Annual meeting

[Clava Scriba]

Star chamber present and accounted for? Just say "yes" for the record. Though we're off the record.

Blaise Pascal, Jean-Paul Sartre, Dorothy Parker, Mary Whitehouse, Seven of Nine, and G.K Chesterton: Yes.

Thank you for coming. I hope that going back to the 90s hasn't been triggering for anyone. You've all signed the waiver for continuity errors. Any questions?

Dorothy Parker: Why the 90s?

I'm feeling nostalgic, and that was a sweet spot for me. Bring in the accused.

[Seven of Nine leaves then comes back with The Man With No Name and his lawyer, Clarence Darrow.]

Man With No Name, you stand accused of [checks notes] trying my patience. How do you plead?

Clarence Darrow: My client has nothing to say.

That was the problem, wasn't it. Your client had nothing to contribute.

Clarence Darrow: It's no crime. And my client doesn't know why it should be an issue.

Posting is the minimum requirement for ascertaining you have a pulse. Most present company excluded.

Blaise Pascal: On the contrary, Mary is getting something thrumming. I do enjoy a challenge.

Mary Whitehouse: I doubt you could handle me, old man.

[Chesterton raises an eyebrow]

Clarence, I seem to recall you yourself got the boot back in Reply #15. Isn't that right, Seven?

Seven of Nine: That is correct. Would you like me to apply "the boot" again?

No, I'm feeling generous. Just not towards his client, who also ignored a simple query from yours truly. Verdict: guilty.

Dorothy Parker: Don't we get a vote?

Sure, as long as you agree with me.

Everyone: Guilty!

[The Man With No Name drops through a trapdoor into the outside world. Clarence, who hasn't been paid, jumps after him.]

G.K. Chesterton: Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.

[Humouring Chesterton, who spits these things out from time to time apropos nothing] I'll have maintenance look into it.

Jean-Paul Sartre: Can we leave now? [He makes eyes at Mary, who grabs the doorknob. It comes off in her hand. Pascal grows tumescent.]

Bloody hell. Seven, you've proven to be something of a jack-of-all-trades. Can you fix that?

[Seven of Nine kicks the door down]

Sounds like the 90s out there too.

G.K. Chesterton: The purpose of Compulsory Education is to deprive the common people of their commonsense.

Blaise Pascal: The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.

Dorothy Parker: That's me pulled.

[Chesterton looks startled. Parker grabs Pascal to make herself clear. Beelines are made to the guest bedrooms.]

Seven, have you been doping the climate control with pheromones again?

Seven of Nine: You're the one who told me I needed a hobby.

[Clava Scriba]

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. I see our cloud storage is almost full. Is that cause for concern?

Seven of Nine: Sir no sir.

Thank goodness I have you to know these things for me.

Seven of Nine: Sir yes sir.

Feeling impish again, Seven?

Seven of Nine: It passes the time.

I belatedly note for the record that Clava Scriba has taken to posting these minutes. Well done for being unobtrusive.

Clava Scriba: [Silent]

Cat got your tongue?

Clava Scriba: [Remains silent]

[Turns to Seven of Nine with questioning look]

Seven of Nine: The Club Secretary has taken a vow of silence. Cutting off his tongue helped.

You're joking.

Seven of Nine: Nein.

Did we do that?

Tammy Wynette, from HR: Only in the sense that it was covered by his generous private club insurance.

Clava Scriba: I ha oo ay a eeuibu.

Tammy Wynette: He said "I had to pay a deductible."

So much for vows. Moving right along [checks watch], wait a minute, I see the clocks have gone forward again. Does anyone know who won the election?

Eva Perón: You don't want to know.

Very well. You're just the person I wanted to see, Eva. How's the oppo research going?

Eva Perón: You mean the dossier on Fozy Tornip?

I mean what I mean. But yes, the dossier.

Eva Perón: They're a member of CC/NACA, and as you discovered, also at another cycling forum whose name has been redacted, where you recently found them.

He or she, Eva. Flip a coin if you must.

Eva Perón: [Flips coin, which lands on its edge]

Try again.

Eva Perón: [Coin lands on edge again]

What are the odds. Let's go with 'she', shall we?

Eva Perón: I'll hand over to Angela, from research.

Angela Carter: Our psychological profile indicates a saucy, high functioning coeliac who enjoys skinny-dipping in the reproduction Trevi Fountain she had installed on her country pile, which also houses an underground cannabis farm and distribution centre. She doesn't like TV, doesn't suffer fools, has a pet hyena, and a thing for Benicio del Toro.

