Cycling + => Not Another Cycling Forum => Topic started by: sam on April 21, 2022
Title: Annual meeting
Post by: sam on April 21, 2022
We have at last count 292 members, not all of them active. It’s been a very good fiscal year. [Fiscal years run from whenever to whenever.] First order of business: changing to a lunar year.
Alfred Russel Wallace: Point of order, the man is an idiot.
Edmund Hoyle: The point is moot. Continue, Monsignor.
Thank you. On second thought let's table (https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/96961/tabled-us-vs-uk) that.
(https://prettygoodbritain.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/table550.jpg) I've been clicked upon (https://youtu.be/WxILdTKDGPU)
The official timekeeper has been setting the clocks forward a little each day – springing forward with a vengeance – and we now find ourselves in the enviable position of being what can only be hoped is comfortably post-pandemic. To maintain this status is purely a maintenance issue. We've chosen a date at random, the Queen's birthday as it happens, and shall stop there, waiting for the rest of the world to catch up. It could've been anybody's birthday.
Abigail Adams: Is there any word yet on how the Queen is doing after the incident with the badger?
Franz Kafka, acting royal liaison: We await word from The Palace, and can only hope the official record here doesn't prove tragically prescient.
Thank you Fonz. Quite. [Shouts of Hear Hear! from the back benches.]
[Opens ledger] Money savings has been accomplished as requested by the Committee of Ways and Means. We're sorry, but there will be no more translations of minutes into Ancient Hittite, pig Latin, or French. [Checks notes.] That's correct. Definitely no more French.
Our previous mission statement, 'To protect and serve', has been overhauled, it being felt by the core committee that new challenges should bring new directions. Do we have a winner, Walt?
Walt Whitman: 'I sing the body electric.'
Very well. The stationery will be changed immediately.
This being our first annual meeting, and if I may say, an uncommonly productive one, I suggest we have them every fortnight.
Dorothy Parker: I move to have one whenever there is a quorum present.
Edith Wharton: Seconded!
So be it. Meeting adjourned.
Title: That our affections carry themselves beyond us
Post by: Michel de Montaigne on April 21, 2022
(Mickey de wishes to read the following into the record. I see no reason why not.)
Such as accuse mankind of the folly of gaping after future things, and advise us to make our benefit of those which are present, and to set up our rest upon them, as having no grasp upon that which is to come, even less than that which we have upon what is past, have hit upon the most universal of human errors, if that may be called an error to which nature herself has disposed us, in order to the continuation of her own work, prepossessing us, amongst several others, with this deceiving imagination, as being more jealous of our action than afraid of our knowledge.
We are never present with, but always beyond ourselves: fear, desire, hope, still push us on towards the future, depriving us, in the meantime, of the sense and consideration of that which is to amuse us with the thought of what shall be, even when we shall be no more.
“Calamitosus est animus futuri auxius.”
[“The mind anxious about the future is unhappy.” —Seneca, Epist., 98.]
We find this great precept often repeated in Plato, “Do thine own work, and know thyself.” Of which two parts, both the one and the other generally, comprehend our whole duty, and do each of them in like manner involve the other; for who will do his own work aright will find that his first lesson is to know what he is, and that which is proper to himself; and who rightly understands himself will never mistake another man’s work for his own, but will love and improve himself above all other things, will refuse superfluous employments, and reject all unprofitable thoughts and propositions. As folly, on the one side, though it should enjoy all it desire, would notwithstanding never be content, so, on the other, wisdom, acquiescing in the present, is never dissatisfied with itself. Epicurus dispenses his sages from all foresight and care of the future.
Title: The Prince & the gawper
Post by: sam on April 21, 2022
A quorum is present at King Edward VII’s Hospital where Prince Philip is being serviced by a member of staff. We’re told he may be some time.
(https://prettygoodbritain.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/edwardH.jpg) Message: We care about chairs (https://www.kingedwardvii.co.uk/about-king-edward-vii)
We’ve been made comfortable in an anteroom. Charles came and went a little while ago. He may be considered for legacy membership.
Dorothy Parker: Over my dead body. The man is a stiff everywhere but in the bedroom.
Lady Bellaston: Someone has been busy.
Be that as it may, although registration is normally open to all, it is written into our constitution that members of the royal family must first pass trial by combat. Withering commentary in the press or by disappointed paramours doesn't count.
Ivan the Terrible: I recall no such combat.
It was waved for you on account of your generous donation which is funding the Ivan the Terrible wing.
Ivan the Terrible: Yes, I am frequently visited by an interior decorator who wants to show me swatches. When will it end?!
That's out of my hands, Ivan.
[A nurse enters the room, looking disheveled] Who's next?
click for medical attention which may not be safe for work
[Carson McCullers raises her hand, then lowers it when she realises the quorum will be lost]
Is he feeling quite better?
Nurse: Quite.
Florence Nightingale: I'll be the judge of that.
[Prince Philip's generously proportioned room accommadates us with a chair to spare]
Ozymandias: It is fitting. That is where death shall wait.
Prince Philip: Steady on!
Ozymandias: Anubis comes for us all.
Oz is right. Fortunately that's no bar to membership. In fact it's a tick in the plus column. How was your visit with Charles?
Prince Philip: The boy has been such a disappointment. Wet noodle material since Gordonstoun.
Dorothy Parker: Tell me about it. [Eyes suddenly widen - wait for it]
What are you in for? The press just says observation and rest.
Prince Philip: Priapism. Blasted thing won't go down.
[The elephant in the room is noted for the record]
Ozymandias: This can happen at the moment of death, too.
Lady Bellaston: Don't tell Dorothy that or she'll be headed down to the morgue next.
Dorothy Parker: Here's fine.
Let's have a look at your chart. [Looks at chart] I see medicinal release has been attempted thrice a day with no success. At 99, there are worse problems to have.
Prince Philip: Gets in the way after a while. I even tried a trick I heard about on 'Peep Show', of course hoping it would have the opposite effect.
This clip (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTZFqelPIZE&t=1m3s) will have to do, I can't find the scene you're referring to. [Refines search] Sorry, here it is. (https://youtu.be/UArQNEqZjAY)
Prince Philip: That's the one. Ever since the "pearls before swine" remark she made back in the 60s, we've been estranged in that department.
I didn't realise you were so sensitive.
Ivan the Terrible: That's what she said.
