Emma Parker Bowles: I Hate Cyclists

[sam]

To cap it all:

There needs to be a natural extermination process for these infuriating people.

Didn't somebody write something rather similar to this before?  Some bloke in prison wasn't it?  In German?  Now what was the title of that book?  Let me think .... Mein (something or other)?

Mein clampf you mean.

That gadget which  immobilises them unless and until they are surgically separated from their something horsecyclistpower mobility aids.

It pains me to write this badly - a sharp, stabbing pain in the fingers - but just to show what could happen to this article with a few words tweaked about... (and because I'm peed off about this morning's incident)

YOU know those days when everything that could possibly go wrong does? And then new things you were not expecting to go wrong do?

It’s like the opposite of the Midas touch, when everything you touch turns to s*** instead of gold.

I had one of those mornings today. By the end of it, I wouldn’t have been surprised if my head had fallen off.

I decided to hop on my bike, even though I was running late, and tootle up to the tube.
I was waiting in the left hand lane at some traffic lights (THE LEFT HAND LANE), then the lights went green and I moved off.  The next thing I knew my front tyre was implanted in someone’s front wing, and I was jerking to an abrupt halt, because some stupid motorist had turned left from the right-hand-turn-only lane, straight across me.

I DID NOT APOLOGISE TO HIM.  THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN STUPID.
What kind of total mug am I? The tosser then extricated his green Nissan Micra from my bike and drove off, without so much as a nod of apology. If I had been feeling my normal self I would have beaten him about the head with my bicycle pump. Instead, I continued my journey.

The irony is that I have been feeling like slagging off motorists for ages now. I live in London and these days it has become more like Los Angeles in Grand Theft Auto. And they p*** me right off.

They even look annoying — all those nasty, tight, stained t-shirts straining over their beer guts.

And those ridiculous chavved-up wheels that look like Lego. And what about their blinged up accessories, which are supposed to aid aerodynamics and make them go much faster, but are, as we all know, actually a weird fetish that they have.

But mainly it is their attitude that bugs me. Physically, they take up the whole damned road, but morally, only a couple of inches. They are so blank-faced and catatonic, but this conceals a very serious attitude problem because they are bitter that they aren’t fit enough to ride bicycles.

What gets my goat is that they are only allowed on the road by license, not by right, and yet they think that they own the road. And they flout road regulations that we cyclists are forced to adhere to. Motorists continually break the law. They speed, they jump red lights and go the wrong way down one-way streets, not to mention turning left from the outside lane, hitting a cyclist and just driving off.

Basically, they are a danger and a nuisance to everyone else.

Have you ever got into an argument with a motorist? It’s impossible to take someone shouting at you seriously when they are obviously thinking about running away, despite having half a ton of metal on their side.

But if you think that old-school motorists are annoying — you know, the middle-aged ones with children who hog the road and travel at a snail’s pace looking backwards every so often to wallop the kids — there is a new breed of motorist out there that is just as irritating.

I could make a TV programme about this new super-twat motorist for Channel Five called When Nissan Micras Go Bad.

These road-users are very aggressive and very unpleasant and it was one of these idiots that mowed me down.

They drive cheapo second-hand rust-buckets but have pimped their ride with all the gear on — like those silly racer bars — and very loud music.

It’s like they think they are competing in Grand Theft Auto rather than driving around the city where they live, and they approach driving with the same attitude as playing computer games, and with rather similar anticipation of the consequences.

These lot are really dangerous. They emerge at very high speeds from side roads and pull out to overtake cars without even checking behind to see if it is safe. Yet in an accident situation, they always blame the cyclist for being there.

There needs to be a natural extermination process for these infuriating people. How about the introduction of some traffic police?

I am going to start building home-made stop-sticks in my garden shed to try to stop these awful Micra drivers.  Something must be done.  Think of the children.  Together, we can get green Nissan Micras banned, and their drivers permanently imprisoned!

Don’t miss my new show, Blah Blah, on Tuesday at 8.  I might even get my baps out as I spew forth endless rubbish based on one experience.