Author Topic: There's no business like parliamentary business


The House of Lords inaction

Your papers please

I only caught part of the debate before falling into a catatonic state. Thank goodness it was recorded.

What is the government going to do to tell the cyclists to obey the red signs?

May I suggest to the honourable lady that we employ Daleks to police and exterminate them when necessary.

I don't care for these newfangled Doctor Whos––

Point of order, we were discussing the red signs. But out of deference to my noble friend's great age and wisdom, I yield the floor.

––And they have ear things.

Ear things?

Yes. My understanding is they're filled with music. Then there's that horrible Boris bike man, always talking on the phone with his hairdresser.

My hairdresser despairs over helmet hair. Takes him ages to make me presentable again. But as I'm in the public eye, it's important.

I'll tell the honourable gentleman what's important. Scofflaws need to be carrying ID because they habitually lie. I know it in my bones.

Did somebody mention phones? We need the Daleks to zap those out of their hands.

I'm a Tom Baker man. It's just a shame he got his scarf caught in his spokes and strangled himself.

My noble friend may be confusing the fourth incarnation of Doctor Who, still very much alive, with Isadora Duncan. We were lovers.

Cycling is so unsafe.

Think of the children, their heads are like eggshells. Shouldn't they all be wearing helmets? Or at least some sort of packing material.

My Lords, we've moved on from helmets. And the government is looking into which Doctor Who was the best. Now, if there are no other

They do it so much better across the pond...

Congressional Record

I would like to be the first to attach a rider to any bills we pass, for the immediate procurement of more military stuff.

Seconded. Now about this cycling menace. My constituents are very concerned that some of their neighbors aren't driving everywhere, but sometimes ride bikes instead. What can be done about this?

How about an official national "Hate a cyclist day"?

But that's just one day a year. What kind of signal would that send?

I agree with my distinguished colleague, it's not enough. We need to grind cyclists into tiny nubs. I would suggest we start grinding them down with extra taxes. Everybody hates taxes – almost as much as they hate cyclists.

Seriously, I don't think they appreciate the pain they cause motorists. Bob here was just telling me about the time one of the bicycle people ran into his door as he was attempting to open it. He'd just had his car valeted! To make matters worse, the cyclist then yelled at him.

My distinguished colleague tells a sad tale. Why can't we all just get along?? You don't need a bicycle for that.

I've had it up to here with them. Every time I see one I ask my chauffeur, "Why?"

They take up too much space on the road. They trespass on our inalienable pursuit of happiness. Can't we ban them?

I think of them as mobile assault weapons, which is the only thing that gives me pause. But I'm in broad agreement that something needs to be done.

In my state we have started tagging them and putting them into a database.

Why didn't we think of that?

I hate to be the one to suggest this, but perhaps camps might be the way to go.

We're agreed then? The bicycle people to be tagged nationwide for eventual processing into readjustment camps, which their additional taxes will pay for?

Does spinning count? My daughter spins. We can't have this go too far.

I think we can all agree that anything that keeps them off the roads is a good thing.

Later, when the bill goes before the president to sign it into law...

Politics is the art of the possible.

Politics is the art of the reduction of the possible.