casual wearA little while ago I violated Club protocol by advertising for volunteers to join me on jaunts around the local area, taking care not to inform them of their possible
medicinal qualities. The result was underwhelming: 1 interested party. There was enough information about him online that I quickly judged him someone I'd rather avoid, instead of go out of my way to meet up with. His crime? Using London house sale money to help further inflate the market in these parts.

We've got quite enough greedheads as it is without importing enablers.
Until the background check it hadn't even occurred to me that I have a litmus test. It might be wise to make a list, to avoid future awkwardness. This isn't in any particular order, unless you count numerical:
1. No fixies. The non-freewheeling drivetrain attracts far too many deplorables. I've only seen one since moving down here, though people say they're going down to London, so I'm no longer sure which way is up, compass-wise, assuming north is still north. I don't think he was deplorable, but can't take that chance.
2. No fancy carbon-fibre bikes. Horses for courses sure, but does that mean the horse has to be ugly? If you can't shoot it, at least keep it out of my line of sight. I will adjudicate what's fancy and/or ugly in a fair and responsible way.
3. Absolutely no disc brakes. I'm sorry, they make me nervous. I've heard they can slice a man in two.

4. Must dress conservatively. That means no distracting logos (decided on a case by case basis) or excessively aerodynamic sunglasses.
5. Any occupation is fine, except estate agent.

This should really go without saying.
6. If we stop long enough for lunch, no pictures of your food, especially sausages, to share on social media. Unless they're really good pictures, which is exceedingly unlikely, sorry.
7. Don't yell "on your left!" or "on your right!" I don't know what these things mean in the heat of the moment.
8. There will be a political questionnaire. I don't care what your politics are,
I just like asking questions. Note however if they turn out to be odious, there will be consequences.
9. Be willing to post about rides on this site. Listen, I know it seems pointless spending potentially valuable time composing interesting and witty stories that probably nobody except me is going to read. What am I, chopped liver? At least crosspost, with a timestamp in our favour.
10. Must have a sense of humour verifiable outside peer group. This is sufficiently far down the list it shouldn't be confused with an ad on Plenty of Fish. Still, life is too short to be waiting for a candidate to completely change his or her personality.
11. Obligatory Spinal Tap reference (
here's another for good measure). As anybody woke will tell you,
not funny. Those things hurt.

It strikes me that if I adhere faithfully to the principles laid out above, I’m destined to continue my solo career.
Dear Reader
We interrupt this thread about solo cycling to bring you a message about solo posting.
Here's a blast from the past to set the mood. I’ll wait.
Is that clock actually ticking?
Now a screenshot from the admin section of this site:

1.
Been there, done that.
2. A state of equilibrium has been reached.
3. Redefining site stickiness.
4. These numbers are a little wonky, unless the stats facility is rounding down.
5. This is me.
6.
This is he.7. aka 1-2-3
8. Also been there done that. I don't recommend it.
This isn’t a mean and sheam exercise, and not just because we have no prawneds (belated anagram alert). It's an illustration of the reality I face every time I decide to post here.
As an inveterate forum talent scout, it used to frustrate me that I couldn’t scoop people up and deposit them into clearly classier digs; and that those who had crossed
the road seemed inexplicably to be unwilling to settle in. But there’s nothing baffling about choosing to spend your time where you can rub shoulders with fewer crickets: with actual friends, even.
What can happen when you google crustacean rather than frustrationI use social media primarily to help me indulge my passion for playing with words and pictures. One example is
Please stay, where the observant will note that care has been taken to establish a visual theme

even as this post continues
another; call it blog cross pollination.
Dancing with oneself
Despite that
the song is about what it says on the tin, one accepts the culturally applied meaning.

I’m no friend to amoral
data hungry beasts whose only interest in me is my resale value. ‘
Instagram influencer’ of any rank will never be on my CV. I don't even Strava. My credentials as an anomalous social media specimen are rounded out by distaste for the cheap baubles of smileys and
likes, as well as an (antisocial?) aversion to happy
memes (unless it's
one of mine).
This grouch isn't entirely a figment of my imagination. You get the picture.
Medium.com is probably the best fit. Such a pity that way leads to the
writers conclave witches coven – or so I imagine is the chilling end of Followers.
This Simple Machines Forum is a typewriter in a room of my own. It has a
panopticonic view. Next time you pass by, if you see me waving, I’m not drowning but stretching.
Sincerely,
Sam the singularity
FOR OFFICE USE ONLYDarlings killed ____