Author Topic: In the news


In the news
« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2015 »
Boris Bites Back
Calls intensified by vigilante groups for London Mayor Boris Johnson to be spanked for riding with his wife on a bike which wasn't a tandem. "He's breakin the law innit," said one before lapsing into the Queen's English: "Public officials must be held to a higher standard. Politicians should be good role models. Think of the children."

The naughty moptop was also taken to task by a charity group for the patronising tone he took with passersby for merely suggesting he have a cuddle with his wife. "'Night night?' WTF was that?" tweeted Relate.

CTC spokesperson Crikey Crossman was quoted saying something exquisitely boring.

"You can all go fuck yourselves," said Johnson in a prepared statement which was later clarified by his press officer: "Mr Johnson wishes to apologise. He only intended for some of the press to go fuck themselves. The rest he wishes to die."

A demo is planned in Trafalgar Square, with a permit already granted for playful water cannons.


In the news
« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2015 »
Judge: 'Twats must pay twits for tweets'
In a ruling already raising controversy in the press corps but hailed as "Justice" by citizen-journalists, High Court Judge Sir Hermès Daisy-Chain Frozenpeas has ruled that The Dail Mail must pay "the going rate" to those whose tweets are used in the course of filling space. "Some stories appear to be largely composed of 'twitches' [sic], said Daisy-Chain Frozenpeas in his ruling, pointedly referring to the recent Mail Online article 'Motorists vent their fury as Ride London cycling event causes travel chaos across the capital'.

The National Union of Journalists condemned the ruling, adducing that the judge didn't even know the correct terminology. "First of all, they are called 'tweets', not 'twitches', thundered NUJ spokesperson Nutella über-Jones in an open letter published in The Times this morning aimed at the entire judiciary system. "This lack of correct wordage speaks to how out of touch judges are. Second, to label journalists 'twats' is highly offensive to those of us who aren't. We demand a blanket apology."

Frozenpeas: out of touch?

A clerk for Frozenpeas speaking off the record admitted that the Justice was overly fond of alliteration, noting previous rulings, 'Biased BBC Bollocks'  and 'Commerce Clause Cunts'. The clerk also claimed that Frozenpeas was unaware of the popular meaning of 'twat', citing Robert Browning's use of it in Pippa Passes in 1841: 'Then, owls and bats, cowls and twats,/Monks and nuns, in a cloister's moods,/Adjourn to the oak-stump pantry!' The clerk promised to annotate the chambers copy of Browning forthwith to avoid future embarrassment.

Reaction was swift across the rejoicing Twittersphere:

additional reporting by @jollygoodthen


In the news
« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2015 »
Rubik's Record Reductio Ad Absurdum
The world's smallest Rubik's Cube has been solved by a man riding the world's smallest bicycle.

The man, who is normal-sized, prefers to remain anonymous as he is wanted for questioning in connection with the infamous Hyde Park cuber, to whom he provided a small amount of technical support.

Special Rubik's cube news update September 2016:
What is a crime in some countries is celebrated in others.


Is There a Puncture Faerie?
« Reply #13 on: December 24, 2016 »

We take pleasure in answering the communication below:

Dear Editor–
I am 18 years old. Some of my Facebook Friends say there is no Puncture Faerie. Papa says, “If you see it in The Leek, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Puncture Faerie?
Virginia O’Handkerchief

Virginia, you Friends are wrong as rain. They have been affected by the skepticism of a fake news filled age. They do not believe except they see much-shared links. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their confirmation bias. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, nay a gnat in an ant’s eye, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole truth and knowledge as it is written in Wikipedia.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Puncture Faerie. He exists as certainly as flints and thorns and nails exist, and you know they abound on the roads and give to your experience its spice of suffering. Alas! how dreary would be the ride if there were no Puncture Faeries (not!). It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith in puncture-resistant technologies, no swapping of war stories online to make tolerable this existence in RL.

We should have no enjoyment, except in sense. The external light which nonsense fills the world would be extinguished. Dull technical specs would prevail in all the literature.

Not believe in the Puncture Faerie! You might as well not believe in Santa Claus. You might get your papa to hire men to line the roads to catch the Faerie, but even if you did not see him darting out into the road, what would that prove? Nobody sees the Faerie, but that is no sign that there is no Faerie. The first rule of bike clubs is don’t mention the Faerie. The most real things in the world are those that neither grumpy mechanics nor keyboard warriors can see. Did you ever see Santa dancing in the front garden? You have? That’s because your neighbour was trying to outdo his neighbour, who offered Rudolph with a 1000 watt nose bulb.

You tear apart a bike in a review and see what makes it worth twice what yours cost, but there is a veil of gullibility paid for by advertisers that will not be lifted despite even the most earnest promise by an editor that independence is his by-word. Somewhat more latitude may be granted accessories.

Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing like a cheery holiday story.

No Puncture Faerie! Thank God! Because despite that we are in the season of goodwill, he was in fact run down on a recent charity ride, caught on helmet cam and uploaded to YouTube, so will live forever even while finally being put down, thank God indeed.


KOM manqué
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2017 »

Hollywood star regrets life decision
After learning that his hometown Ballymena has spawned the UK’s fastest Strava cyclists, Liam Neeson is reportedly distraught that his choice of career path has redirected his focus from what might have been.

The actor has been the recipient of many awards, including an Oscar for playing Ben Kingsley’s conscience-stricken boss in Schindler’s List, and a Film Critics Society Award for his sensitive portrayal in Love Actually as a father who refrains from beating his little drummer boy despite intense provocation,* but no KOMs.

* An alternate ending in which the child is taken out by airport security was shot and wildly applauded by test audiences, but nervous movie execs demurred. Unfortunately we're left with the director's cut.


In the news
« Reply #15 on: December 08, 2017 »

Newly unearthed photo of Juli Briskman practicing on an innocent traffic jam.

Belatedly: Anonymous no-handed texting cyclist, you’re practically my hero.


In the news
« Reply #16 on: October 18, 2018 »