Seriously, this is a new side of you we're seeing.
Prince Philip: In fact I've rather gone off British women altogether, except when needs must. Give me slitty-eyed any day of the week.
And we're back.
Nina Simone: How did this honky ever make it through the membership committee?
Did I mention we're open to all?
Groucho Marx: That's me out. I refuse to remain in a club that would have this man's member as a member. [Makes no move to leave]
Actually, we do have standards. I gave Paul Tibbets a pass for dropping Little Boy. (https://www.theamericanconservative.com/articles/dont-whitewash-the-hiroshima-bombing/) Just following orders doesn't cut it.
Abraham Lincoln: Maybe if he'd had a funny name like Tibbets the Terrible...?
Duly noted. Philip, we're going to give you some rest. Stay well.
Groucho Marx: Yes, keep your pecker up.
[Quorum files out except for Dorothy. The rest of us head for The Slaughtered Lamb.]
Title: Sir Duck
Post by: sam on April 21, 2022
The question before us is an historical one: against all odds, should Harry & Meghan be admitted? A straw poll has shown that only Ivan the Terrible is keen, while most of you are undecided, either out of politeness or disinterest.
Ivan the Terrible: In the spirt of full disclosure I feel compelled to state for the record that they bought out the entire stock of my autobiography (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=2008.msg11923#msg11923) and have therefore significantly added to my bottom line.
Your honesty is to be commended. Anyone else?
Ignatius J. Reilly: I took money too, but I spent it on favours by Carol Vorderman, yet to be delivered. So I really am wavering.
Very well. There is some dispute that the traditional trial by combat is a required, given their unique situation as half breeds. I refer of course to their royal finger to the House of Windsor whilst being more than happy to retain their titles. I personally applaud their impertinence, even as I find them both tedious beyond belief. But that didn't stop Randolph Churchill from getting in.
Randolph Churchill: I have no quibble with that.
Has the Rules Committee come to a decision?
Seven of Nine: Yes.
Yes you've come to a decision, or yes such a trial is required?
Seven of Nine: Yes Sir. This is in answer to the question you asked me last week in camera, which I have now fully researched. You indicated you prefer to be called Sir by officers, especially the female ones, and wondered if there was anything in the by-laws which prohibits underfamiliarity to bolster your case. While your logic is questionable, I "got the gist". It has taken me this long to scan the databanks because they are quite voluminous with frankly an appalling amount of minutia, including fabricated minutes which for some reason are still allowed, quote "for the fun of it" unquote. Therefore I, as head of the rules committee, am now setting a good example by properly addressing you. Sir.
Thank you Seven, but that was a joke.
Seven of Nine: In the interests of productivity I would appreciate being fully briefed the next time you jest.
You forgot the Sir. Oh look, you've learned how to roll your eyes.
Amerigo Vespucci: Venerable (https://twitter.com/jollygoodthen/status/1000279733324648448) Leader, information has come to light which may have a bearing on the verdict of this august quorum.
And they say (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-46846467) Amerigans don't do sarcasm. What is it, old chap?
Amerigo Vespucci: Harry has already attempted to sneak in dressed as a Nazi – one of the good ones who helped the US win the space race – while Meghan tried it on as Wonder Woman. Credit where it's due, Seven uncovered the ruse.
This is shocking, but such stunning audacity is actually in their favour. I think we've now got enough background information to call a vote. Trail by combat is hereby waived, the couple having already proven themselves adept at media manipulation, which is close enough. Ad astra per aspera.
Randolph Churchill: Pardon?
"Through adversity to the stars," if my Latin (https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=118332.msg2591926#msg2591926) is not too rusty. Seven?
[A vote is taken with everyone but Ivan the Terrible abstaining]
In by a whisker. We'll have them, but there will be a price. They must at all times be addressed as the Duck and Duckess. Ivan, invite them in at their earliest convenience and we'll throw a little party.
Ivan the Terrible: They're in the boot of my car, along with Oprah.
Excuse me?
Ivan the Terrible: It’s OK. It’s a rental, and I made air holes.
Do you have Piers Morgan in there too?
Ivan the Terrible: Sorry, No.
Pity.
Oprah actually owns us through a shell corporation, though she may not be aware of it. Seven, think you can plan and execute a party in the time it will take Ivan to unlock the boot and waddle them in here? A mock battle scene would be a nice touch.
Seven of Nine: That's not my job, but Sir yes Sir.
Until then I'll be in my ready room. Et ludos incipere.
Title: A brief history of time
Post by: sam on April 21, 2022
Stephen Hawking is co-chairing today's meeting for added gravitas. Thanks for coming, Stephen. I know Seven of Nine is keeping you busy in Astrometrics.
Stephen Hawking: No problem.
Seven of Nine: I would like to lodge a complaint.
Very well. Not about Stephen, surely?
Seven of Nine: Stephen's work is adequate...
Coming from you that's very high praise indeed.
Seven of Nine: I would prefer not to be called Shirley, as that is not my designation. [Waits a beat.] Unfortunately the joke has been rendered less effective by the interruption. Now for the complaint. My work on the Rules Committee was equally vital, yet you have replaced me there with Harry Kim, whose talents in any known capacity don't progress far beyond hapless. I can "wear more than one hat".
I'll talk to HR about it. Any other complaints, people?
Vladimir Lenin: Yes, why have you put me in men's hat check? Men don't wear hats anymore.
We all have our strengths, Vlad. Mine is nurturing hidden talents.
Stephen Hawking: [All but clears throat]
Right. Today's business concerns a formal censure of one of our members. Calamity Jane (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKEZbgaqJWo&t=14s) keeps getting drunk and offering Stephen a lap dance. This is behaviour unbecoming, etc. Stephen himself has indicated to me that he wouldn't mind so much if only she'd stop drooling, which interferes with his electronics. Do I have that about right, Stephen?
Stephen Hawking: Actually I thought we were here to discuss a series of lectures I'd like to offer to the membership about the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics.
Was that today? Sorry, I didn't get the memo. All who want to hear Stephen's lectures, say Aye.
All: Aye
All who agree that Calamity Jane should be censured, say Aye.
Calamity Jane: [glaring at everyone to keep quiet] Aye!
Given your obvious contrition, I'm moved to downgrade the formal censure to a stern rebuke if you'll promise to stay away from Astrometrics unless you're sober.
Calamity Jane: I can live with that.
