This is my seven step "Fetisharrgz of Quzog" test that I apply to all fantasy novels before purchase. If you can answer yes to three or more of the steps below don't buy the novel.Step One: The title. Just how stupid is the title? Do you have to read the pronunciation guide at the back of the book in order to actually read out the book title (hence the title of the test)?Step Two: The cover picture. Just how dreadful is it? Does it have a bloke in a big hooded black cloak (bonus point if it's tattered)? Alternatively does it have a picture of a dragon on it, or is there a picture of a hot girl wearing a chain mail bikini and carrying a ridiculously unwieldy, phallic sword? Is the cover picture actually a combination of all three?Step Three: Does it have a strap line like "Part One in a new Trilogy. Remember what Lady Bracknell had to say about Three Volume Novels in 'The Importance of Being Ernest'? Alternatively, does it say "His new Bestseller"? How do they know, it's just been published? Do they just assume it's going to be a bestseller because of the dragon on the front and the hot girl in the chain mail bikini carrying the impossibly big sword? Either way, that's another black mark against it. If it says something about the writer rivalling Tolkien put it down and back away. One stuffy academic writing dreadful songs is enough thank you very much.Step Four: Does it have songs and/or long epic poems?Step Five: On reading the back cover/inside flap, or from a cursory flick through the book, do you recognise one of the character names from either Tolkien or Norse Mythology?* (NB This on it's own is another put the book back on the shelf and back away carefully moment)Step Six: Is there a map? (Of course there's a f*cking map). On looking at the inevitable map does it have:A. Geographical impossibilities.B. Stupid names like Skull Mountain, the Dread Lord's Tower, Cliffs of Insanity etc.C. Pictures of dragons.D. Sh*te Calligraphy.E. Sh*te Calligraphy next to the picture of dragons saying "Here be Dragons".Step Seven: Is it written by David Eddings?I always apply this test now and oddly enough don't buy many fantasy novels anymore.* Books actually based on Norse Mythology are excepted from this rule. **** Apart from the ones co-written by Harry Harrison.
