Today in history

[Vladimir Lenin]

An international race to the bottom was held, with no recorded winners.

[Max Planck]

Happy birthday to me. You may know me as the genius and early investor in Al's fridge business who devised my very own constant, an equation which is too complicated to go into here but elegantly calculates the quantum of action (not to be confused the action flick Quantum of Solace) which powers a cyclist unless stopped by a pub. Perhaps ironically, I was admittedly an inept mechanic and required my doctoral student Lise Meitner to repair any punctures, taking care to always take credit for successful inflations, as was the custom.

Here's an unauthorised shot by paparazzi of me returning Einstein's wallet after mischievously pickpocketing it at Comic Con '29; I'm not ashamed to admit I was also a fan of Buck Rogers, then giving a talk on radioactivity-induced suspended animation.

[Sigmund Freud]

It's not generally known I had a wireless phone-in show just like Frasier. One of the callers was Bugsy Siegal, who described a recurring dream.

He was being pursued by the Feds, but was hampered by Tony Soprano's mother, who refused to budge from the handlebars; in that magic way dreams have, she was also Bugsy's mom. "Mamma mia!" he'd implore her, "do you want me to get caught?" She'd give him a withering look, which as we all know was the only look Livia had, and promptly stick her shoe in the spokes, sending them both tumbling to the ground, whereupon she'd then berate him for seeing a psychiatrist and complain bitterly that he was unbalanced.

I devoted the entire half hour to unravelling his psyche, which earned his undying gratitude. He was gunned down the very next day for "singing like a canary", which I thought a bit harsh.

Any excuse for a Sopranos clip

[Daphne du Maurier]

Last night I dreamt I was riding my bike again. This morning I got a call from the shop that they had indeed finished the repairs.