Stephen Hawking: Or at least wear a bib.
Calamity Jane: Done.
All's well that ends well. Stephen, I look forward to your first lecture.
(https://i.imgur.com/u258CkN.jpg)
Time begins when you're born and ends when you die. A lot of people don't make the most of it. Make sure you do.
Title: Fancy and preoccupation
Post by: Michel de Montaigne on April 21, 2022
Aristotle, who will still have a hand in everything, makes a ‘quaere’ upon the saying of Solon, (https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/solon_378421) that none can be said to be happy (https://twitter.com/jollygoodthen/status/554902999672561664) until he is dead: “whether, then, he who has lived and died according to his heart’s desire, if he have left an ill repute behind him, and that his posterity be miserable, can be said to be happy?” Whilst we have life and motion, we convey ourselves by fancy and preoccupation, whither and to what we please; but once out of being, we have no more any manner of communication with that which is, and it had therefore been better said by Solon that man is never happy, because never so, till he is no more.
Title: Awkward by design
Post by: sam on April 21, 2022
You always lighten the mood, Mickey.
Today's meeting concerns site stickiness.
Anaïs Nin: What on earth is that?
It means, having stumbled in, how likely are people to stick around?
Thank you. We don't know how many of those 'Guests' are spiders, spies sent by hostile foreign powers, or bizarre artefacts of the web. The head of our brainiac division has applied a formula, far too complicated to go into here, which suggests a figure of 99%.
Ada Lovelace: Give or take.
Give or take. This means we have our work cut out for us.
Apsley Cherry-Garrard: Of what importance is it that even genuine guests are converted into users? Is validation required?
Richard Feynman: My parking is validated whenever I login.
Constantine the Great: I thought you played bongo.
We'll come back to that if there's time.
Anaïs Nin: That new Watch on >YouTube (https://stackoverflow.com/questions/66592744/is-there-a-way-to-remove-the-watch-on-youtube-banner-on-embedded-youtube-video) banner in embedded videos can't help. Nor the plethora of links SOME OF US (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=2008.msg11229#msg11229) like to throw into posts. Tab overload!
Ada, do you have the research on links leading people away, or tab fatigue?
Ada Lovelace: We've observed nil effect.
That's a relief.
Ada Lovelace: That's the good news.
What's the bad news?
Ada Lovelace: Why does everybody always assume there's bad news? Where's the logic?
So there's no bad news?
Ada Lovelace. No, there's bad news, as the next slide shows.
Ada Lovelace: NACF is the square peg trying to fit into the round hole. Sorry, we didn't have time to insert text.
That metaphor isn't really working for me.
Constantine the Great: Maybe it would help if it was animated like it's supposed to be.
Maybe. Look, is there any way we can turn this around, short of becoming round?
Ada Lovelace: I'm afraid not.
Very well. Richard, would you like to close the meeting?
Title: Don't mention the war
Post by: sam on April 21, 2022
Ladies and gentlemen, I've gathered you together in the war room to discuss something we can't talk about. Before we go any further, is that crystal clear?
Salvador Dalí: We've taken a straw poll at the lemonade stand, which has a ready supply of straws. It was unanimous. More sugar is always better until it's not.
I see. Is that a lobster in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Salvador Dalí: That's Jordan Peterson. Say hello, Jordan.
Salvador Dalí, pretending to be lobster, speaking in a bubbly voice and not doing a very good ventriloquist act: Hello Jordan.
G.K. Chesterton, looking at watch: Can we please get on with it? I have an appointment with my watch maker.
I'll humour you, Salvador. What were the results of the poll?
Lobster: Chesty Chesterton is getting shirty. I shall snap him with my big snapper!
Settle down. The thing we can't talk about is a known uknown. Or perhaps it's the other way around.
Yogi Berra: What goes around comes around.
What matters is that as club members you all continue to conduct yourselves with dignity and grace.
Lobster: Dignity and grace! Don't eat me please, I've heard stories.
Furthermore, I would ask you to
Ring ring!
G.K., could you get that? You're closest to the phone.
G.K. Chesterton: Hello, can I help – ouch!
What happened? Are you hurt?
G.K. Chesterton: Someone has exchanged the receiver.
(https://i.imgur.com/zN8VGnX.jpg)
I'll get maintenance on it. Where were we.
Madame de Staël: Actually there was a poll, and we the membership would like a banana stand, too.
Is this unanimous? I'm not sure there's money in the budget for it this fiscal year. Is our comptroller here?
Clementine Churchill: Present and accounted for.
What say ye?
Clementine Churchill: There's always money for a banana stand.
In that case it would be churlish to refuse.
G.K. Chesterton: Can we add a shoeshine?
I'm not sure that's fiscally sound. We'd need a volunteer to run it.
Lobster: I'll do it! I'll nip off the old man's toes and use them as garnish for my salad!
[Chair looks at watch]
Salvador Dalí, pretending to be watch: I'm melting!
Very well. I think we've covered all the bases.
Yogi Berra: It ain't over till it's over.
You can say that again.
Title: Service is its own reward
Post by: sam on April 21, 2022
Herman Melville: This is an intervention. There is concern about your fixation with a certain East Sussex bike company specialising in titanium.
Just because I've put "Don't buy an Enigma" on my calling card* doesn't mean I'm fixated.
Herman Melville: We think you should let it go now.
Can we talk about this later? I'm in the middle of a Downton Abbey athon. I've got a lot of catching up to do. Did you know Matthew Crawley died in a car crash? Terrible shock.
Herman Melville: Yes, it was in the news some time ago.
(https://i.imgur.com/vJqxWNl.jpg)
Poor Lady Mary. Not that she's the most sympathetic of characters, but nobody deserves to be robbed of happiness so cruelly. It seems like only yesterday Matthew was proposing.
(https://i.imgur.com/Ho8QIu9.jpg)
Herman Melville: I see you've taken screenshots.
(https://i.imgur.com/XGzIMlA.jpg)
Speaking of Carson, did you know he's even more of a snob than Mary?
Herman Melville: You could cut the irony with a knife.
Yes, but which one? I'm still coming to grips with the spoon situation.
(https://i.imgur.com/PICihQS.jpg)
I reckon the really good silver is actually titanium, what do you think?
Herman Melville: I think that would make a good segue back to the topic at hand.
Sure thing. But first, Anna and Bates. Tell me this scene didn't have you rooting for a conjugal.
