Author Topic: Election Time

Election Time
« on: December 09, 2019 »

I'm Emma Barnett, and this is a special edition of Question Time for young people. We as a nation are fucked, but they are especially fucked. Our panel:

Robert Jenrick, secretary of smugness, Conservative; Angela 'Educating' Rayner, shadow secretary of utopia;

Jo Swinson, leader of the Untrustables; Nigel Farage, leader and founder of the Untouchables;

Humza Yousaf, Braveheart; Adam Price, stuck inside of Cardiff with the Carmarthen blues again;

and Jonathan Bartley of the Greens, who I think we can all agree looks like the mature Matt LeBlanc if he turns his head the right way.

Our audience has been selected from a pool of those who can't find a date and have nothing better to do tonight.

"My question is, what's the point of voting?"

I believe you have a question, young miss?

"Do Scottish blokes wear anything under their kilts?"

I'm afraid we only have time for one more before I return to the darkness from whence I came.

"How would you solve the housing crisis? Will I ever be able to afford one, or will I have to raise my family in a large shoe?"

Don't everybody speak at once.

I beg of you all, let's please end this on a high note.

I ❤ voting
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2019 »
Decisions, decisions:

I call this one "On the run from democracy". It's a highly illicit photo I took after casting my ballot. The lesson is, shoot first, ask questions later.

Civic duty accomplished, I stopped by the village shop and wondered if it might be possible to vote again.

Hey, they were on the ballot!

The old "Vote for us or I’ll kill this dog” gambit

Would "Vote for us or you'll be up against the wall" work its magic, instead?

Or would Jo Swinson, shown here swiping through Pinterest for ideas to redecorate No. 10, pull off the upset of the century?

Pre-coverage coverage. To save licence fee payer's money, news readers are powered down when not in use

And they're off! A nation gallops to the polls and orders a whiskey

Votes are counted along with a representative sampling of rubbish, for technical reasons

The entire process is carefully monitored and adjusted to account for tactical voting

More ballots for Conservatives are rushed in when needed

Jeremy Corbyn has a premonition of the will of the people

Boris flies in from a secret location having just recieved reassurances from Darth Vader that the empire will not be handed over to Labour, no matter what the results

Sometimes you're the deer, sometimes you're the headlights

Theresa May is accidentally allowed on camera

Labour Instagram influencers are trotted out

In a perplexing development, processing of ballots is outsourced to gilets jaunes

There is more excited running back and forth

They thought they were electing the pope – nobody had the heart to tell them otherwise

Nicola Sturgeon, as always, is thinking of England

In a last minute appeal to swing voters, Jo movingly describes the crisis of conscience which repeatedly causes her to adjust her principles

Nigel Farage says he swallowed his ballot paper

Count Binface, actually a terminator sent from the future to stop the Conservatives, is thwarted when Elmo throws himself in front of Boris

Dominic Cummings spotted leaving the scene of Elmo's 'accident' afterwards. There are rumours he was tying up loose ends

Now decisively chosen by the nation to be its leader, the prime minister announces his relief that the little dog didn't have to be killed after all

Protesting the mute button

Dominic Grieve is calmly accepting of his electoral fate and smoothly changes career to hitman-for-hire

Nicola shows off her new phone screen, now set to Happy Dance

Corbyn claims the Force is still with Labour, vowing "We shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine"

Mind where you point that thing

Never grow up
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2021 »

This post is causing me nothing but grief. I want to write about politics without immediately diving into parody, but every time I set the words down they refuse to lay quietly.

Like so many, I’m politically homeless. This much was established in my Brexit confessional. My earliest political influence, not counting the guff they stuffed into my head in school and on TV, was Howard Zinn. He was followed by Gore Vidal, Noam Chompsky (admittedly more skimmed than read), and various others of that illustrious ilk. I've been happy to consider myself a creature of the left for most of my life.

Newsflash: good ideas can come from any direction, including The American Conservative and normally hard hearted libertarians.

My voting record:
1992 - Bill Clinton, alas
1996 - Nobody; was between countries
2000 - Ralph Nader, no alas about it
2003 - As a newly minted UK citizen, I voted Green and/or Lib Dem from time to time
2004 - Kerry, who as a bonus wasn't Bush
2008 - Obama and very happy to. Was in Austin that night feeling high as a kite. Part of me of course knew he wasn't the 2nd coming, but the fact that this was actually happening was enough.
2012 - Nobody, because incredibly disappointed with Obama
2016 - Nobody, but secretly wanted Trump to win because I was so hacked off with everything, making me a secret deplorable
2019 - Conservative. I might've voted Labour if Corbyn showed the backbone he obviously possesses, and hadn't gone mad with the promises.
2020 - Nobody, or at least nobody electable, into the foreseeable future. Has divide and conquer won? Am I just done? Republicans are largely too far gone, Dems are warmongers and deceptively tolerant. How can I endorse either?

2019 would have been inconceivable to a slightly younger me, despite the fact that the only time we've ever been personally helped by a politician it was a Conservative, who chased up our applications for citizenship with the Home Office.

Basically I believe in the power of the State to do good, but think that too often it does the opposite, which brings me uncomfortably close to Reagan... The current situation with UK housing is an example. We need a land value tax and a mass deprogramming. Who’s going to help bring that about, hmmm?

O holy house price inflation

Maybe the Greens, but along with the Lib Dems they now embrace the irrational a bit too tightly for comfort.

Sir Keir Starmer reliably annoys. No self-respecting Labour politician should go around with a Sir in front of his name, for a start. Third Way Wrong Way Blair almost destroyed the brand (and unfortunately has been resurrected in the cadence and intonation of dishi Rishi). I don't pay enough attention to Starmer as I probably should. It took my wife pointing out his response to the budget to make me sit up and say hmmm. Maybe. We'll see.

Meanwhile I'm going to revert to my default position: politicians and voters are but a means to an end to each other.