Not Another Cycling Forum

~ => Freewheeling => Topic started by: sam on March 08, 2013

Title: In the news
Post by: sam on March 08, 2013
The Craven Herald & Pioneer: (
Craven will increasingly see groups of cyclists coming into the area to ride the Tour de France route, police have warned...

“They are a law unto themselves. We have an elderly population in Embsay and we’ve had incidents where car wing mirrors have gone missing. Something needs to be done,” said Councillor Quinn.


"Every cyclist worth his salt" will want a trophy.
Title: In the news
Post by: sam on March 27, 2013

Victoria Pendleton, CBE – Commander of the Most Excellent ( Order of the British Empire


Flanked by much decorated previous winners of Best Hat award
Title: Hire scheme victim of media hit
Post by: sam on July 11, 2013
From the front page of yesterday's Evening Standard:


Another heartbreaker. But what does 'Boris bike victim' even mean? I can't quite figure it out.
Title: In the news
Post by: sam on September 04, 2013
"For me, putting my helmet on ( now is a habit and I’ll wear it even if I’m going to the shop for a pint of milk."

Title: In the news
Post by: sam on April 11, 2014
"A cyclist outraged by the bad behaviour of his fellow bikers has captured their dangerous moves on camera," reports ( the Daily Mail, a British newspaper known for the quality of its journalism ( and photography. (

The unidentified documentarian recorded many provocative maneuvers, including this:



Cue howls of laughter ( and the inevitable reference to Darwin. In defence of the acrobat, who was unharmed by his truncated somersault, a sign conveniently out of shot advises other road users to yield to tumbling cyclists:

Title: Bothered + bewildered = bewitched
Post by: sam on July 10, 2014
What can you do when Bicyclist bullies try to rule the road? ( Grab that broom from the garage to arm yourself for battle:

Title: In the news
Post by: sam on July 23, 2014

Very much the motorist's bad, ( yes – but a cyclist looking to not have it happen again would perhaps want to bone up on his hazard perception. This might sound like blaming the victim. The trick is to not become a victim in the first place.

Video footage invites second guessing. My guess is that the cyclist might have been able to avoid this. You're approaching an intersection where a car may turn. A car is coming. Do the geometry. Slow down. 22mph is a good clip on a road which is not short of hazards.

I imagine that were Mr Thoburn to read this he would offer the same comment to me as he did to the driver just before the collision.

From the Romford Recorder: (
Mr Thoburn, who was only wearing the camera for the second time when he was hit, issued advice to drivers and cyclists alike.

“Take your time, people are always in a rush these days and cycling is growing. We need investment in cycle schemes and lanes, we need awareness from drivers that we have as much right to be on the road as drivers,” he said.

“And we need awareness from cyclists as well, there are as many bad cyclists as there are bad drivers.”

Entirely understandable to want to get up on a soapbox after being knocked off your bike, but there are no grand lessons to be learned from this. Just be glad that after watching your life pass before your eyes, you landed on your feet.
Title: In the news
Post by: sam on July 27, 2014
Somebody won the Tour de France today. The name flashed before my eyes, into my brain, then bounced back out again. Italian, I think?

Remember how Sherlock Holmes didn't allow certain mundane facts, like the earth going around the sun, to crowd more important things out of his head, like varieties of cigar ash? Although I don't solve mysteries or relax with cocaine, I can empathise. Racing only intrudes into my thoughts insofar as it creeps into practically everything cycling.


I'm not here to diss racing. But I think it's mostly a bad influence. The kit alone turns us into The Other; it separates (and lifts? is this a bra ad?) cyclists when I believe what we need is mass integration. George Hahn put it thus in So I Don't Wear a Helmet. Get Off My Ass:

From the time Lance Armstrong took his first major victory in the early ’90s, cycling culture in America has been dominated by racing. Drunk on it, actually. Not only does everyone suddenly need a helmet, but we also need specialized gear and tight Lycra clothes with taint padding. The bikes themselves are razor-thin, feather-light contraptions, helping the non-professional rider go even faster. It’s all about the extreme… extreme lightweight, extreme racing, extreme speed, extreme tension on the face of the rider. And apparently extremely dangerous all of a sudden.

Nor does it help that champs ( are given a platform to pontificate on matters which have nothing to do with their area of expertise, which is going faster than the next guy.

As I don't live in an isolation tank, some cyclesporty stuff does seep in and stay. Miguel Indurain, for example. Won the big one a handful of times, got to keep the medals? There was something about him I admired. He reminded me of Bjorn Borg: icewater in his veins, heart beating once a minute.

Title: Angry birds
Post by: sam on July 31, 2014
Ruffled feathers (


In other bird news (
Title: Boo
Post by: sam on October 31, 2014
For Halloween this year I'm going as a psychopath. (


The costume looks easy.
Title: pulp friction
Post by: sam on May 24, 2015
Wiggo was in the news again, ( at least my custom tailored feed of it. It's all kind of a blur now.

Title: In the news
Post by: sam on July 29, 2015
Boris Bites Back
Calls intensified by vigilante groups for London Mayor Boris Johnson to be spanked for riding with his wife on a bike ( which wasn't a tandem. "He's breakin the law innit," said one before lapsing into the Queen's English: "Public officials must be held to a higher standard. Politicians should be good role models. Think of the children."

The naughty moptop was also taken to task by a charity group for the patronising tone he took with passersby for merely suggesting he have a cuddle with his wife. "'Night night?' WTF was that?" tweeted Relate.

CTC spokesperson Crikey Crossman was quoted saying something exquisitely boring.

