Author Topic: A limo, 6 lesbians and a liquor store


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A limo, 6 lesbians and a liquor store
« on: August 24, 2005 »
I intend to get as much milage out of this story as possible, not least because of its convenient alliterative title. Here goes.

I work for a company based in deepest Mormon Utah. Mormons are hard working, largely opposed to contraception, non-drinking and do not consume tea or coffee, or other 'warm, stimulating drinks'. This results in a society rich in tiny children, and many opportunities to eat green jello (jelly). Utah is the largest consumer of jello in the US. Many of the adults are also highly caffeinated. Coffee may be persona non grata, but coke is almost mandatory. I am, by the way, not, a Mormon. I suspect you might have gathered this, but clarity is a Good Thing.

There are also a whole raft of religious convictions that I am not sufficiently au fait with to fairly dissect. Sufficient to say that there are a great many church based meetings, societies, functions and other intercourses that consume many evenings and much of the weekends. This can be rather surprising to the unwitting visitor who can find the streets as empty as an alien abduction movie at certain times of the week.

A friend of mine is a local. She is an ex-Mormon. The thing about ex-Mormons is they tend to be annoyed at feeling they've had the wool pulled over their eyes for however long, and consequently don't leave quietly. Instead they learn to drink hard, party well, and generally don't pull their punches. Despite the outward indications, this is actually a very tough choice for many, as it ostracizes them from their community and often their (large) families.

So, my friend has organized a night out for her, me and a bunch of her friends. She is straight, but for some reason, all her friends seem to be lesbians. (I perhaps am the exception). Because no-one drinks, taxis are not really needed – that and every family seems to own an SUV, a brace of Nipponese 'compacts', a snowmobile, jetski, boat and motorcrosser. There are more CC's of engine displacement per head than anywhere I've ever been. I digress.  So, no taxis. Thus it becomes easier to rent a limousine than simply hail a cab.

It is 3.30 in the afternoon. My friend decides it is time to try out the margarita recipe that involves tequila, triple sec, limes We drink. Women, in pairs begin to arrive. Eventually there are 6. They are all lesbians. I am the only male. I am enjoying myself. The limo arrives, and the driver eyes these women and then looks at me. He is clearly trying to decide if I'm either a pimp, or just very well connected. We all clamber in the limo. Most limos have a mini bar. This one does too, but it is empty. Utah again. We drive to the most down at heel Mexican restaurant I've ever seen. Authentic would be too kind.

The meal passes in a blur of burritos, quesadillas, and the inevitable margarita's. There is much interest in comparing the taste and potency of margaritas with beer to those without. Several Mormon couples enter our section of the restaurant, see us, and leave. We are happy.

Eventually the limo returns. We pile back in and head home. At this point, one of the girls (an Aussie, of course), decides that beer is an absolute necessity, and persuades the driver to divert to the liquor store. There is only one in the town, which has a population of about 150,000. It is tiny, and the limo occupies the whole car park. There is much gawping from passers by. The girls leap out and in short order we are furnished with beer, (3 kinds), wine, amaretto, brandy and something violently orange. Thankfully the empty mini bar does have glasses, and we are able to generate some interesting kinetic cocktails. I manage to open the sunroof and am able to get some nice fresh air whilst watching the passing scenery and supping my concoction. This generates much hilarity from the girls and no amount of opprobrium from the world at large.

We arrive back, disentangle ourselves from the limo, give the driver some beer, and proceded directly to the hot tub with our...iced tea, displacing a very surprised Mormon in the process.

So there I am, in a hot tub with liquor and half a dozen inebriated lesbians. I shall leave the rest to your imaginations.