Author Topic: Election Time

Election Time
« on: December 09, 2019 »

I'm Emma Barnett, and this is a special edition of Question Time for young people. We as a nation are fucked, but they are especially fucked. Our panel:

Robert Jenrick, secretary of smugness, Conservative; Angela 'Educating' Rayner, shadow secretary of utopia;

Jo Swinson, leader of the Untrustables; Nigel Farage, leader and founder of the Untouchables;

Humza Yousaf, Braveheart; Adam Price, stuck inside of Cardiff with the Carmarthen blues again;

and Jonathan Bartley of the Greens, who I think we can all agree looks like the mature Matt LeBlanc if he turns his head the right way.

Our audience has been selected from a pool of those who can't find a date and have nothing better to do tonight.

"My question is, what's the point of voting?"

I believe you have a question, young miss?

"Do Scottish blokes wear anything under their kilts?"

I'm afraid we only have time for one more before I return to the darkness from whence I came.

"How would you solve the housing crisis? Will I ever be able to afford one, or will I have to raise my family in a large shoe?"

Don't everybody speak at once.

I beg of you all, let's please end this on a high note.

I ❤ voting
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2019 »
Decisions, decisions:

I call this one "On the run from democracy". It's a highly illicit photo I took after casting my ballot. The lesson is, shoot first, ask questions later.

Civic duty accomplished, I stopped by the village shop and wondered if it might be possible to vote again.

Hey, they were on the ballot!

The old "Vote for us or I’ll kill this dog” gambit

Would "Vote for us or you'll be up against the wall" work its magic, instead?

Or would Jo Swinson, shown here swiping through Pinterest for ideas to redecorate No. 10, pull off the upset of the century?

Pre-coverage coverage. To save licence fee payer's money, news readers are powered down when not in use

And they're off! A nation gallops to the polls and orders a whiskey

Votes are counted along with a representative sampling of rubbish, for technical reasons

The entire process is carefully monitored and adjusted to account for tactical voting

More ballots for Conservatives are rushed in when needed

Jeremy Corbyn has a premonition of the will of the people

Boris flies in from a secret location having just recieved reassurances from Darth Vader that the empire will not be handed over to Labour, no matter what the results

Sometimes you're the deer, sometimes you're the headlights

Theresa May is accidentally allowed on camera

Labour Instagram influencers are trotted out

In a perplexing development, processing of ballots is outsourced to gilets jaunes

There is more excited running back and forth

They thought they were electing the pope – nobody had the heart to tell them otherwise

Nicola Sturgeon, as always, is thinking of England

In a last minute appeal to swing voters, Jo movingly describes the crisis of conscience which repeatedly causes her to adjust her principles

Nigel Farage says he swallowed his ballot paper

Count Binface, actually a terminator sent from the future to stop the Conservatives, is thwarted when Elmo throws himself in front of Boris

Dominic Cummings spotted leaving the scene of Elmo's 'accident' afterwards. There are rumours he was tying up loose ends

Now decisively chosen by the nation to be its leader, the prime minister announces his relief that the little dog didn't have to be killed after all

Protesting the mute button

Dominic Grieve is calmly accepting of his electoral fate and smoothly changes career to hitman-for-hire

Nicola shows off her new phone screen, now set to Happy Dance

Corbyn claims the Force is still with Labour, vowing "We shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine"

Mind where you point that thing