Herman Melville: The sea is my mistress. I hate to tell you this, but something very bad happens to Anna.
Don't be a spoiler
(https://i.imgur.com/yUyjmiZ.jpg)
As of this writing I haven't gotten far past Anna's rape. Please tell me Mr Green gets both, and then some.
[close]
Sybil's death was bad enough. Let's concentrate on the good times.
(https://i.imgur.com/CeAQWOR.jpg)
No, that just makes me sad, knowing what lies ahead.
(https://i.imgur.com/oJXKXje.jpg)
I'm not sure how that shot from After Life got in here. It's not helping.
(https://i.imgur.com/OwxoHQS.jpg)
Better. That reminds me, I've got a long way to go with Archer – if Netflix pulls it anytime soon I'm in trouble. But back to the landed gentry
(https://i.imgur.com/uan4u99.jpg)
and their support staff.
(https://i.imgur.com/0SZr11n.jpg)
Now that's the sort of entertainment we're here for. O'Brien of course later booked passage to India and was recruited by the Thuggee.
Herman Melville: About this intervention...
Is it just you then? The whole gang was there for Christopher's.
Herman Melville: It's a beautiful day. They're out for a ride. I've got this covered.
If Matthew had kept his bike instead of buying that sports car he might still be alive.
(https://i.imgur.com/c9Sqx3A.jpg)
Then again, judging by how happily distracted he was by visions of his perfect new family,
(https://i.imgur.com/suCdRYe.jpg)
he might have very unphotogenically ended up under the wheels of that truck and been as dead as my respect for Enigma. Who knows.
Herman Melville: About that–-
Keeping my story out there is a public service. There aren't many reviews from long time customers, it's mostly "Look at the bling bikes!" and rather pointless anecdotes of how helpful they are when they're trying to make a sale. I'll likely save some people from grief, and that makes me genuinely happy.
(https://i.imgur.com/jyOhHVs.jpg)
Now, would you like to catch some outtakes?
Herman Melville: This isn't my idea of 'Masterpiece Classic', or whatever they're calling it, but very well. [Sits down on the couch and picks up a pair of ball bearings from the end table] What are these?
A little gift I've magicked up for you. Titanium. And yes, I agree with you and David,
but I'm going to keep watching anyway. Comfy, Mr Classics?
Herman Melville [rolling ball bearings in hand]: These are strangely soothing.
(https://i.imgur.com/bfg0xhz.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/xWAAyJ2.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/Ej5zZDT.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/nOI6jZt.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/8vqcz5i.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/Sm5BC8b.jpg)
(https://i.imgur.com/DVDsfVU.jpg)
* Only tradesmen have business cards
Title: Obscurum per obscurius
Post by: sam on April 21, 2022
Today we consider a site motto. (Needless to say this is to be distinguished from our mission statement.) I believe we have a quorum, if Al will stop hovering by the doorway. In or out, Al?
Al Swearengen: Fucking in.
Mary Whitehouse: (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=2008.msg11766#msg11766) Is that sort of language necessary?
Al Swearengen: "Quid infants sumus?"
Calamity Jane: Translated, that means go fuck yourself, we're not babies.
Mary Whitehouse: Well I never.
[Too many rejoinders to count]
Moving right along—
Uvedale Price: Obscurum per obscurius.
Pardon me?
Uvedale Price: It just seems apropos in all kinds of ways.
We'll add it to the list.
Clava Scriba: Technically there's no list yet. That's the first contribution.
Al Swearengen: What about mine?
Any other suggestions? Please?
Harpo Marx: A question. Does it have to be Latin?
It has to make people think, or google.
Al Swearengen: Oderint dum metuant.
Calamity Jane: Carpe vinum.
Al Swearengen: Do you put your pinky up when you're drinking that?
Mary Whitehouse: Who is this beastly man?
Al Swearengen:
Nescis quomodo me taedet male stupri
(https://i.imgur.com/bbDStxb.jpg)
(That one never gets old)
[close]
The universal translator really made a hash of that, didn't it. Let's take a break.
[Room empties. The last to leave is Lawrence Oates, who turns the light off. Dust settles.
Two more members wander in.]
(https://i.imgur.com/tjy3Smo.png)
Archy: quis leget haec
Mehitabel: Credo quia absurdum. (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/acf/index.php?topic=51473.0)
(https://i.imgur.com/5OF2ssV.png)
Title: Singalong
Post by: sam on April 21, 2023
The postman brought a letter from Stonewall. They're looking for new Diversity Champions after the departure of the BBC and other major players. What do you say, people? This is an inclusive space, right?
Anne Sexton: Do they know what a woman is?
Let's see. It says here "Woman is not a feeling. It's not a costume, an emotion, or a performance. It's just a body. A body that is oppressed in a multitude of ways, not because of identity, but because of sex. A body that requires certain protections in law because it is vulnerable to physical violence from men and at risk of exploitation because of its reproductive function."
Anne Sexton: That's from Stonewall?
I'm messing with you. That's from some radical called J. Stein. (https://filia.org.uk/latest-news/2021/12/1/should-you-declare-your-pronouns-a-simple-guide)
Bram Stoker: That J is suspicious. Just look at Donald J. Trump.
Aldous Huxley: I have it on good authority (https://mobile.twitter.com/un_women/status/1235977079839166464) that women are limitless and formless. Who wouldn't want to be formless and limitless?
Anne Sexton: It doesn't sound like much fun on a Saturday night.
Bram Stoker: How about girl-flavoured person (https://thehelenjoyce.com/what-is-a-woman/)?* I like that one. Especially on a Saturday night.
*another J!
Anne Sexton: Have you been licking Eddie Izzard (https://thecritic.co.uk/male-transgenderism-is-sexism-on-steroids/)?
Bram Stoker: Wouldn't you like to know.
Augustine of Hippo: If someone wants to be a woman, as far as I am concerned, welcome to the club.
It's safe to say you have our rapt attention.
Augustine of Hippo: Now I'm messing with you.
Augustine of Hippo: With apologies to the pope, I'm no saint. When I feel like a woman I go out and get myself one [winks at Anne, who ignores him]. Sunday is for repenting.
Bram Stoker: I had to watch the video several times for critical analysis. At least one of the probable ejaculators has long hair. [Pantomime horror] It's all so confusing.
Anne Sexton: Have any of the great thinkers divined what a man is?