"You can all go fuck yourselves," said Johnson in a prepared statement which was later clarified by his press officer: "Mr Johnson wishes to apologise. He only intended for some of the press to go fuck themselves. The rest he wishes to die."

A demo is planned in Trafalgar Square, with a permit already granted for playful water cannons.

Title: In the news
Post by: sam on August 03, 2015
Judge: 'Twats must pay twits for tweets'
In a ruling already raising controversy in the press corps but hailed as "Justice" by citizen-journalists, High Court Judge Sir Hermès Daisy-Chain Frozenpeas has ruled that The Dail Mail must pay "the going rate" to those whose tweets are used in the course of filling space. "Some stories appear to be largely composed of 'twitches' [sic], said Daisy-Chain Frozenpeas in his ruling, pointedly referring to the recent Mail Online article 'Motorists vent their fury as Ride London cycling event causes travel chaos across the capital'. (

The National Union of Journalists condemned the ruling, adducing that the judge didn't even know the correct terminology. "First of all, they are called 'tweets', not 'twitches', thundered NUJ spokesperson Nutella über-Jones in an open letter published in The Times this morning aimed at the entire judiciary system. "This lack of correct wordage speaks to how out of touch judges are. Second, to label journalists 'twats' is highly offensive to those of us who aren't. We demand a blanket apology."

Frozenpeas: out of touch?

A clerk for Frozenpeas speaking off the record admitted that the Justice was overly fond of alliteration, noting previous rulings, 'Biased BBC Bollocks'  and 'Commerce Clause Cunts'. The clerk also claimed that Frozenpeas was unaware of the popular meaning of 'twat', citing Robert Browning's use of it in Pippa Passes ( in 1841: 'Then, owls and bats, cowls and twats,/Monks and nuns, in a cloister's moods,/Adjourn to the oak-stump pantry!' The clerk promised to annotate the chambers copy of Browning forthwith to avoid future embarrassment.

Reaction was swift across the rejoicing Twittersphere:


additional reporting by @jollygoodthen (
Title: In the news
Post by: sam on November 27, 2015
Rubik's Record Reductio Ad Absurdum
The world's smallest Rubik's Cube has been solved by a man riding the world's smallest bicycle.


The man, who is normal-sized, prefers to remain anonymous as he is wanted for questioning in connection with the infamous Hyde Park cuber, ( to whom he provided a small amount of technical support.

Special Rubik's cube news update September 2016:
What is a crime in some countries is celebrated in others. (
Title: Is There a Puncture Faerie?
Post by: sam on December 24, 2016

We take pleasure in answering the communication below:

Dear Editor–
I am 18 years old. Some of my Facebook Friends say there is no Puncture Faerie. Papa says, “If you see it in The Leek, ( it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Puncture Faerie?
Virginia O’Handkerchief

Virginia, you Friends are wrong as rain. They have been affected by the skepticism of a fake news filled age. They do not believe except they see much-shared links. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their confirmation bias. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, nay a gnat in an ant’s eye, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole truth and knowledge as it is written in Wikipedia.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Puncture Faerie. He exists as certainly as flints and thorns and nails exist, and you know they abound on the roads and give to your experience its spice of suffering. Alas! how dreary would be the ride if there were no Puncture Faeries (not!). It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith in puncture-resistant technologies, no swapping of war stories online to make tolerable this existence in RL.

We should have no enjoyment, except in sense. The external light which nonsense fills the world would be extinguished. Dull technical specs would prevail in all the literature.

Not believe in the Puncture Faerie! You might as well not believe in Santa Claus. You might get your papa to hire men to line the roads to catch the Faerie, but even if you did not see him darting out into the road, what would that prove? Nobody sees the Faerie, but that is no sign that there is no Faerie. The first rule of bike clubs is don’t mention the Faerie. The most real things in the world are those that neither grumpy mechanics nor keyboard warriors can see. Did you ever see Santa dancing in the front garden? You have? That’s because your neighbour was trying to outdo his neighbour, who offered Rudolph with a 1000 watt nose bulb.

You tear apart a bike in a review and see what makes it worth twice what yours cost, but there is a veil of gullibility paid for by advertisers that will not be lifted despite even the most earnest promise by an editor that independence is his by-word. Somewhat more latitude may be granted accessories.

Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing like a cheery holiday story.

No Puncture Faerie! Thank God! Because despite that we are in the season of goodwill, he was in fact run down on a recent charity ride, caught on helmet cam and uploaded to YouTube, so will live forever even while finally being put down, thank God indeed.
Title: KOM manqué
Post by: sam on December 07, 2017

Hollywood star regrets life decision
After learning that his hometown Ballymena has spawned the UK’s fastest Strava cyclists, ( Liam Neeson is reportedly distraught that his choice of career path has redirected his focus from what might have been.


The actor has been the recipient of many awards, including an Oscar for playing Ben Kingsley’s ( conscience-stricken boss in Schindler’s List, and a Film Critics Society Award for his sensitive portrayal in Love Actually as a father who refrains from beating his little drummer boy despite intense provocation,* but no KOMs.


* An alternate ending in which the child is taken out by airport security was shot and wildly applauded by test audiences, but nervous movie execs demurred. Unfortunately we're left with the director's cut.
Title: In the news
Post by: sam on December 08, 2017

Newly unearthed photo of Juli Briskman ( practicing on an innocent traffic jam.


Belatedly: ( Anonymous no-handed texting cyclist, you’re practically my hero.
Title: In the news
Post by: sam on October 18, 2018
( (