Wow, you guys are amazing.

Angela Carter: Looking at her avatars helped.


Borne aloft on a warm current of 'likes'


fozympotent
[actually a previous avatar - this is what our research department is for]

Angela Carter, cont'd: The rest is made up, but it's a good story, which is what you pay us for.

I guess I know at least one thing in your Netflix history.

Angela Carter: Coincidence.

Does your profile indicate why this person would ignore my request for an interview? Not just anybody gets asked 20 questions.

Angela Carter: No it does not. But I can hazard a guess.

Whispers in my ear

I don't do likes. There can be no other earthly reason.

Also - thanks a lot for changing your NACA avatar, fozy.

[close]

Yes, that must be it.

We try; we fail; we try again; we fail again. What more can one ask out of life.

Have there been any nibbles in the membership dept. as a result of our recruitment video, Tammy?

Tammy Wynette:


That looks like a feeding frenzy.

Tammy Wynette:

I see.

Tammy Wynette: You could say it's the future.

Yes, but one can only hear so many anecdotes about the Tannhäuser Gate... Let's stick with old fashioned carbon-based lifeforms.

[Launches into pitch] NACF is exclusively for people of taste and discernment – attributes in short supply in the cycling forum milieu. We want members able to think outside The Guardian, which is a walled garden of––

Seven of Nein: You've misspelt 'milieu', sir.

Since corrected. Let the record be expunged.

Clava Scriba: a aa.

Tammy Whynot: He said "Fat Chance."

Benicio would come in handy right around now.

Where was I?

Angela Cartier: You were mentioning how The Guardian sang my praises.

Was I? Great stuff.

Tammy Wynette: You were also expressing relief that we haven't been inundated with new members.

Full up, are we?

Tammy Wynette: Please don't.

Don't what?

Tammy Wynette: Don't mention A Man in Full.

But I've got a screenshot which will otherwise go to waste. Put it up where everyone can see it, Clava.

ɒ afe or ur

"Not safe for work"

I tried to warn you

Remember you can't undickclick this

[close]

[close]

[close]

Seven of Nine: The Borg had advanced hydraulics capabilities.

Taste and discernment, people. And a sense of humour.

Gary Cooper: And a certain horse-like quality?

We don't check, but it's no bar.

Gary Cooper: I got checked.

Tammy Wynette: That was a rogue intern.

Gary Cooper: [Reverts to strong silent type]

Do we have time for a MUST HEAR Deadwood story?

Seven of Nine: I see what you did there, but only because I also watched A Man in Full.

Have you seen C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate, Seven?

Seven of Nine: Can't say I've had the pleasure. It's a well-known pickup line.

How about the Northern Lights?

Seven of Nine: You mean the great light show of '24?

Yes those ones.

Seven of Nine: I was regenerating at the time.

Still using the EV charging station down in the garage?

Seven of Nine: I wouldn't mind so much if Gary didn't keep backing his Prius into me.

That's not a euphemism, is it?

Gary Cooper [once again moved to speak]: It's true I drive a Prius.

Nikola Tesla: I've got a Tesla, myself.

Nikola! Didn't see you there.

Nikola Tesla: I was washing my hands.

We installed the sensor taps just for you.

Seven of Nine: New sensor taps, but I'm still down in the garage?

Nikola Tesla: The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

We'll pencil it into last year's budget. Until we meet again,

[Clava Scriba]

Today's annual meeting has been cancelled due to high winds. Everyone is on the roof flying kites.

Thomas Hardy: That's why I'm here.

Would you like a kite?

Thomas Hardy: No thanks.

As long as you're here, what do you think of People Like Us?

Thomas Hardy: A Trump voter isn't like me.

Starmer voters welcome too – this is a genuinely inclusive space.

Thomas Hardy: Is Sir Keir also a pussy grabber?

He's a cervix flip-flopper.

Thomas Hardy: Who'd want to be a woman these days?

It's something of a revolving door.

Thomas Hardy: Psych consult, stat.

As it happens, the producers of my little question time did invite someone who goes by 'They/them/she/her'.

Thomas Hardy: Four's a crowd.

Not to be menphobic, but I want some non-men.

Thomas Hardy: You can't always get what you want. It's madding.

You mean maddening.

Thomas Hardy: Yeah, that.

[sam]

Sigmund Freud: It's been a while.

Still in the supply room, I see. So that's where all the vitamin D has gone.

