Author Topic: Fat Americans


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Fat Americans
« on: March 05, 2006 »

OK, you've broken me. Everything you say--it's all true. Truth be told, I'm 4'6" and weigh 517 pounds. My three-year-old son is easily 100 pounds, and gets mocked by his peers for being so scrawny. All that you see on TV about the fat-or-thin polarization? All true. Except the only skinny people are TV actors, and most of them  have to be imported from Canada, or even from Russia, Mexico, or the Caribbean. One time, here at my office, a skinny person came in, and everyone hid from sheer shame. Three hundred bureaucrats, distended bellies bouncing off their knees, waddling as fast as their wrecked joints would allow to hide behind furniture that failed to hide their bulk. Turned out the skinny person was some German tourist who got lost.

And, in the interest of full disclosure, everything I've said on this forum about cycling is a lie. The bike in the "my bike" thread is just from pictures lifted off the net. I could no more ride a bike than hold the Washington Monument (which is in fact much wider and shorter than the official pictures suggest) over my head with one hand. Very soon it will be revealed that the much-vaunted fitness movement in the US is a complete smokescreen, and that virtually no-one in this nation actually exercises. This partly explains the odd sizing of "fitness clothing"--none of the designers or executives have any perspective on normal sizing anymore.

Any American on the web who claims to be cyclist is a liar--they're either not a cyclist, or a not an American, or both. In fact, some of them are paid agents of the Deparment of Homeland Security, whose administrator is a former top executive at Nike and has strong ties to the Chamber of Commerce and the National Association of Clothing Importers.

I'm going to stop typing now, because the forklift is here to take me to lunch.