Cyclechat: the end

[Librarian]

You can't go forward, because the future hasn't happened yet.^[1]

Nonsense on stilts, not least because that was a terrible movie (if a guilty pleasure), rendering its logic suspect. Plus I've been here before.

Of course the first thing I did upon my arrival this time was check in on CycleChat. Spoilers ahead.

The Gender again. Sorry! thread is up to 42 million posts. This is actually a bit more than expected. It really kicked off when the original participants reached their natural ends and CycleChatBot^[2] took over. In fact humans are no longer allowed on the forum as per an update of the registration agreement about 20 years ago. The last one posted in the Beer? thread (7 billion posts and counting) and died of thirst shortly thereafter, thanks to the massive tax on anything that sustains life.



The mods were lined up against a wall and shot generations ago. I would've stopped this despite my antipathy towards them, but Karma Laws are now in effect when it comes to time travel.

Shaun is still around. Using wealth accrued from AdSense, he had himself cryogenically preserved – or so he thought. Sadly his body didn't make it, as a thoughtless tech opened the freezer in search of fish fingers; his brain was then transplanted into Hitler's body,^[3] clones of which are widely available as the ultimate doubleplus ungood ironical fashion statement. He parts his hair the other way to make sure people get it. Keeps a Drago9000 as a pet.

Death notices - how some of them went
Mudsticks - Camped on the lip of a volcano thought to be dormant
Rusty Nails - Tetanus
Multitool - After the longest ever known incubation period of rabies
Bromptonaut - Bitten by Multitool
Monkers - Choked on own bollocks
Winjim - Fell from a dirigible, a mode of transportation due to make a comeback
Icowden - Directly under Winjim (CC members will prove to be uncannily attracted to each other)
Ian H - Speared by a strident Took the wrong lift.
Fab Foodie - Eaten by cannibals who were themselves eaten by cannibals
Pale Rider the lesser - Body never found
Spen666 - Chased by a herd of possessed swine over Beachy Head
Fozy Tornip - Beaten to death by a mime
Unkraut - Clean living (studies have confirmed that unclean is best)
AuroraSaab - Mob hit
Glasgowcyclist - Unknown, but left a large sum of money in a suitcase, to be found by new flatmates after moving to Edinburgh, triggering a series of very unfortunate events
Theclaud - Taken out by a timecop: classified
Matticus - Survived plane crash on desert island but hit on head by a coconut, which was a heroic death as the coconut was the last one on the island and it kept his nearly starved fellow survivors alive until help arrived the next day
Dutchguylivingintheuk - Swerved to avoid a badger and ran over a Great Crested Newt instead; died in prison
qigong chimp - Tipped into a bowl of broth whilst meditating
Julia9054 - Whatever it was, it wasn't pretty
Newfhouse - Reaped what he sowed
Cookiemonster - Victim of Oscar the Grouch, DUI
CXRAndy - Spontaneous human combustion
Mr Celine - Freak accident hanging a novelty Darwin Award
HMS_Dave - On the other side of the wall listening as Mr Celine hammered the nail in
Hitchington - Ate the wrong bug
Poacher - Pleasured the wrong badger
Classic33 - Carpal tunnel syndrome
Adam4868 - As it happens, 4868 is code for something unspeakably gruesome – don't do that at a level crossing
AndyRM - Pillow fight
Bobzmyunkle - Howitzer
BoldonLad - Fell off a pair of stilts whilst drywalling.

NOTES
1. Timecop script, archived for the ages.
2. A subsidiary of Skynet.
3. All the historical records of WWII were lost when a cloud backup failed after a raid on the master database by the Army of the 12 Monkeys.



Historians have been forced to piece events together using Downfall parodies.