Author Topic: Election Time

Election Time
« on: December 09, 2019 »

I'm Emma Barnett, and this is a special edition of Question Time for young people. We as a nation are fucked, but they are especially fucked. Our panel:


Robert Jenrick, secretary of smugness, Conservative; Angela 'Educating' Rayner, shadow secretary of utopia;


Jo Swinson, leader of the Untrustables; Nigel Farage, leader and founder of the Untouchables;


Humza Yousaf, Braveheart; Adam Price, stuck inside of Cardiff with the Carmarthen blues again;


and Jonathan Bartley of the Greens, who I think we can all agree looks like the mature Matt LeBlanc if he turns his head the right way.


Our audience has been selected from a pool of those who can't find a date and have nothing better to do tonight.


"My question is, what's the point of voting?"




I believe you have a question, young miss?


"Do Scottish blokes wear anything under their kilts?"




I'm afraid we only have time for one more before I return to the darkness from whence I came.


"How would you solve the housing crisis? Will I ever be able to afford one, or will I have to raise my family in a large shoe?"


Don't everybody speak at once.






I beg of you all, let's please end this on a high note.



I ❤ voting
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2019 »
Decisions, decisions:



I call this one "On the run from democracy". It's a highly illicit photo I took after casting my ballot. The lesson is, shoot first, ask questions later.



Civic duty accomplished, I stopped by the village shop and wondered if it might be possible to vote again.


Hey, they were on the ballot!






The old "Vote for us or I’ll kill this dog” gambit


Would "Vote for us or you'll be up against the wall" work its magic, instead?


Or would Jo Swinson, shown here swiping through Pinterest for ideas to redecorate No. 10, pull off the upset of the century?


Pre-coverage coverage. To save licence fee payer's money, news readers are powered down when not in use


And they're off! A nation gallops to the polls and orders a whiskey


Votes are counted along with a representative sampling of rubbish, for technical reasons


The entire process is carefully monitored and adjusted to account for tactical voting


More ballots for Conservatives are rushed in when needed


Jeremy Corbyn has a premonition of the will of the people


Boris flies in from a secret location having just recieved reassurances from Darth Vader that the empire will not be handed over to Labour, no matter what the results


Sometimes you're the deer, sometimes you're the headlights


Theresa May is accidentally allowed on camera


Labour Instagram influencers are trotted out


In a perplexing development, processing of ballots is outsourced to gilets jaunes


There is more excited running back and forth


They thought they were electing the pope – nobody had the heart to tell them otherwise


Nicola Sturgeon, as always, is thinking of England


In a last minute appeal to swing voters, Jo movingly describes the crisis of conscience which repeatedly causes her to adjust her principles


Nigel Farage says he swallowed his ballot paper


Count Binface, actually a terminator sent from the future to stop the Conservatives, is thwarted when Elmo throws himself in front of Boris


Dominic Cummings spotted leaving the scene of Elmo's 'accident' afterwards. There are rumours he was tying up loose ends


Now decisively chosen by the nation to be its leader, the prime minister announces his relief that the little dog didn't have to be killed after all


Protesting the mute button


Dominic Grieve is calmly accepting of his electoral fate and smoothly changes career to hitman-for-hire


Nicola shows off her new phone screen, now set to Happy Dance


Corbyn claims the Force is still with Labour, vowing "We shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine"


Mind where you point that thing