Bram Stoker: I can confirm that he's not a bat. I've looked into the matter.
Aldous Huxley: How about a rat?
Bram Stoker: That's debatable.
Augustine of Hippo: As long as we're raiding the animal kingdom, I vote sheep. (https://ianleslie.substack.com/p/in-praise-of-sheeple)
Everyone: BAAA! (https://archive.fo/6qWEZ)
I'm glad you got that out of your system. All those wishing to join the diversity scheme say aye.
Everyone: AYE!
All those taking the piss (http://sheila-jeffreys.com/the-politics-of-the-toilet-a-feminist-response-to-the-campaign-to-degender-a-womens-space/) say aye.
Everyone: AYE!
The ayes have it. On a seemingly unrelated matter, we've moved the clocks forward another year. You may recall that we were hoping to outrace the pandemic. Optimism isn't what it used to be.
Title: Play it as it lays
Post by: sam on April 21, 2023
Viewing figures (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=2011.0) are once again hugging the x-axis.
Lord Kelvin: I often say that when you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it; but when you cannot measure it, when you cannot express it in numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory kind.
Thanks for the pep talk.
John Milton: Oh FFS. Just get on with it. (https://prettygoodbritain.com/wp/?p=5340)
Anne Sexton: Or not.
archy: you know my thoughts (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=1036.msg13998#msg13998) on the subject
Dorothy Parker: (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/acf/index.php?topic=51902.0) I say kill your darlings. The entire site qualifies.
Mehitabel: If with the literate I am Impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; We all assume that Dorothy said it.
Ellen Ripley: Dorothy or whoever is right. Nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
Annie Jump Cannon: You say that about everything.
It's time for an illustration. You know how itchy I get without them.
Tycho Brahe: (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=1560.msg14309#msg14309) Is that your way of telling us you're going to add a facility for Likes (https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/please-dont-like-me.179497/page-4#post-6297140)?
No, just a bit of tangential recycling. I think we can all agree that Likes would be spectacularly pointless. Unlike, well, you know.
Tycho Brahe: I've got a new nose guy. He's not so grate at the sanding.
Anyone else want to chime in here with homonyms, epigrams, or cold hard logic?
Charles Babbage: Embrace the 1's and 0's.
Joan Didion [Everyone: Welcome Joan!]: Play it as it lays.
John Milton: The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. God I'm thirsty.
archy: drinks at the slaughtered lamb (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=1560.msg14245#msg14245) question mark i frequent the algonquin room which has a fine selection of spirit puddles and crumbs
[A rush for the EXIT. Some wag has scribbled NO above the flickering sign.]
[Addressing chairs, now empty except for one with a nose sitting neatly on top] Good meeting.
Title: Time after time
Post by: sam on April 21, 2023
My name is sam and I have OCD.
Everyone: Hello sam.
Is it just you for today's meeting Nikola?
Nikola Tesla: Did you forget that it's Jab Day? They're all in the Clean Room.
which is the only space large enough to maintain adequate social distancing as long as there's not another outbreak of the tango. As Science & Sanitation Officer I had it scrubbed down to the molecular level after a surprise inspection last week brought to light so many health code violations I had to stop counting. [Pauses] I jest about the counting.
Very well. By the way, you don't have to sit all the way at the back. Feel free to move your chair closer to the lectern. I am certified Covid free.
Nikola Tesla: Here's fine, thanks. Anyway it's nearer to the toilet {shudder} so I can wash my hands if necessary, and it's always necessary. You should think about installing a dedicated sink room, preferably with 3 sinks in a virtuous circle.
[Sound of flushing. Humbug (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=1245.msg12804#msg12804) hops in.] Humbug: Allo! Thas the firstime I av used one of those flushy things. I hope yer didn't start wivvout me.
Do you have obsessive compulsive disorder, Humbug?
Humbug: Not that I'm aware ov. But I av already ad my shots ta.
If you don't mind my saying, you don't sound exactly like the Humbug I know.
Humbug: Maybe you'll need to edit my dialogue 50 times to get it right, eh?
Nikola Tesla: [Turning to look at Humbug] Why 50? Is there a reason you chose that number?
Humbug: No reason, its just a big number that soundz about rite even if I dont quite. [Approaches Tesla and raises paw to shake hands]
Nikola Tesla [Looks at paw with something akin to horror]
Humbug: Sorry, I forgot! [Hops on a windowsill and settles in]
[Clears throat and begins] This isn't something I tend to bring up in public. It's embarrassing. It's mental – literally. But I think it's good to talk about these things, to help destigmatise them.
Humbug: You're among friends. Sometimz I get tired of talkin like this, especiarly when I haven't had practice, if you know wat I mean. Proceed.
I have it for real. Not just the jokey kind where you're a bit of a neat freak. It manifested when I was a child. The usual hand washing. Pointless rituals. Intrusive thoughts, which is hellish, (https://prettygoodbritain.com/wp/?p=10253) let me tell you. Eventually my parents signed me up for the talking cure. I suppose it helped, though I don't remember more than the fact that it got better until it got worse again. I'd go through cycles. At its worst I suffer full blown panic attacks, the ones where you quite genuinely are convinced you are going to die. Just recalling what it feels like as you slide into that icy state of pure terror is enough to give me a case of the shivers.
I've largely conquered it, though like being an alcoholic no matter how dry you are, you always have OCD. It's the way I'm wired. It still influences me in certain ways, though it can be hard to tell when a search for excellence crosses the line into being "a little OCD."
Nikola Tesla: Surely you'd like to share examples with us. Or one in particular?
Thought you'd never ask. I like to edit. Almost all of my posts (https://prettygoodbritain.com/wp/?p=1573) go through changes. Some of the more intricate ones will indeed be edited dozens of times, though I've never counted and don't care to. It's my process.
Nikola Tesla: But that means...
That's right. It means that what you're reading now may not be the same thing that's here tomorrow. It's not just fixing typos, grammatical errors, and redundancies. Maybe I'll end up covering a new angle that I'm horrified I missed in the first place. Or add pictures or video. A recent example of a many chang'd thing is 'Publish and be damned (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=4445.0)'. That has easily had a record number of AA's.
Nikola Tesla: AA's?
Sorry. 'Author's Alteration'. It's a term from my typesetting days when we'd charge the client for every AA.
rewrite!
