Author Topic: Annual meeting

Clava Scriba

  • .
  • Club Secretary
Off the record
« Reply #20 on: June 22, 1995 »
Star chamber present and accounted for? Just say "yes" for the record. Though we're off the record.

Blaise Pascal, Jean-Paul Sartre, Dorothy Parker, Mary Whitehouse, Seven of Nine, and G.K Chesterton: Yes.

Thank you for coming. I hope that going back to the 90s hasn't been triggering for anyone. You've all signed the waiver for continuity errors. Any questions?

Dorothy Parker: Why the 90s?

I'm feeling nostalgic, and that was a sweet spot for me. Bring in the accused.

[Seven of Nine leaves then comes back with The Man With No Name and his lawyer, Clarence Darrow.]

Man With No Name, you stand accused of [checks notes] trying my patience. How do you plead?

Clarence Darrow: My client has nothing to say.

That was the problem, wasn't it. Your client had nothing to contribute.

Clarence Darrow: It's no crime. And my client doesn't know why it should be an issue.

Posting is the minimum requirement for ascertaining you have a pulse. Most present company excluded.

Blaise Pascal: On the contrary, Mary is getting something thrumming. I do enjoy a challenge.

Mary Whitehouse: I doubt you could handle me, old man.

[Chesterton raises an eyebrow]

Clarence, I seem to recall you yourself got the boot back in Reply #15. Isn't that right, Seven?

Seven of Nine: That is correct. Would you like me to apply "the boot" again?

No, I'm feeling generous. Just not towards his client, who also ignored a simple query from yours truly. Verdict: guilty.

Dorothy Parker: Don't we get a vote?

Sure, as long as you agree with me.

Everyone: Guilty!

[The Man With No Name drops through a trapdoor into the outside world. Clarence, who hasn't been paid, jumps after him.]

G.K. Chesterton: Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

[Humouring Chesterton, who spits these things out from time to time apropos nothing] I'll have maintenance look into it.

Jean-Paul Sartre: Can we leave now? [He makes eyes at Mary, who grabs the doorknob. It comes off in her hand. Pascal grows tumescent.]

Bloody hell. Seven, you've proven to be something of a jack-of-all-trades. Can you fix that?

[Seven of Nine kicks the door down]

Sounds like the 90s out there too.

G.K. Chesterton: The purpose of Compulsory Education is to deprive the common people of their commonsense.

Blaise Pascal: The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.

Dorothy Parker: That's me pulled.

[Chesterton looks startled. Parker grabs Pascal to make herself clear. Beelines are made to the guest bedrooms.]

Seven, have you been doping the climate control with pheromones again?

Seven of Nine: You're the one who told me I needed a hobby.

Clava Scriba

  • .
  • Club Secretary
Annual meeting
« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2025 »
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. I see our cloud storage is almost full. Is that cause for concern?

Seven of Nine: Sir no sir.

Thank goodness I have you to know these things for me.

Seven of Nine: Sir yes sir.

Feeling impish again, Seven?

Seven of Nine: It passes the time.

I belatedly note for the record that Clava Scriba has taken to posting these minutes. Well done for being unobtrusive.

Clava Scriba: [Silent]

Cat got your tongue?

Clava Scriba: [Remains silent]

[Turns to Seven of Nine with questioning look]

Seven of Nine: The Club Secretary has taken a vow of silence. Cutting off his tongue helped.

You're joking.

Seven of Nine: Nein.

Did we do that?

Tammy Wynette, from HR: Only in the sense that it was covered by his generous private club insurance.

Clava Scriba: I ha oo ay a eeuibu.

Tammy Wynette: He said "I had to pay a deductible."

So much for vows. Moving right along [checks watch], wait a minute, I see the clocks have gone forward again. Does anyone know who won the election?

Eva Perón: You don't want to know.

Very well. You're just the person I wanted to see, Eva. How's the oppo research going?

Eva Perón: You mean the dossier on Fozy Tornip?

I mean what I mean. But yes, the dossier.

Eva Perón: They're a member of CC/NACA, and as you discovered, also at another cycling forum whose name has been redacted, where you recently found them.

He or she, Eva. Flip a coin if you must.

Eva Perón: [Flips coin, which lands on its edge]

Try again.

Eva Perón: [Coin lands on edge again]

What are the odds. Let's go with 'she', shall we?

Eva Perón: I'll hand over to Angela, from research.

Angela Carter: Our psychological profile indicates a saucy, high functioning coeliac who enjoys skinny-dipping in the reproduction Trevi Fountain she had installed on her country pile, which also houses an underground cannabis farm and distribution centre. She doesn't like TV, doesn't suffer fools, has a pet hyena, and a thing for Benicio del Toro.

Wow, you guys are amazing.

Angela Carter: Looking at her avatars helped.

Borne aloft on a warm current of 'likes'

[actually a previous avatar - this is what our research department is for]

Angela Carter, cont'd: The rest is made up, but it's a good story, which is what you pay us for.

