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Now it's personal

1. We've been through so much together. You can speak freely. What's your real opinion of BikeReader?
I would willingly donate one of my less desirable organs
It's just, like, a site, you know?
I never really appreciated it until the very end, when I wished there'd been more time, always more time

2. Do you recommend BR to friends, colleagues, the meter reader, etc., or do you forget about it the moment you've gone, thus negatively impacting our cost effective word of mouth campaign?
I'm on good terms with the meter reader and I wish to stay that way
If it seems germane to the exchange of ideas, pleasantries and gossip in which I'm engaged, I endorse it without caveat or cavil
Show me the money

3. What activities vie with BR for your attention?
Making a living; raising a family if applicable; numerous daily encounters in a retail environment
Thesis - it's been 7 years but I'm almost done
Eastenders (tick only if UK resident)
Oddly enough, riding my bike

4. What would you suggest are the true motives behind BR? None of this 'for the fun of it' nonsense like it says in the FAQ.
The construction of a media empire based on negative cash flow
A showcase for the editor's own writing, cleverly dressed up as a selfless crusade to promote the work of over a hundred other writers, photographers and artists instead
A pleasant hobby to while away the hours we're granted on day-release

5. Have we ever let you down?
Yes. I got over it

6. We have introduced a Haiku page. Do you feel a poem coming up?
Yes, but antacids usually help

7. This question has been left blank out of respect for questions that could have been.

8. What sex are you?
I think the nonstandard placement of 'female' above 'male' here is more self-conscious than genuine and that the editor's mindset is still essentially patriarchal

9. If you're a regular visitor to BR, what is the length of your average visit?
Sorry, still thinking about the previous question
< one minute
> one minute
I can never remember which way those signs are supposed to go
3 metres

10. Hold that thought: how long do you give a story before making an Executive Decision to either read the rest of it or cut and run?
I start getting a strong feeling one way or the other with the very first word. If the second word doesn't live up to expectations, I feel a sense of disappointment and loss which no third word, however expertly chosen, can overcome
If the paragraph breaks I'm gone
I go the distance, baby

11. Please rank BikeReader:

12. Have you ever considered changing your name?
Yes, but there are enough Elvis impersonators already
I'm afraid if I do St Peter won't recognize a deed poll
No. I like my name just fine. Sick of my nickname, though

13. Here's a hypothetical: Say you write a column for a cycling magazine. (It could happen.) Say you've been a contributor for several years, so you thought you had, oh, a relationship or something. What is the best way to discover your column has just been decommissioned?
Skywriting, but using a very small airplane
Word of mouth via six degrees of separation
Leafing through this hypothetical magazine at the newsstand and seeing a little notice at the end of your last column

14. Essay question:
What is the difference between pique, ire, and vexation?

15. Do you ever wonder if BR will get into trouble for reprinting the occasional story without consent?
Now that you mention it, no
Yes. And then I slip back into that Madeline Stowe fantasy, because I'm a guy and it's been six seconds already
Better you than me

16. Which do you like better, text fields or check boxes? When they're operational, we mean.

17. If this is your first visit, will you come again?
Yes, barring divine intervention
No, but it's nothing personal

18. What keeps you up at night?
Fear of war
Vivid and disturbing dreams for which I blame my stepmother, who wasn't evil but was somewhat misguided
My libido, or somebody else's

19. We're desperately searching for Lake LX50 cycling shoes (European size 43, pref. black), which ceased manufacture despite our express wishes and before we thought to stockpile them. You should see the state of our current pair. Can you be of assistance in this matter?
Sadly not, though I appreciate your predicament as I still search the earth for clipless wooden clogs (pref. mahogany)
Let me just check my underground lair overstock... yes, you're in luck. I'll be happy to sell them to you for the sum of One Meeellion Dollars

20. Are people basically good or bad?
Basically good
Basically tossers
I believe Jean-Jacques Rousseau put it best when he wrote something or the other

Bonus Question (with thanks to Guy Chapman for suggesting it)
Are you now or have you ever been?
Was and always will be
First the drugs test, and now this. How many hoops do I have to jump through to please you people?
If I hear a tree fall in the forest, is there somebody I should call?