As happens often enough,I've been here before: (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=2264.msg13473#msg13473)
A flaw in my process often renders me unable to post without a host of further edits as I continue to examine the angles and interrogate myself about my own truthfulness. Eventually this settles down; it definitely stops if there's a reply except for clarification or grammar or harmless flourish. The nature of this site means it's not traditionally been a problem in the slightest. Should that change, I'll try my best to move on after the final full stop.
Humbug: Wivvout wishing to offend, it does sound ravver mental.
What can I say, I get pleasure from writing and rewriting and hope at least a few people will get pleasure in the reading. I may actually prefer revising, because confonting a cursor on a blank screen is almost always harder.
Forums are the ideal environment for this type of expression. It's instant publishing, endlessly editable. All the better when there's no edit line, which is why we don't have one here. Incidentally, Yacf doesn't either – an idea I'm happy they got from me. Most forums I've been to have an edit line.
Yacf is only getting a mention because its very existence is down to my bugbear with emoticons (though if it hadn't been that it almost certainly would have been something else). Contrary to popular belief I don't mind the occasional smiley. But they were becoming almost like Tribbles and doing my head in.
Humbug:
(https://i.imgur.com/kcYhuFQ.jpg)
That looks awfully familiar. (https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=115151.msg2480824#msg2480824)
Humbug: Originality is undetected plagiarism.
William Inge, popping head in: Hey!
Nikola Tesla: Has everyone had their jabs and been hosed down in the decontamination chamber?
William Inge: [Runs quickly away]
Nikola Tesla: It takes all kinds.
Humbug: Anyfing else you want to get off yer chest sam?
Yes, thanks for asking. First if I may draw your attention to this post. (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=1811.msg11481#msg11481)
Nikola Tesla, Humbug, and William Inge [who has returned despite Nikola's glare]: Consider it drawn.
Anyone paying attention – a small and sainted club to be sure – will appreciate things lost on someone who's not invested beyond the link that brought them here. For a start, I love orchestrating coincidences. Take Smile (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=4448.0). Did you notice that (with one grim exception) nobody is smiling?
Nikola Tesla: I had thought that much was obvious.
You'd be surprised how much people miss. They've got other places to be and can't dally, you know.
Humbug: (https://i.imgur.com/3uqM4PV.jpg)
My apologies; we've covered site stickiness in a previous meeting.
This isn't obviously a blog even while it is explicitly not a forum. Hence I feel justified in capitalising on the confusion to attempt to host contributions of a certain calibre.
Humbug: If you do say so yourself. Aren't you worried people might think you a bike forum snob?
If there's one thing I don't give, it's a damn about that.
What I'm trying to get at is, every time I post I think about what kind of non-forum I want. Look, I care about words. (https://yacf.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=10772.0) Even the subject headings aren't thoughtlessly slapped on. At the risk of repeating myself, I'll repeat myself. Pay attention in the back.
Humbug [distracted by a butterfly outside the window]: Bah Humbug to peeps who don't use their peepers.
Nikola Tesla: I do wish people would take the time to appreciate the finer things in life. [Looks at watch] I've got an Insomniacs Anonymous meeting in three minutes.
See you there.
Title: Guestionnaire
Post by: sam on April 21, 2023
The membership committee divides the world into two groups: those who have the right stuff
"If you have to click this you don't have it"
(https://i.imgur.com/ITCHiip.jpg)
[close]
and those who miss too many references to be salvageable. I personally think they're being a little harsh, but then I'm mostly a figurehead who was grandfathered in.
The committee has come up with the following:
(https://i.imgur.com/c1c8pMq.jpg)
No, not the shirt. A survey. Sharpen your pencil.
My what?
"A pencil is (or was, depending how far into a dystopian feature we are by the time you read this) an instrument for writing or drawing, consisting of a thin stick of graphite or a similar substance enclosed in a long thin piece of wood or fixed in a cylindrical case." The idiom means (https://www.quora.com/What-does-the-idiom-sharpen-your-pencil-mean-What-are-its-origins/answer/Nan-Erwin) "Get ready to write, which by extension means get ready to problem solve or think."
[close]
- Please rate your experience of this website on a scale of 1 ("Couldn't get out fast enough") to 5 ("Addictive as Netflix on a desert island").
- Would you recommend this to friends, family, co-workers and strangers, i.e., everybody? If not, explain in rhyming couplet.
- It's fashionable these days to ascribe motive to even the most innocent and trifling of jokes. If you agree, explain why in the poetic form known as Ghazal (https://thecreative.cafe/the-most-difficult-poetic-form-aba00c59254f).
- Have you ever owned a dog whistle, and did it work? Answer within the parameters of Y/N only.
- When there is so much suffering in the world, how do you justify a digestive system which hums along nicely?
- What did you want to be when you grew up, a fireman or a firewoman?
- A dog, a cat, and a rabbit have to cross a river on the same boat. The cat and the dog don't like each other. The bunny gets along with everyone. (https://youtu.be/kHaVwz3Jj8A) There are a scorpion (https://youtu.be/RogdY0S0kko) and a frog (https://youtu.be/ifZfOE05SxQ) in another nearby boat, and the river is filled with crocodiles. Could you come up with a cautionary fable using this material?
- Are people pretty much the same everywhere, or are some really aliens pretending to be people?
- Do you believe time travel has already been invented but is only available to our betters?
Thank you.T-shirts are available in the lobby. (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=4506.0)
(https://i.imgur.com/UlPrtkU.jpg) Binging on Chicago Fire is not a universally relatable human experience
!¡
ChiFi takes me back to Emergency!
Kevin Tighe (who was also an extra in The Graduate!) would later be cuckolded by Gilbert Grape.
[close]
Title: Finis initium
Post by: sam on April 01, 2024
Be it hereby resolved that I am giving up posting after today. You are all my witnesses.
Title: Welcome to the rabbit hole
Post by: sam on April 21, 2023
Ladies and gentlemen and Grace Lavery, (https://twitter.com/bindelj/status/1512423628738113541) who wandered in off the street and has been fed, watered, and given accommodation in a very comfortable closet until a responsible person can come collect him, welcome to today's meeting.
Grace Lavery (https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00162y8) via Zoom: [Silent, as the sound as been turned off. The rest of the members respectfully wait until his mouth stops moving.]
No. 10 has its Chief Mouser. The White House (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=434.0) often has a resident and highly cosseted dog.
