The scene: a seemingly derelict warehouse on the edge of town where nothing good can happen.
A door screeches open and
a man enters. He's surprised to find a receptionist, who pauses her
Wordle long enough to ask "Name?"
"You can call me the man with no name."
Another door, less screechy this time, immediately opens behind the receptionist.
Charon, an old "friend", enters. "I've been expecting you," he says. "But enough small talk." He gives the receptionist a nod, whereupon she presses a button underneath her desk.
Nothing happens.
"Press it harder, sometimes it sticks," Charon sighs.
She presses it again. A trap door suddenly opens between the man and Charon. Somewhat exasperated, he pulls a gun from his pocket.
"Happy to see me?" says the man dryly.
Charon motions to the trap door: "Watch the first step, it's a doozy."
Not giving the satisfaction of showing fear, the man steps into the void, dropping to waist level. "Looks like I'm not getting to the bottom of this," he says, his training for delivering punchlines automatically kicking in.
"I forgot to tell you the contractor can't make it till Wednesday," says the receptionist.
They take the stairs instead.
"You were foolish to come here," says Charon. "Now your fate is sealed. But which fate is it to be? I will give you a choice."
They enter a corridor with a series of rooms off either side.
The first room smells delicious, if you like duck.
theclaud is sitting at a table contemplating the ravaged carcass of the finest yellow stickered quackers Marks & Sparks has to offer. She is not a happy bunny. Seated at the table with her are AuroraSaab and shep, whilst Unkraut is busy at a chalkboard to better make whatever point he was making.
Waste of a good bird, theclaud mouths when she sees them.
"The dinner party from hell," says Charon with a tight smile while motioning to an empty chair. "Would you like to join them? Forever?"
"If you don't mind I want to see the other rooms before I make a decision," says the man.
The next room smells much worse than the first. The scene before them isn't for the faint of heart. Hitchington, bare arse naked with a few paintbrushes lodged firmly the only place one can stick them, is bent over a large canvas hard at work on what may charitably be described as a study in earthiness. Intent on his palette knife, he doesn't look up.
"There's a vacancy for an apprentice," says Charon. "Interested?"
Not waiting for an answer, he prods the man to the next room, where jowwy is dealing cards to LCpl Boiled Egg, glasgowcyclist, Xipe Totec, and MrGrumpy. It's the way he's dealing that's the problem: he flings the cards inexpertly but with a maniacal strength. Between them the participants may not have a thousand papercuts, but they're getting there. There's blood everywhere. Even so they're all laughing at jowwy, which just makes him fling more wildly.
Moving right along, they come to a haunting portrait in the corridor. "That's winjim," says Charon. "See how his eyes follow you? That's because it really is him, trapped in the painting. It's like something out of Black Mirror. Honestly freaks even me out a little." They hear a very soft
HELP ME as they go by.
AndyRM passes them in a gimp suit, nodding to Charon, and goes into The Writers' Room. It's cacophonous, filled with monkeys on typewriters hooting at their own jokes.
The man considers his options so far, wondering if the painting is as good as it's going to get.
"We're almost done, then you get to decide," chuckles Charon evilly though there's no actual malice, that's just his way.
The final room is perhaps the strangest of all, because nothing terrible is happening unless you count the gory film on TV that Poacher, Milkfloat, Mugshot, newfhouse and Ian H are watching as they lounge on the couch.
"Oh, I like this bit," says Charon.
It's then that the man spots his opportunity for escape. As everyone is busy keeping up with the subtitles, he makes his way to the coffee table and snatches the remote. When will people learn not to leave such plot devices lying around?
"No!" shouts Charon, but it's too late. The man rewinds the entire scene to before he decided to go into the warehouse, and finds
a pub instead.