SF: I did requisition a window. How can I help you today?

You know you can't absorb it through glass.

SF: Why don't you make yourself comfortable on the couch and we can talk about it.

No time. I think I'm being followed.

SF: What makes you say that?

This:



SF: [Opens door, looks both ways down hallway] They'd better not be here for my vitamin D.

[We hurriedly move the couch in front of the door, then sit down on it together]

Could it be a January 6 -type insurrection?

SF: I didn't actually see anybody out there. [Nervously pops some D]

[Knock on door]

Both of us: Who is it?!?

Seven of Nine [muffled]: All clear. It was just the Borg. They've gone back to the Collective.

[We move the couch back]

SF: Anything else on your mind?

I can't decide.

SF: Is this a general indecision, or can you be more specific?

I'll get back to you on that.

[sam]

Only registered members are allowed to access this section.

So much for the honour system.

This plenary session is now called to order. Should we go private like they have across the road?

Absolutely everybody: NO!

Well that's settled. Next on the agenda: how shall we celebrate XX Day?

Seven of Nine: Not by penis jousting, that's for sure.

[Many more clicks than necessary] One click should do it, people.

Leonard Nimoy, who is indeed a member: Fascinating.

Edgar Allen Poe: How about the XY amongst us wear red shirts in solidarity?

That's in poor taste, for what should be obvious reasons.

Gene Wilder: Embedding a clip that objectifies women is definitely not the way to go.

Marilyn Monroe, who we strain to hear because she's always so breathy: Men are such simple creatures.

A motion has been put forward that men are simple creatures.

Harry Kim: Seconded.

Leonard Nimoy: Why do we always end up at Star Trek?

The chair recognises that as a rhetorical question and brings this meeting to a close.

Lipstick on my collar


Link to the jousting source, in case the archive site goes on the blink as it does from time to time.

On edit: YACF suspended guest posting due to technical difficulties, which is a shame, as I had some lovely theories lined up which weren't nearly so pedestrian.

[close]

[sam]

No meeting today, it's just me and the retro taping system I had installed. Picked it up on eBay for a song.

I dictated my latest post, really poured my heart out. It was all about the election.


One I made earlier

Unfortunately I then accidentally recorded over it.

Did I mention the new motto for my desk? Instead of THE BUCK STOPS HERE, a very tastefully engraved KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID now sits in pride of place, to be ignored as and when necessary.

Many will say the stupid won last night.

Spoiler

[close]

This is for anyone who said they're leaving the country if Trump won:

Your in-flight entertainment

[sam]

Emergency annual meeting called to order.

Hundreds of websites to shut down under UK’s ‘chilling’ internet laws [archive]

Everyone up to speed? Good. As to how this will affect NACF, our lawyer has the floor.

Saul Goodman: I'll have to get back to you on that.

Very well. Does it help that we're hosted in the US?

Saul Goodman: Not particularly, but if it makes you feel any better, it can't hurt.

Speaking of hurting, I note that LFGSS will be shutting down. To mark the occasion Seven has made the world's smallest violin, observable by scanning electron microscope in the music room. Take a bow, Seven.

Seven of Nine: But that would leave the violin unplayable.

You've continued work on your sense of humour, I see.

Seven of Nine: How about a song instead?

That was splendid.

Seven of Nine: If you'll excuse me, I need to regenerate for an extra long time now.

Whatever gets you through the night.

[sam]

Have I mentioned that my desktop is made of wood reclaimed from the Titanic? It was the piece Rose was floating on at the end. Once during an office party I got Seven of Nine to lie on it as I pretended to drown. We have great office parties.

The clubhouse is currently empty due to a fire drill. I pulled the lever myself. It's good to keep people on their toes. I bolted the doors after they fled, so we'll see how long my peace lasts.

We haven't had an annual meeting for ages. I've been sending memos instead. Executive privilege. There's one sitting on my desk underneath a BAFTA, which I use as a paperweight. It's real. I "borrowed" it from Isabel's husband.



The memo concerns toilets. After the Supreme Court decision there were concerns that civilisation is in such decay that we can't tell the difference between the sexes anymore. I've decided to relabel the doors "Not Men" and "Not Women".

[sam]

Is anybody there?

Seven of Nine: Since you're literally phoning it in, I can confirm we do have members present. They look agitated. I'll put you on speaker.

Lady Mary Wortley Montagu: I want to know why Free For All was demoted.

Thomas Chatterton: Indeed. And Across The Road removed from the front page.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: And People Like Us killed off! It's unconscionable.

