Author Topic: Clubbing


« on: July 18, 2022 »
I'm not a member of any clubs unless you count the Velosolo Club, whose official stance is to neither confirm nor deny membership. The closest I come is The Fridays, to whom I haven't paid dues for a number of years as I consider myself exempt from such trivialities.*

Fetch me my bidon

It now pleases me to explain why I shall never be a member of The Heathfield Cycle Club in particular.

HCC initiation**

Heathfield is a small town nearby to me which is principally of interest due to its trio of supermarkets, the most expensive of the lot, Waitrose, being a good source of greens for a certain connoisseur.

Nature green in tooth and paw

Being the northern anchor of The Cuckoo Trail, it also attracts cyclists, who can often be seen mingling amongst the civilian population at the cafes. It's well known that cyclists originally banded together to protect themselves from a populace perplexed and enraged by their attire; we are fortunate to live in more civilised times, when clubs are chiefly a way to share recipes for homemade energy bars.

The Heathfield Cycle Club advertises itself as "friendly". Taking them at their word, I posted on their Facebook page, hoping to find someone with a high end steel bike willing to allow me a quick spin to either aid me in my deliberations or muddle them further, my motive is unclear.

It was suggested I try Enigma, who have presumably uncracked test bikes available. Using the dark magic of hypertextual protocols developed for the sharing of information, I replied this would not be possible for me. Very soon the following appeared in lieu of their page:

Déjà vu

Worried that Putin had taken them out, I was forced to use stealth technology to ascertain their continued existence. It quickly became clear that rather than portending the start of WWIII, I had simply been banned, which under the circumstances was a relief.

I have since been informed that they worship Enigma (just down the road in Hailsham), the eager sacrifice of free speech being the least they could offer.

You had me until you said "prank"

* That Covid has served as the bouncer at the door may also have something to do with my lapsed membership. Standards have undeniably fallen, though. As an egregious example, the man who was meant to lead the ride to Brighton even dropped out due to cataract surgery; unless it was on both eyes, which I have yet to confirm, this is not on. 

** Too hot for Heathfield:

If you don't like these standards we have others