Staff Guidelines

[librarian]

A number of staff members are attending Modern Jive classes this Thursday and I feel impelled to share with them my experience of terpsichorean endeavours.

I have drafted the following memo and welcome constructive feedback.

Thanks for listening.


Dear fellow workers,

Executed properly, Jive (or Modern Jive) is a safe form of exercise that can be enjoyed by both men and women of any age or ability with the minimum of specialised equipment and clothing.

When practised regularly and in conjunction with a calorie controlled diet, it can be a significant factor in reducing weight and attaining a good level of cardio vascular fitness.

Above all, if you enter into it with the right spirit, you will find it highly enjoyable, a means of meeting new friends and gaining invitations to some interesting yet unexpected parties.
 
However, as with all physical activities there are risks -  especially when encountering a member of the opposite sex at close quarters.

Based on my own experience, I have prepared some guidelines and rules of engagement that may prove invaluable and sorted these into the categories; Ignore at your Peril, Strongly Advised and Discretionary.

I urge you to read on and remember that forewarned is forearmed.


Ignore at your Peril

1. If a member of the opposite sex approaches you and ask for a dance, no matter how deeply unattractive (or attractive) they may be, you must accept*

2. If a member of the opposite sex approaches you and ask for a dance, it may not mean your luck has changed. It is the law of the dance floor, nothing more**.

3. It is not considered good form to dance continuously with the person or persons you came with. You will have to dance with strange men or women.

4. Shower, deodorise and neutralise all bodily nasty niffs beforehand. It will be difficult for your partner to dance with one hand pinching their nose.

5. Men, ensure nails are cut cleanly and as short as possible beforehand. There is no floor space for Edward Scissor Hands.

6. One drink is normally an excellent sufficiency. Two or more can lead you down the slippery slope to disaster, embarrassment and a sexual assault claim.

7. If you lose an article of jewellery, contact lens or your glasses and they end up on the person of your partner, you must let them recover the item for you***.

8. No matter how enraptured you are with the rhythm, it is extremely dangerous to dance with your eyes closed.****

9. Ladies, you have to let the man lead no matter how foreign and uncomfortable this may feel at first*****

10. Men, your lead will need to be firm, bold and positive with hand position and body movements if they are to be an effective lead.

11. Men, you should not grip their partner's hand to the extent that they require microsurgery on their radial/ulnar nerves afterwards

12. Saying "Oh for God's sake. I'm sitting down. You're crap!" is considered extremely bad form. You have to tough it out until the end of the song no matter what.

13. Pointing and laughing from the side lines at the efforts/endeavours/misfortunes of others is considered bad form.

14. Ladies should note that it is considered bad form to pat short men on the head.

* Feigning sleep, fainting, bursting into tears, pretending you are about to vomit or saying that you have only stood up to go to the toilet will only postpone engagement with a persistent prancer.
** Of course, there are exceptions  but asking someone for a phone number or if they are in a relationship half way through the first dance is considered bad form.
*** Delving down the front of your partner's cleavage for a lost contact lens is ill advised, especially if it is obvious to her it is stuck to your cheek
**** At best, you will open your eyes only to find your partner gone. At worst they will have been taken to A&E
***** Or how hopeless the man is at leading


Strongly Advised

1. Ladies, jeans/slacks are strongly advised to protect one's modesty, especially if prone to dancing with enthusiasm or trying advanced moves requiring acrobatics

2. If you suffer from profuse perspiration, avoid light grey, light green, 'goes see-through when wet' and especially company shirts/blouses.

3. If you suffer from extremely profuse perspiration, avoid light grey, light green, light blue or 'goes see-through when wet' slacks/trousers/jeans

4. Keeping one's hands above shoulder height and below waist height means never having to say "Oops, I'm terribly sorry, I thought I touched your elbow/hip/wallet".

5. Leave the Cuban heels/6" stilettos at home. Sensible shoes that are comfortable and well fitted are strongly advised until you have mastered the rudimentaries.

6. Men. If your partner appears to be bleeding from the eyes or has straw coloured fluid issuing from their ears/nose, you may be overdoing the spinning moves.

7. Women. If your partner is on his knees clutching his chest, do not dance around him with your hands in the air. Assume he has had a coronary. Seek an instructor.

8. Do not arrive late as you are likely to be hopeless at the moves being practised and may never recover your dignity for the entire evening.

9. Do not engage in conversation unless you are confident of the moves you are performing. Leaning forwards to listen/talk can result in an accidental Gorbals Kiss*.

10. Resist the temptation to apply large volumes of perfume/aftershave. This is both overwhelming and dangerous if it makes your partner's eyes water.

11. Men, if you ask a woman to dance who is wearing a pleated skirt, stand well back when spinning your partner to avoid being cut down above the knees by a spring loaded hem line.

*    Otherwise known as a Glasgow Kiss or a more commonly as a head butt.


Discretionary

1. Paying insincere compliments (e.g. "No, my foot is fine. That was lovely") should be avoided or at least practiced in the mirror before attempting on the dance floor.

2. Accepting compliments should be done with grace, even if you know they are just trying to be nice to you.

3. Men, Do not automatically assume that just because two women are dancing together that they are lesbians* and that they won't want to dance with you.

4. Take a spare shirt, a small towel and a discrete roll-on anti-deodorant**.

5. Paying sincere compliments amidst the noise of the dance hall may not get the response you expected and you should chose your words carefully***.

6. Men. If your partner trips and falls, your hands may not be in the right position to catch her without compromise and a slapped face afterwards.

* Unless they are slow dancing and kissing each other. Either way, women who dance with other women can be tricky to lead.
** Men are advised not to stow cans of deodorant or roll-on in the front pockets of their jeans
*** For example an innocent comment like "Wow! Your twists are fantastic!" may be misheard with disastrous consequences.

Think on.

H