Cleopatra: Change for change's sake.

Relax, people. I took a survey and this is what I wanted.

Lady Mary Wortley Montagu: Free For All being on top made the most sense. That was a good place for all three of those boards, separated from the rest of the 'forum'.

'Preciate the air quotes, Lady Mary. While it's true that my fond wish was for FFA to attract refugees fleeing oppressive regimes across the road, or at least looking to chat about forums, that was never really in the cards, was it. Hence Across The Road playing hide and seek. (It's still on the main index page if you switch to mobile. Don't switch to mobile.)

As for People Like Us, I was in the mood to a tighten things up, and the newly promoted Highway 61 is a suitable venue for 20 Questions. Satisfied?

[Silence]

Are they still there, Seven?

Seven of Nine: They left for the screening of Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri in the ballroom.

I love that film. Penelope said "begets".

Seven of Nine: Pardon?



Seven of Nine: I see.

She read it on a bookmark.
 


Seven of Nine: Read what on a bookmark?

Words to live by.



Sorry, wrong slide.



Could you do me a favour and read The Letter into the record, Seven? A quick Google should show you what I'm talking about.

Seven of Nine: Very well.

My Darling Anne,

There's a longer letter in the dresser drawer I've been writing for the last week or so, that one covers us, and my memories of us, and how much I've always loved you. This one just covers tonight, and more importantly, today.

Tonight I have gone out to the horses to end it. I cannot say sorry for the act itself, although I know for a short time you will be angry at me, or even hate me for it. Please don't. This is not a case of, I came in this world alone and I'm goin' out of it alone, or anything dumb like that. I did not come in this world alone, my mom was there. And I am not goin' out of it alone, 'cause you were there, drunk on the couch, making Oscar Wilde cock jokes.

No, this is a case, in some senses, of bravery. Not the bravery of facing a bullet down. The next few months of pain would be far harder than that small flash. No, it's the bravery of weighing up the next few months of still being with you, still waking up with you, of playing with the kids... Against the next few months of seeing in your eyes how much my pain is killing you. How my weakened body, as it ebbs away, and you tend to it, are your final and lasting memories of me. I won't have that.

Your final memories of me will be us at the riverside, and that dumb fishing game, which I think they cheated at. And me inside of you, and you on top of me... And barely a fleeting thought, of the darkness yet to come. That was the best Anne. A whooole day of not thinking about it. Dwell on this day baby, 'cause it was the best day of my life.

Kiss the girls for me, and know that I've always loved you... And maybe I'll see ya again if there's another place, and if there ain't... Well, it's been heaven knowing you.

Your Boy, Bill

Thank you kindly.

Seven of Nine: Where are you, anyway?

Oh I'm hitchhiking. Just got picked up by a couple on a roadtrip.

Seven of Nine: Where are you headed?

[sam]

The club has received a generous gift, not for the first time, from Ivan the Terrible. The motion before us is to spend it on a cognitively divergent wing.

Ivan the Terrible: I had requested to be Secret Santa.

Let the record so reflect.

Ivan the Terrible: And my wish was in fact for a holodeck.

We've discussed this, Ivan. Those only exist in science fiction. Isn't that right, Seven?

Seven of Nine: That is correct. However, it is curious that the budget includes a R&D allocation for, and I quote, "the Holodeck".

That's a typo. It should read ballroom. We're returfing it.

[General confusion]

Max Planck: When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

Who said that?

Max Planck: Not me, until just now.

Robertson Davies: Here's the thing, this internet place is full of what are often termed cognitively divergent these days. In my book that just means that person's reactions don't fit the societal norms. The longer that person has been hanging out here, the more likely that is too be true. F'rinstace a random person might, if the fancy takes them, fill a forum designed for communication between people by talking to themselves. Nothing wrong with that, just an example of a way of behaving that Those People Out There might not think to be normal.

Winjam: Can we take a vote on normal?

Let's vote on the new wing first. All in favour, "Sí!" All opposed, "It's not you, it's me."

[More focused confusion, as everyone shouts their vote at the same time]

I reckon the Sís have it.

Max Planck: Can we have a karaoke room?

AI Overview: From Japanese "empty orchestra".

ChatGPT: It’s a great example of a wasei-eigo (Japanese-made English), where foreign words are shortened and combined into something uniquely Japanese. 🎤

Get a room you two.



AI Overview: My ideal role-play is 'Professional', with arched eyebrow.

Max Planck: