiled in the piece, declined comment.
It should be noted that the above headline is typically sensationalist: there was no actual fleeing involved in this case. |
14.11.14 In a move labelled by some a heartfelt publicity stunt, and others grounds for a restraining order, NACF mandarin Sam Walker has offered to have British cycling policy adviser and former Olympic champion Chris Boardman's child. "Actually it was meant as a figure of speech," according to Walker, who isn't an Olympic champion but has won several commuter challenges and was a finalist in the Dunwich Dynamo. "This isn't an overture to share paternity, heavens no. I don't live in a good enough catchment area. It's my way of expressing admiration for some of Boardman's sensible pronouncements – specifically, his willingness to promote the unconventional wisdom that helmets and hi-vis aren't mandatory." Experts have long suspected that motorists also have a role to play in road safety, though this view remains obscure and controversial. Not many go as far as Boardman in supporting the right of cyclists to just wear clothes. "If he's a fool, I'm a fool for love," added Walker in a rhetorical flourish, referring perhaps to criticism Boardman has received. "That's off the record."
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10.6.14 In a bid to raise awareness of a terrible affliction, NACF spokesaddict Sam Walker has attempted to "Start a dialogue" at bikeforums.net, a megaforum which regularly shows up in Google searches for bike and forums. The site contains a thread about helmets which has attracted thousands of replies. "No one seems to know how to stop it," according to a distraught user who prefers that his IP not be traced. "I only intended to post once, to enlighten people. Unfortunately someone had a difference of opinion, which necessitated a rebuttal." Many other users tell a similar tale. Clearly affected, Walker launched his own thread in an attempt to both identify and destigmatize what he has termed "HAT Syndrome. HAT stands for Helmet Thread Addiction. Sometimes things don't turn out the way you want. You make lemonade." The opening post contains a poll meant to aid in determining the user's level of addiction, followed by warning signs and finally, help: "If I can keep one person from posting on the helmet thread again then feeling miserable or worse, it will have been worth it." Walker has recently been awarded a 'Mention' at the site for unrelated work in the field of tyres. "I'll put it in my private gallery next to my first retweet," said the honours-laden expatriate.
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22.1.14 There are widespread reports that the glue used in the binding of the latest issue of The Ride Journal is having a strong effect on the readership.
Police are investigating. |
1.11.13 NACF staff left early to celebrate World Vegan Day, which is conveniently celebrated the day after Halloween to allow more time to appreciate the treats a bountiful dark lord of sugar bestows upon us (unless bone char has been used in processing). But what's this?
The complimentary candy included in our last Wiggle order to sweeten the transaction contains gelatin derived from pigs, cattle, chicken, fish, and squidgy soft bears? You call that a treat? It may be gummilicious, but it's clearly beyond the pale for those of us who don't eat anything that had a face or the collagen that helped keep it together. |
5.9.13 Agony Guy has received a severence package from road.cc. He is reported to be pleased with the closure, and credits a mildly poetic tweet.
The bank transfer marks the official end of Agony Guy's blog. "The road.cc audience isn't quite where we thought it was," explained a source.
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4.9.13 Advicemeister Agony Guy is in the process of giving up hope of remuneration for his contributions to "pedal powered" website road.cc. According to Saul Goodman, the lawyer Guy has retained on a no win no free basis, "Promises were made, then broken. Emails were sent, then ignored. My client has little choice but to begin the process of throwing in the towel." The towel-throwing process includes a short period of grieving at man's inhumanity to man, followed by a light supper. 'Agony Guy: The road.cc Years [sic]', a special exhibition board, is being installed at anothercyclingforum.com. Some comments have been left intact to provide a flavour of the extent to which the blogger touched just a few of his reading publics. Noted critic A.A.A. Gill mused, "The most important job of a writer is to get paid. Everything else pales in comparison."
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14.7.13 To mark La Fête Nationale, and that big race, NACF spokescyclist Sam Walker has announced his intention to learn one French word a year, commenting, "It's my way of being closer to my brothers and sisters across the Channel. I have long professed an interest in all things French."
This year's word is 'fauteuil', which according to Wikipedia is "a style of open-arm chair with a primarily exposed wooden frame originating in France in the early 18th century."
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6.7.13 Agony guy has taken a headshot at road.cc. "I've grown to expect a little flak, but this came as something of a surprise, considering the subject of my post," he said as the morphine took effect. "That's nice. Can I have more?"
"It looks like the work of a copycat," according to Scotland Yard. No arrests have been made. |
22.4.13 Agony Guy has been hired by road.cc to fill space on slow news days. "Although my remit doesn't actually include news, I'm happy to help man the fort," said the new resident satyrist.
Cupid attacking a satyr. Sartre and Simone look on, he with existential dread, she with dreams of being a homebody. |
8.3.13 Press release: With today's sage advice to those wishing to attempt the perilous crossing of Iowa, periodicity is being relaxed enough so that it may appear entire sabbaticals or indeed retirement has occurred before the next post. Agony Guy regrets that this will considerably lengthen the odds of your own question being addressed, not to mention push the mass discoverment of this unique resource further into the future.
"I knew him when," the lucky few will say, fighting over the fewest degrees of separation. |
16.2.13 Showing there's a twitch of life in the old girl yet, NACF forerunner acf has re-launched The Knowledge board with Agony Guy, a freelance problem solver whose beat is primarily other forums. |
10.2.13 Surprise write-in candidate Boris Johnson, shown bonding with his mini-me, has won NACF's caption competition with this entry:
Rumours of a backhander in the form of free use of a Boris Bike for a year by NACF staff are unfounded. Participants have been informed of the results. |
8.2.13 It has been confirmed that NACF spent the morning in limbo. However, this was due to user error rather than the anticipated server overload. "As I am the only active user, this narrows the field of suspects considerably," according to site spokesperson Sam Walker. Registration has been re-enabled to comply with an obscure clause in EU fisheries policy. |
6.2.13 In an attempt to capitalise on ennui, NACF spokesperson Sam Walker has announced a caption contest for the following photo:
Although the competition is in a spirit of lighthearted fun, it should be noted that the golden cyclist is in fact suffering from a rare if self-inflicted condition which makes it difficult for him to pursue his chosen field of busking. Registration has been disabled to avoid server meltdown, as traffic is expected to excede even that seen on the site's two week anniversary [see Like a Rolling Stone, below]. |
| 18.1.13 ACF and NACF founder Sam Walker has registered at Yet Another Cycling Forum, stunning forum habitués but not too much. "Charmed, I'm sure," said one before returning to his regular bar stool in The Pub. Walker's reasoning is complex yet simple: "I like to post. I created ACF to have a place to post where I liked. YACF incorporates many of the improvements I brought to the posting experience. No seniority-trumpeting postcount to intimidate 'newbies'. No mysterious edit line announcing that I've returned for what could be sinister reasons but would in fact mark the occasion that I corrected the spelling of ossobuco. The ability to delete my own stuff without fuss should I wish to. An atmosphere of a forum for cyclists rather than a cycling forum, with a board structure to help make that happen. "Every time you post on Freewheeling or OT Knowledge, or delight yourself with a clever caption on Caption It, remember, a human being had to come up with that; to slot it all together and make it work. A little eternal gratitude would be nice."
"I'm like a stranger in a strange land. Except it's not so strange." When questioned
about his 9/11 pronouncement
that
he "couldn't settle down in [a forum] run by somebody else... There
are too many things I'd want to change…" Walker was sanguine,
which he quickly googled before confirming "Yes, I'm cheerfully optimistic.
Sometimes I forget the definition of that one. Rumours that the fringe webmeister is working on another forum unrelated to cycling or forums are said to be without merit. |
"We
feel Kerry looks extremely confident on two wheels, which makes
us comfortable about his ability to balance the enormous pressures
of office," said Wilbur Orvillwright, organiser of the cycling pressure
group 'Wheel Mad'.25.10.12 Former Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong's sponsors have been thin on the ground of late, prompting NACF spokesperson Sam Walker to unveil a special edition jersey. "It's all about timing," said Walker in a press conference. He added, "This doesn't actually constitute an endorsement, but I don't write the headlines." |
30.5.12
A retrospective compiled from clippings by one of our interns: • 122% increase
on the previous best traffic day of 9 visitors. "Clearly the site is going from strength to strength," said one critic. As this story went to press it was not known whether he was being sardonic. |
24.5.12 NACF spokesperson Sam Walker has announced a contest to rewrite the lyrics to Bob Dylan's classic song: "It seems appropriate on so many levels." First prize is a certificate in a resolution suitable for displaying online. Second prize is a slot at karaoke night at the Pearl and Swine in Cardiff, all expenses paid except for alcohol. Third prize is actual Welsh citizenship in honour of the singer/songwriter's namesake Dylan Thomas.
Dylan Thomas and Orson Welles: separated at birth?
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23.5.12 In a move experts immediately labelled a branding nightmare, ACF(II) has become NACF. "The focus group liked it," said Sam Walker in an unprepared statement. "The consensus was that honesty is the best policy." Surveys of the general public have consistently shown that 'Something for nothing' is actually the best policy, with honesty polling well below herpes. According to sources, the change may in fact have been prompted by an internal memo arguing that irony is the best policy. |