I guess I know at least one thing in your Netflix history.

Angela Carter: Coincidence.

Does your profile indicate why this person would ignore my request for an interview? Not just anybody gets asked 20 questions.

Angela Carter: No it does not. But I can hazard a guess.
Whispers in my ear
I don't do likes. There can be no other earthly reason.

Also - thanks a lot for changing your NACA avatar, fozy.
Yes, that must be it.

We try; we fail; we try again; we fail again. What more can one ask out of life.

Have there been any nibbles in the membership dept. as a result of our recruitment video, Tammy?

Tammy Wynette:

That looks like a feeding frenzy.

Tammy Wynette:

I see.

Tammy Wynette: You could say it's the future.

Yes, but one can only hear so many anecdotes about the Tannhäuser Gate... Let's stick with old fashioned carbon-based lifeforms.

[Launches into pitch] NACF is exclusively for people of taste and discernment – attributes in short supply in the cycling forum milieu. We want members able to think outside The Guardian, which is a walled garden of––

Seven of Nein: You've misspelt 'milieu', sir.

Since corrected. Let the record be expunged.

Clava Scriba: a ace.

Tammy Whynot: He said "Fat Chance."

Benicio would come in handy right around now.

Where was I?

Angela Cartier: You were mentioning how The Guardian sang my praises.

Was I? Great stuff.

Tammy Wynette: You were also expressing relief that we haven't been inundated with new members.

Full up, are we?

Tammy Wynette: Please don't.

Don't what?

Tammy Wynette: Don't mention A Man in Full.

But I've got a screenshot which will otherwise go to waste. Put it up where everyone can see it, Clava.

ɒ afe or ur
"Not safe for work"

I tried to warn you

Seven of Nine: The Borg had advanced hydraulics capabilities.

Taste and discernment, people. And a sense of humour.

Gary Cooper: And a certain horse-like quality?

We don't check, but it's no bar.

Gary Cooper: I got checked.

Tammy Wynette: That was a rogue intern.

Gary Cooper: [Reverts to strong silent type]

Do we have time for a MUST HEAR Deadwood story?

Seven of Nine: I see what you did there, but only because I also watched A Man in Full.

Have you seen C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate, Seven?

Seven of Nine: Can't say I've had the pleasure. It's a well-known pickup line.

How about the Northern Lights?

Seven of Nine: You mean the great light show of '24?

Yes those ones.

Seven of Nine: I was regenerating at the time.

Still using the EV charging station down in the garage?

Seven of Nine: I wouldn't mind so much if Gary didn't keep backing his Prius into me.

That's not a euphemism, is it?

Gary Cooper [once again moved to speak]: It's true I drive a Prius.

Nikola Tesla: I've got a Tesla, myself.

Nikola! Didn't see you there.

Nikola Tesla: I was washing my hands.

We installed the sensor taps just for you.

Seven of Nine: New sensor taps, but I'm still down in the garage?

Nikola Tesla: The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

We'll pencil it into last year's budget. Until we meet again,

Clava Scriba

  • .
  • Club Secretary
NACF the obscure
« Reply #22 on: June 22, 2024 »
Today's annual meeting has been cancelled due to high winds. Everyone is on the roof flying kites.

Thomas Hardy: That's why I'm here.

Would you like a kite?

Thomas Hardy: No thanks.

As long as you're here, what do you think of People Like Us?

Thomas Hardy: A Trump voter isn't like me.

Starmer voters welcome too – this is a genuinely inclusive space.

Thomas Hardy: Is Sir Keir also a pussy grabber?

He's a cervix flip-flopper.

Thomas Hardy: Who'd want to be a woman these days?

It's something of a revolving door.

Thomas Hardy: Psych consult, stat.

As it happens, the producers of my little question time did invite someone who goes by 'They/them/she/her'.

Thomas Hardy: Four's a crowd.

Not to be menphobic, but I want some non-men.

Thomas Hardy: You can't always get what you want. It's madding.

You mean maddening.

Thomas Hardy: Yeah, that.


Make up your mind
« Reply #23 on: July 04, 2024 »
Sigmund Freud: It's been a while.

Still in the supply room, I see. So that's where all the vitamin D has gone.

SF: I did requisition a window. How can I help you today?

You know you can't absorb it through glass.

SF: Why don't you make yourself comfortable on the couch and we can talk about it.

No time. I think I'm being followed.

SF: What makes you say that?


SF: [Opens door, looks both ways down hallway] They'd better not be here for my vitamin D.

[We hurriedly move the couch in front of the door, then sit down on it together]

Could it be a January 6 -type insurrection?

SF: I didn't actually see anybody out there. [Nervously pops some D]

[Knock on door]

Both of us: Who is it?!?

Seven of Nine [muffled]: All clear. It was just the Borg. They've gone back to the Collective.

[We move the couch back]

SF: Anything else on your mind?

I can't decide.

SF: Is this a general indecision, or can you be more specific?

I'll get back to you on that.