Author Topic: Iowa: no man's land

Iowa: no man's land
« on: March 08, 2013 »
Denise Fuller at the RAGBRAI forum writes:

What little piece of advice can you give new riders and this could be silly or common sense information.

Mine would be to remember to check the pressure on your tires every morning, I was so excited my first year I just jumped on my bike and road half the day on low tire pressure. It was the hardest day I ever had on RAGBRAI.

Hide money on your bike for emergency, my mom lost her money out her pocket but didn't have money hidden, luckily I was close with my emergency money and she text me for help.

Traversing Iowa is no joke since it went Mad Max after the last reelection of senior republican senator Chuck Grassley. Lauded by some for introducing a bill to force pimps to keep their tax affairs in order, he was heavily criticized for "going too far" by lobbying to get himself appointed W-2 inspector of Des Moines's largest house of pleasure. It is thought by veteran political observers that Grassley was fatally stung by suspicions of euphemism, and that the incident marked the beginning of his campaign to get 'America's heartland' to revert to a state of barbarism.

Under the senator's direction, subsidies earmarked for ethanol were rerouted to training camps for children of the corn, who in a few short years succeeded in turning a peaceful agrarian society into a heartless dystopia devoid of the pursuit of happiness denied him. The rule of law became a distant memory, a campfire story less believable than the man with the hook for an arm embedded in the car door of escaping lovers.

The Des Moines Register of the Missing & Wounded has published the following tips for cycling across Iowa:
  • Travel in packs.
  • Bear arms aggressively.
  • Huddle for warmth.
  • Leave the weakest behind; not only will they slow you down, they will attract hunters eager for further attacks probing your pack's soft underbelly.
  • For God's sake keep your tyres inflated to the recommended pressure to ensure minimum rolling resistance.
  • Avoid tourist traps.
  • Discard useless money and carry only what can be easily bartered or sold into slavery.
  • Travel quickly through counties which are square shaped.
  • Pray for tornadoes to smite your enemies.
  • Do whatever you have to do to make it to the border: it's your only chance.