Tell me a story Rud? Not the one about White Van Man, I've heard that a million times.
Out from the Web
Lunchtime. Finally. I headed for my favorite tree, cleared a homeless guy from the tuffet, upended my bag into my lap. Just whey today; I'm on a diet. An unlikely spider sat down beside me, twiddling its legs, eyes sparkling with mischief. A few of the eyes were looking off into the distance, but the rest shone.
"Well," it said in its high, reedy voice, "aren't you scared of me?" Not satisfied, it offered, "Most people are, you know. You shoulda seen this lady last week in the park. Had her kids with her, ugly little things, too, and a picnic lunch spread out. Well, I ambled over there and and hopped into the potato salad. At first she didn't notice me, so there I was slipping and sliding, hating the smell of the onions -- and so many onions! She musta been fumigating her mouth! -- anyway, here I am, waiting for her to look my way, when one of her little monsters sees me first.
"It's the girl. 'Eeeeeeek!' she says, just like in the comics, and that finally sets the lady off, cause she's high strung, I can tell. 'Whatsa matta?!?' she bleats, and the kid can only point, horrified. The mom looks into the bowl and I'm just holding my guts, laughing so hard."
It laughed for me, demonstrating, its voice higher and reedier.
"Heeheeheehee! Look at her chin quivering! Her blood's frozen! She's never seen such a horrifying sight as little old me! Man, it was a sight. Musta been one of those phobias, I'm thinking, because most people ain't enamored of us, but Jesus most of 'em don't lose their freakin' minds, either. It's not like I'm a tarantula. I figure I got her ticket. She's gonna faint or croak, and I can't have enough of it. Suddenly, clop!!!
"Some sonofabitch's put the lid on the bowl! For a minute I can't figure out who, since they're all a bunch of sissies, then I hear a man's voice, some Sir Galahad, yeah, the world's like full of 'em. Well, he did brave the kids....
"Then I'm sliding around in all that muck, he's taking me somewhere. Before I can get my bearings he's emptying the damn bowl in a wastebasket. Well, at least he don't litter. I make my way out of the mess and I'm not too peeved, you shoulda seen the look on the lady's face!! It was worth it. I'm not complaining."
It rested its voice and its legs, some of which had been waving excitedly in the air during the retelling. I had to agree with it when it said, "A spider's life is full of all kinds of stuff like that, I'm telling you." Then it left, legs tearing up the ground in their own insignificant way.
Author