1. Accept that all life is suffering.
If you're in a group and shy about your skills, repair to a private place.
2. Find the location of the puncture. Note that sometimes the valve itself is to blame; wiggle it back and forth to check if any air escapes from near its base.
3. Remove the wheel. (Or not. You might be able to get away with just pulling the pertinent bit of innertube out from underneath the tyre.)
To remove the wheel, you'll want to relax the brakes first, because once you've patched the tube you'll probably be pumping up the tyre again before putting it back on the bike, and it won't go on if the brake arms are still in place.
3, cont'd. Removing the tyre may or may not require tyre levers. There are many types of lever.
The best in the world are made by Pedro:
The need to use levers, and how to apply them, will depend entirely on what sort of rim we're dealing with, what sort of tyre, and what sort of man or woman you are. Some tyres will relinquish their grip from rims with good grace; others will hold on out of pure spite. Try to ensure that when you stick the lever betwixt rim and tyre, you don't also catch hold of the innertube, to avoid injuring it. The more levers you have to use, the lower your score.
4. Once the tyre is off, feel around inside for anything which doesn't belong, such as bits of flint or glass.
5. There are two ways to repair a tube: the old fashioned way, which involves glue, and the new-fangled way, which involves self-adhesive patches. If you're using the former, it's unlikely you'll be reading this. If the latter, all you have to do is scrape that little square of sandpaper which came with the kit against the 'tube (why? because they tell you to) and stick the patch on. Press hard, make sure it's good and stuck.
6. Pump in a smidgen of air to shape the tube, put it back into the tyre, put that back on the rim, return that to its rightful place on the bike, and do up the brakes again.
Time elapsed: it doesn't matter.
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