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1000 Days of BikeReader

1. This is the dawning of the Age of
Low Expectations

2. This site went live 21 August, 2000. Do you remember what you were doing that day?
Proposing something to somebody, but not marriage to a duck
Oh, I remember now! That's the day I leaped off the treadmill of my dreary daily existence and -- no, sorry. That was the 22nd
Cycling around and around a village in Suffolk so fast it actually reversed the flow of tim, like in Superman, but on a smaller scale, thus enabling everyone to start the morning again with another nice cup of tea, making me a hero, of sorts
The duck reference wasn't funny; I had an uncle who was sweet on a mallard and they got on quite well after a fashion

3. Are you better off now than you were four years ago?
My plan to control the world's supply of currant buns has not yet been realised, but is that much closer to fruition, so in all honesty I'd have to answer yes
Not if it still takes two to tango
The people are very nice here. I'll just go ask one of them if I'm better

4. Are you surprised that BikeReader is still around?
As long as somebody keeps paying the web host, why shouldn't it be?
No, but I'm mildly surprised I am

5. Have you read all 500,000+ words the site has to offer?
It's hard to believe there are that many words. Surely some must be repeats
I would but I'm standing at one of those public internet phone kiosks and there's a line of impatient-looking people behind me
Still holding out for the movie tie-in

6. We're considering a line of merchandise.* Would you buy BR-branded tyre levers?
Maybe one to start with. If they're agreeable I'll plump for all three
If you do then you've sold out and I'll delete the bookmark and never visit again. And I'll be sad whenever I remember the way things used to be
Not if they're blue
* this is untrue

7. If you like BR, why not write a testimonial?
Words mean so little. However, I will be happy to make a generous donation of £ or $
to keep the wheels turning, providing you don't blow the money on a fancy new 'office bike'.*
BikeReader... better than bananas" pretty well sums it up for me, too
None of the vowels work on my keyboard, except 'y', sometimes

8. Same as question 7, but concerning haiku this time
indecisive pang / my words are my soul on fire / is BR worthy?
real haiku is art / not worrying about syl- / lables and making [them fit]
I have a sneaking suspicion some of the haiku on that page were actually written by BR staff using aliases

9. We currently have a Boot Bush page of links. Does such politicization bother you?
Hell no (we won't go)
I'll get back to you as soon as I receive my talking points memo concerning bicycle sites with a liberal bias
I am actually an alien from another world, like prot from K-PAX, though our people look more like Steve Buscemi than Kevin Spacey. I can confirm that the American president George W. Bush is an alien himself, an escaped convict from the planet Nimrod-12. He will be dealt with shortly

10. BikeReader has gone more or less static. Does that bother you?
It is the way of all things

11. So, have you done the End to End yet?
I have it penciled in for the 19th, 2pm sharp, the usual hotel
Oh, that end to end. You're referring to the famous British tour from Land's End in southwest Cornwall to John O'Groats in northeast Scotland. I understand there are hills involved. I don't do hills. If you can find me a route without hills, I'll consider it
This question appears to be little more than a blatant plug for the BR E2E page. If I'm right, you'll even link to it

12. In your humble opinion, do you think that cycling websites other than BR should all be shut down to conserve valuable bandwidth?
By all means, except for the one by that American chap with the beard, unless he's cut it off
And that other one, with the naked ladies
Yeah, that should do it, all the bases are covered

13. If we invited reader contributions to the BR Dictionary, would you submit an entry?
As a member in good standing of the etymological community, yes:

14. Have you ever used our Random Index?
Gluconeogenesis. Lusus naturae. Dag Hjalmar Agné Carl Hammarskjöld. Tarragon. No
I did once but it turned out to be a doorway into another dimension populated by frog-people. Nothing wrong with frog-people per se, but they've taken up residence in the garden and play their bongo drums long into the night

15. Have you ever told anybody about BikeReader, or is it a secret you keep close to your heart?
I prefer a don't ask don't tell policy
Of course I tell everyone! It's just a shame I don't know anybody
I'll start by spamming my mother

16. BikeReader is too esoteric and downright odd for its own good. Agree or disagree
Dag Hjalmar Agné Carl Hammarskjöld

17. BR masterclass: Can you tell which stories the following extracts come from?
"Long ago I was a doomsayer (but then, I'm always finding 'doom' floating among the Alpha Bits, spelled backward on billboards, lurking in the lyrics). But 'Marital Doom' turned out to be nothing more than a deep drop-off that, once I'd learned the move, became an al dente delight. Maybe that's why weddings are such thrilling spectator events. Everyone wonders if there's going to be a crash or two down the road. It's a risk, but all the big important stuff carries a risk."

"They are liquid, semi-visible goliaths that rage through the streams and chunks of ordinary traffic, with the effervescent tendrils of mile-long tails whipping behind them like Chinese dragons. Though composed of hundreds of pounds of steel, glass and plastic, they are able to pass through solid objects. They are bound by the laws of the highway, but not by any conventional notion of time or space."

"I toppled off unceremoniously, striking my head against her whalebone corset along the way. She was surprisingly unapologetic, positing that not only had I insisted upon the garment which had just gored me but that I was in some sense responsible: 'too much talking and not enough pedalling' was how she unkindly put it whilst briskly attending to my flesh wound. It then occurred to me that if only for the sake of future generations of scientists my head be properly swaddled in hardy materials."
here, here, and here

18. We'll skip this one. Maybe we'll come back to it later
Fine. I have a few errands to run anyway

19. Do you think we could've come up with a better name than 'BikeReader'?
1000 monkeys with 1000 typewriters trapped in a room for 1000 years could've written any random edition of
The Sun, and probably have, but BikeReader can't be improved upon by any primate even given a flexible deadline
It's always struck me as being a little bit 'off'
BR is BR is BR. If the Gertrude Stein argument doesn't grab you, nothing will. Speaking of Stein and monkeys, half a dozen reasonably bright macaques could bash out Rooms over a bank holiday weekend

20. Our 20 Questions cycle has become quite popular in some circles. Name them
Green party candidates for Bush
Venn diagram groupies
Crop circles

bonus question:
'The Camelot Edition' was actually about 460 days overdue. Do you think that sort of shoddy work ethic typifies the quality of the labour force today?

As long as it wasn't also £381 million over budget like the new
Scottish parliament building, I see no reason to dwell on the matter
Outsourced, was it?

you may not notice any difference at first

Are the rumours true? Is there really a 6th edition?