Author Topic: Cycling/Life

sam

Crash
« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2019 »
Yesterday on my ride:



I don’t know the story behind it,



but I know what it’s like to be inside one of these crumpled metal boxes before the leaves have a chance to settle.

Back in my New Jersey life, I was rudely introduced to the windscreen of the Toyota Tercel pictured here in a lineup. Never wrote about it, though I did manage to get a story out of my previous encounter as a crash test dummy, pedestrian division, where I never saw the automobile in question.

Fast forward to Collateral Damage, which broke me in as a first responder. That was in the middle of a bike ride, too.

A few years later I found myself fishing the phone out of another wrecked car, so a woman with her tibia sticking out of her leg could call her boss to tell her she wasn’t going to be in that day.

I keep meaning to take a first aid course.



My wife has lately started volunteering for speedwatch in the village. That's right, she's become a do-gooder! While I still think inattentiveness and leaving enough distance between you and the guy in front are equally if not more to blame for accidents than excessive speed, I can now see firsthand how she is effecting good in the community, which is a beautiful spot mostly ruined, like so many others, by that bloody motor vehicle that most of us need so much but a significant minority don't know how to drive properly.

It’s even come with homework: she tasked herself with commiting her Alpha Bravo Charlies to memory. I quizzed her and she got 26/26, which is about 20 better than I could probably manage. I'm forever reaching for a suitable word on phone conversations to people who need to know my postcode, and pulling all kinds of weirdness out of the air. Triangle Noodle, anyone?

Just because she’s a member of the force, I don’t expect any favours. It is in fact her sworn duty not to let me off the hook if I go over the limit. That's not going to happen anyway, as she has the car.

Yesterday she put 8 notches on her safety vest, so that's 8 letters going out to people who will either be suitably abashed, or crumple the letter until the next one, then the one after that, which will come with a visit from the bizzies.

Re: Cycling Life
« Reply #11 on: October 25, 2019 »
Tango. November.
And surely you know 'Y', being mercan an' all that.
Spoiler
yankee
[close]


(I only know my alphabet from my stint of driving doctors around out of hours.)

sam

Re: Crash
« Reply #12 on: October 25, 2019 »
It’s good there’s an international standard for this sort of thing.


C for clicky

sam

Fall
« Reply #13 on: October 26, 2019 »
Squirrels don’t normally grab my attention, unless one of them furiously remonstrates with our sliding glass doors, as happens on occasion; or hides his stash in my wellies; or comically stars in a social media post. They’re a little too scarily frantic to be comfortable around. The scampy Chompsky is a creaky elder statesman by comparison.

I passed a dead one on the road yesterday, close enough to the edge so that he had so far escaped being flattened under another set of wheels. His innocent posture, curled in on himself, preyed on my mind until I was forced to turn around and give him, if not a proper burial, at least the benefit of a relocation service out of the path of further insult.



RIP little guy.

sam

The Time Lord
« Reply #14 on: October 27, 2019 »
There are clocks everywhere. Society really wants us to know what time it is. Then we get our heads messed with twice a year – more if you count stopped clocks like this St Mary the Virgin, which was about 4 hours off last time I rode past.



Stop all the clocks, people! (Not in a W H Auden way.) Follow whatever natural rhythm comes to you, even if you have to go to a meeting.


In Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Richard Dreyfuss used his mashed potatoes to tell the time.

Fine, I understand if that’s too radical. Do me a favour though and just take off your watch (if you haven't already). Keep it off for a while, and notice how you can kind of tell the time anyway, even if it’s cheating by subconsciously clocking all the clocks in the background as you go about your business every day. Get back to me sometime and let me know how that works for you.

You now realise I have no choice but to post this, don’t you?


Looks like 1970 all right







Thank you, Time Lord. Because of your good works I will be enjoying a nice hot shower this morning, rather than a tepid one because the boiler is still on BST.

sam

Not llamas
« Reply #15 on: November 01, 2019 »


We meet again. Are you ready for your close-up?


Fodder for Twitter? Is that all I am to you?



‘Llalpaca’ sounds like a good compromise.

sam

Priorities
« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2019 »
The story about the man reunited with his £250,000 violin rather buried the lede:

Quote
The violin, which was made by master craftsman David Tecchler in 1709, was left on the London to Orpington train on 22 October when Mr Morris got out at Penge East with his bike.

Where is the picture of him kissing the bike which took first chair in his affections?


sam

1000000
« Reply #17 on: November 07, 2019 »

Russ Mantle has met many challenges on the road, including jealous bystanders who have repeatedly tried to topple him from his bike.


"Drunk before you're thirshty," he advises.


Russ spent many years on the run, easily evading the plod.


Forensic accountants detected possible 'corrections', but gave him the benefit of the doubt.


Installing a new toe clip sent by the pope, one of many celebrity well-wishers.


Asked how much he thinks he should be paid for his accomplishment, he chooses a nice round number.

sam

The Crowborough Fairies
« Reply #18 on: November 08, 2019 »
Incontrovertible proof which puts the Cottingley Fairies to shame:


Sir Arthur would be thrilled

sam

The sound of silence
« Reply #19 on: November 12, 2019 »
Brain: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Me: Yes, sir.
Brain: Are you listening?
Me: Yes, I am.
Brain: Zip tie.
Me: That’s two words.
Brain: Whatever. It should stop the mudguard on the Litespeed from rattling where the mount, well, unmounted. Easiest fix in the world. Think about it. Will you think about it?
Me: That’s your job.
Brain: Then just do it.



Me: It worked! The bike is quiet again! Why didn't I think of that?
Brain: Beats me... You couldn’t clean that up for the picture?
Me: Bothering your anterior insula, is it?
Brain: My what?
Me: According to Scientific American in The Neuroscience of Beauty, that's the specific part of you which is involved in aesthetic appraisal.
Brain: Beauty might be pushing it. You realise we're talking about a zip tie, right? By the way, some people call those cable ties. They might be thinking 'WTF is a zip tie?'
Me: Then we've just expanded those people's vocabulary, haven't we.
Brain: About this anterior insula. Surely it's more complicated than that.
Me: It is, and don't call me Shirley.



Brain: You know I saw that coming a mile off.
Me: Read the article and see for yourself. Then head over to the page on neuroesthetics and consider Ramachandran's eight laws of artistic experience.
Brain: I'll be sure to put that on my to do list.
Me: Is your dance card really that full?
Brain: Which part of me decides when to wrap this up?