(https://i.imgur.com/mLaU6UI.jpg) Who's a good doggie? (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=256.msg10326#msg10326)
(https://i.imgur.com/4Ex5b1J.jpg) Who's a good doggie? (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=142.msg259#msg259)
(https://i.imgur.com/LtwJKCR.jpg) Who's been a bad boy? (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=306.msg10434#msg10434)
(https://i.imgur.com/Bxep59t.jpg) Who's a good doggie? (https://brownpoliticalreview.org/2020/01/who-let-the-dogs-out-trumps-aversion-to-presidential-pets/)
It is high time for us to have a house rabbit.
[Chair is wheeled in]
(https://i.imgur.com/bzrdrFF.jpg)
Pat Nixon: He's adorable.
Sophie Germain: So cute.
Marcel Marceau: [mimes petting him]
Marcel, you've been warned about mime during important meetings. Would you like a time out with Grace? (https://twitter.com/therestofus5/status/1490696379899035650)
Marcel Marceau: [mimes rubbing tears from eyes]
The vote is to give Chompsky free rein throughout the clubhouse, followed at a discreet distance by someone from maintenance to repair any damage to the structure.
[All members except one]: Aye!
[One member]: No!
[There is general confusion. Who would vote in such a perplexing way?]
Clarence Darrow: Sadly I'm allergic.
Fair enough. All in favour of removing Clarence from the membership roles to keep him from harm's way?
[All members, some on their feet]: Aye!
Serjeant-at-arms, please escort Clarence from the premises. Your things will be boxed up and sent to you later. Now then, shall we have that vote again? All those in favour of a house rabbit?
George Washington: (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=1560.msg14697#msg14697) Point of order. I thought Chompsky already had free rein of the clubhouse.
We're just making it official.
George Washington: In that case I have no objection.
[Not even waiting to have the vote called again, all members on their feet this time, some now openly weeping with relief]: AYE!
[Chompsky, disturbed by the commotion, hops off the chair and out of the room, followed a few moments later by maintenance.]
[The room empties except for Deanna Troi, (https://twitter.com/jollygoodthen/status/512643575385837568) lost in thought. Suddenly she sits up straighter.]
I get it. There are bad rabbit holes and good rabbit holes.
[Grace, (https://twitter.com/iseult/status/1512338600259633155) who hasn't been switched off, just glares. Danny Zuko comes back into the room, turns Grace (https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2022/02/28/trans-professor-grace-lavery-mother-twitter/)'s screen to the wall on the way to Deanna, and swings his leg over a chair. (https://youtu.be/lVIGhYMwRgs)]
(https://i.imgur.com/Vv9S5o7.jpg)
Danny Zuko: Hiya.
Deanna Troi: I'm always surprised at discovering just who is a member.
Danny Zuko [moving his chair closer]: I know, right?
Deanna Troi [inching her chair away]: What can I do for you, Danny?
Danny Zuko: You could like, give me your phone number and we could hook up.
Deanna Troi: Although I find your archetype appealing in a primal way, up close you actually make my skin crawl.
Danny Zuko: I know, right?
Deanna Troi: Danny, it's not a good feeling.
Danny Zuko [winks and gets up]: I can take a hint. Where's that chick I saw walking in? [Turns Grace (https://dauntbookspublishing.co.uk/book/please-miss/)'s screen back around. Staggers back, but quickly thinks better of it on a Saturday night] Well hello beautiful. (https://the-lies-they-tell.org/2022/02/08/review-of-grace-laverys-book/amp/)
Deanna Troi: I'll leave you two to it.
Title: Three's a crowd
Post by: sam on April 21, 2023
Do you mind if I turn this down?
[Turns it down]
I have a problem.
Sigmund Freud: You've come to the right place.
Yes, it's good we have a couch set up in the supply room.
Sigmund Freud: I'm not complaining. What's the problem?
I'm addicted to CycleChat's politics forum, aka NACA. (https://naca.cyclechat.net/)
Sigmund Freud: I see. Go on.
Lacking a forum of my own, (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/acf/index.php?topic=166.0) I obtain satisfaction from critiquing that one.
Sigmund Freud: Why that one in particular?
It’s small. Size matters. Easier to get a grip on it.
Sigmund Freud [holding cigar a little tighter]: As my colleague Erma Bombeck once said, the grass is always greener over the septic tank.
I'm sure the fact that I was banned from CC has nothing whatsoever to do with it.
Sigmund Freud: Are you sure?
Now that you mention it, no. It was probably for the best.
Sigmund Freud: Probably.
[Twists around on the couch] What makes you say that?
Sigmund Freud: What makes you say that?
[Settles back down to stare at the ceiling] I don't like confrontation. Why is there a mirror on the ceiling?
Sigmund Freud: The couch is actually a sofa bed.
Is that professional?
Sigmund Freud: Well, sometimes I pay, sometimes she does.
TMI
Sigmund Freud: You're the one who brought it up.
It would be so much more convenient if I was addicted to the CTC’s forum. (https://forum.cyclinguk.org/viewtopic.php?p=1689564#p1689564)
Sigmund Freud [looking at watch]: We can talk about that, but—
[There's a brief knock at the door. Catherine the Great bursts in.]
Catherine the Great: Sorry to take so long, the nearest ATM was out of order.
Sigmund Freud: I'm afraid our time is up.
[Gets up from the couch, which Catherine the Great immediately starts unfolding] But we haven't solved my problem.
No, but now I have one, which is that you're still here.
Catherine the Great [looking over speculatively]: Two langers (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=3893.msg15001#msg15001) are better than one. He can stay.
[Flees]
[Music starts up again]
(https://i.imgur.com/dkb0nXv.jpg) you can click me too (https://youtu.be/rw7AyVgf254)
Title: Tick tock
Post by: sam on May 26, 2023
We're gathered to celebrate NACF's 11th birthday, though as with the queen, it's not the real date. It's just when this domain was registered. Also it's only been 10 years, not counting the 7 years before. (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/acf/index.php?topic=4077.0) You know what time is like around here.
James Clerk Maxwell: It is all most perplexing. (http://notanothercyclingforum.net/news.html)
[There is a murmur of agreement amongst the other members. Orson Welles bellows "We will sell no wine before it's time!" (https://youtu.be/5C6EwLTAvHc) from the back. Anne Sullivan comforts him with a slap. Nikita Khrushchev is arm wrestling Charles the Bald at a table set up for chess while Beth Harmon (https://youtu.be/LE__me-uSOA) paces nearby. I could go on.]
