May you live in interesting times

[sam]

It's been a while since I've written horoscopes. It's going to be a longer while. Here are some old ones.


Full Speed Ahead


I Will Survive


Your Future Now


Written in the Stars


blame Pacsman, he started it

[sam]

Made deadline. I can only hope the general public take heed.

The only extra information imparted by the stars which is relevant to cyclists is to strip all manufacturer information from your bike to prepare for the meteor strike which will render life on earth precarious though not impossible. When this alarming celestial event is announced on Twitter, looting will be rampant. Premo brands will naturally be first on the list of those no longer concerned with quaint concepts like property rights. It matters not that on that day of reckoning most everything of value will be twisted smoldering wreckage. It matters not that we naked apes will be reduced to the primitive needs of survival. It only matters that if you and yours make it through to rise Phoenix-like from the ashes, you haven't had your bike nicked first.

[sam]

Capricorn
Forget Capricorn. Forget all the star signs. We're tearing up the rule book and starting over. These are in no particular order, unless you're first. For the last shall never be first.

Born at the right time
Make a time capsule NOW. Guaranteed, down the line you'll be bitching about how small the eggs and toilet rolls have gotten, how much more quickly clothes fall apart, how everything you bought in the past seems to have been made by mythical beings who knew how to make things. Better make that a big capsule. Oh, and 1kg will be deprecated to 750g.

Born in the USA
Not a good year to be an American newborn. Sure, you may have made it into the world thanks to the Supreme Court's invasion of women's bodies, but that's a big hill to get over.

Born to be alive
Join the rest of us non-cadavers. Stop watching zombie movies! Your time will come.

Don't know they're born
Each generation stomps the previous one down. Break out of the mould and venerate them, like the Chinese. You don't technically have to worship them, but it's been known to pay dividends.

The Unborn
Sorry, even though your picture may be on the fridge, you don't quite count yet. You may hear fights on the outside, or you may hear classical music; either can scar you. With all that angst, it's no wonder you'll come out bawling.

Born again
Didn't get it right the first time?

Jason Bourne
There's only one, and you're not him. Count your blessings; sure, you'd have an impressive skillset, but do you really want to have been part of a top secret government experiment, tortured by memories? Make better memories.

Born too late
To buy a house at a reasonable price. To have enjoyed a CCTV-free existence. To have lived before phones ate our brains. My best – the only – advice is to suck it up.

Born and bred
One of life's thoroughbreds, eh? Good for you. You'll have a few good years then get put down, if you're lucky.

Natural born leader
Just make sure you're leading 'em to a good place.

Born out of wedlock
Lucky bastards.

Born of necessity
So your mother was invention. This is actually one of the best starts you can get in life. Don't fuck it up.