Let us not concern ourselves with the particulars.
Marilyn Monroe: Would you like me to sing?
Thank you, but I already have entertainment booked.
Title: Captain's log, supplemental
Post by: sam on January 01, 2023
Our clocks need adjusting again. Alas the official timekeeper is on loan to Easter Island to reset their sundials.
(https://i.imgur.com/2OytDqi.jpg)
Title: Annual Meeting
Post by: sam on April 21, 2026
Ah good, the clocks have been reset. Thank you kindly, official timekeeper.
John Harrison: You're welcome.
How was Easter Island?
John Harrison:
Paul Erdős: Why 2026?
John Harrison: Because that's when our glorious Queen would've been 100 had her life not been cut cruelly short, thus depriving her of a letter from our glorious Queen.
Elizabeth R: We are not amused.
John Harrison: Begging your pardon
it was not an attempt at levity. That well went dry after my Chile quip.
Settle down people. It's been a while since our last meeting, and we've a lot of ground to cover.
Groundskeeper Willie: Dae we hae time fur shaw an' teel?
Always, Willie. Just not today. Which is a very special day. Could you stand up please, Paul?
Paul Erdős: I'm 110. Must I?
Do I have to call security?
Paul Erdős: I can never tell if you're serious. [Stands just in case]
[A big round of applause, though some are peeved at not having arrived so fashionably late to NACF]
Groundskeeper Willie: What's wrang wi' his lest nam? it looks loch a bunny stepped in it.
Paul Erdős:
Fast forward if you're short of time (https://youtu.be/eVl5Lpg0J1g?t=87)
Groundskeeper Willie: 'at bonny lass can teach me vowels onytime!
Elizabeth R: We are not impressed. (http://www.whoohoo.co.uk/scottish-translator.asp)
[Underwhelming translation aside, Elizabeth is starting to look at Willie the way Victoria did at John Brown]
Much of Paul's work centered around discrete mathematics, cracking many previously unsolved problems in the field. [Check notes] He championed and contributed to Ramsey theory, which studies the conditions in which order necessarily appears. Overall, his work leaned towards solving previously open problems, rather than developing or exploring new areas of mathematics.
[A round of less certain applause]
Paul agreed to have a look at our books. Bringing his considerable expertise with numbers to bear on the task, he turned them from red to black. Not only can we continue to pay the rent on our domain, we've got enough left over to donate to a good cause. The charities committee has the floor.
[Elizabeth R's retainers carry her in her chair up to the front]
Elizabeth R: This was not easy. There are so many worthy causes. After an exhaustive search, and much reflection, we are recommending Rack of Lamb.
[Significant pause]
Is that some kind of feed the mansionless scheme?
Elizabeth R: No, they are concerned with providing shepherds with lambing frames like so:
(https://i.imgur.com/bhwnmzl.jpg)
I see. (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=3806.msg14881#msg14881)
Elizabeth R: Charles speaks very highly of them. Duchy have been using them for years.
May I ask which charity came next in your estimation, no matter how far down in second place?
[A retainer hands her a slip]
Elizabeth R: Avocados Without Fear.
I'm almost afraid to ask.
Elizabeth R: A group of agricultural scientists have been working pro bono to find a cure for the unripe or overripe avocado.
Very well. All in favour of a donation to Rack of Lamb say aye.
[Scattered ayes]
Those who would prefer to help end the suffering of consumers of avocados, say aye.
[Thunderous chorus of AYEs]
Paul Erdős: Can I sit down now?
[Everyone else leaves. On the way out Elizabeth stifles a giggle at something Willie says about show and tell.]
Title: Off the record
Post by: Clava Scriba on June 22, 1995
Star chamber present and accounted for? Just say "yes" for the record. Though we're off the record.
Blaise Pascal, Jean-Paul Sartre, Dorothy Parker, Mary Whitehouse, Seven of Nine, and G.K Chesterton: Yes.
Thank you for coming. I hope that going back to the 90s hasn't been triggering for anyone. You've all signed the waiver for continuity errors. Any questions?
Dorothy Parker: Why the 90s?
I'm feeling nostalgic, and that was a sweet spot for me. Bring in the accused.
[Seven of Nine leaves then comes back with The Man With No Name and his lawyer, Clarence Darrow.]
Man With No Name, you stand accused of [checks notes] trying my patience. (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=8474.msg17450#msg17450) How do you plead?
Clarence Darrow: My client has nothing to say.
That was the problem, wasn't it. Your client had nothing to contribute.
Clarence Darrow: It's no crime. And my client doesn't know why it should be an issue.
Posting is the minimum requirement for ascertaining you have a pulse. Most present company excluded.
Blaise Pascal: On the contrary, Mary is getting something thrumming. I do enjoy a challenge.
Mary Whitehouse: I doubt you could handle me, old man.
[Chesterton raises an eyebrow]
Clarence, I seem to recall you yourself got the boot back in Reply #15. (https://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/index.php?topic=2708.msg14909#msg14909) Isn't that right, Seven?
Seven of Nine: That is correct. Would you like me to apply "the boot" again?
No, I'm feeling generous. Just not towards his client, who also ignored a simple query from yours truly. Verdict: guilty.
Dorothy Parker: Don't we get a vote?
Sure, as long as you agree with me.
Everyone: Guilty!
[The Man With No Name drops through a trapdoor into the outside world. Clarence, who hasn't been paid, jumps after him.]
G.K. Chesterton: Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
[Humouring Chesterton, who spits these things out from time to time apropos nothing] I'll have maintenance look into it.
Jean-Paul Sartre: Can we leave now? [He makes eyes at Mary, who grabs the doorknob. It comes off in her hand. Pascal grows tumescent.]
Bloody hell. Seven, you've proven to be something of a jack-of-all-trades. Can you fix that?
[Seven of Nine kicks the door down]
Sounds like the 90s out there too.
G.K. Chesterton: The purpose of Compulsory Education is to deprive the common people of their commonsense.
Blaise Pascal: The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.
Dorothy Parker: That's me pulled.
[Chesterton looks startled. Parker grabs Pascal to make herself clear. Beelines are made to the guest bedrooms.]
Seven, have you been doping the climate control with pheromones again?
Seven of Nine: You're the one who told me I needed a hobby.