Author Topic: Hastings to the sea


Hastings to the sea
« on: March 20, 2019 »
As not everybody has been able to make it to Hastings on my London to Hastings rides, I’ve decided to improve the odds by starting there.

Classy painting showing arrival of new shipment of high fashion

We’ll meet at the train station, wind our way up the streets of this ancient Cinque Port and now proud host of Primark, then take the lanes to Bodiam, where railinfrastructurespotters will note the heritage line, once upon a time the hop-pickers express: Guinness, who owned land here, promised glamping then pulled a bait-and-switch.

We'll pause at the statutorily picturesque castle ruins, bought by John ‘Mad Jack’ Fuller in the early 19th century and now property of The National Trust, which charges admission to the grounds unless you profer one of their special "I'm not a commoner" cards.

We’ll visit Jack’s pyramid up the road in Brightling, do lunch down the hill (but back up another) in Burwash, have a peek at the country pile of a surprise celebrity or two, and enjoy lovely Wealden (as opposed to Wildean) views in transit to Heathfield. There we'll continue south down the Cuckoo Trail, likely dodging a few barmy dog walkers along the way.

Presently we’ll find ourselves on the Hastings seafront, our counterclockwise exertions at an end, thus fulfilling our goal, with all attendant fanfare.


Ride debrief
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2019 »
☐ The tick boxes are for illustrative purposes only

How would you rate this ride?
☐ Better than sex
☐ Nothing like sex, except for the honking
☐ Lacked a coherent narrative but would otherwise recommend

How was the weather?
☐ Unexpectedly delightful
☐ Biblical

☐ Essentially unremarkable
(Note that this was written before the ride. Is a spot of hail remarkable?)

Did you have any problems?
☐ Puncture
☐ Chain jammed
☐ Frame written off
☐ Catastrophic inner tube valve cap failure
☐ Shifted into a slightly wrong gear once

Oh say did you see:
A folly or three
☐ A castle or two
AB's semi-detached domy
☐ The Jayne Torvill pedestrian crossing
☐ A coupla llamas

see the art I had to ditch?

Daltrey's digs
☐ Abode of former Banshee
☐ An observatory

Cuckoo Trailspotter
☐ Fen Raft spider holiday home
Gypsum mine
☐ A generous serving of bluebells
Poet sitting on a bench

meet the sculptor

A bear in Burwash
☐ An American in Hastings

Place the following attractions we didn’t see in order of regret:
__ Jones-Humperdinck love nest
__ Heather Mills' old gaff
__ Santa's Bruderhof workshop (and daily meditation)

Would you have preferred more hills?
Sure, why not

What do you think should be done to vandals of rental bikes?
☐ Something biblical
☐ Hard labour in the mines
☐ Winston Smith face cage with Fen Raft spider
Walk the plank

What is gypsum used for?
Plaster of Paris
☐ Blackboard chalk

☐ It's a vital ingredient in energy bars

If you were to build a folly what sort would it be?
☐ Leaning tower of selfies
Gherkin-shaped tomb
☐ Pyramid of beer
☐ Pillar of salt with sign forbidding you to look at it
☐ Don't know, but a structure along Seussian lines
A blog using forum software

Which of these did Anthony Burgess not write?
ABBA: My Guilty Swedish Pleasure
I Am Curious (Yellow)
☐ End-to-Enderby

Which of these songs did The Cure not release?
☐ The Loverats
☐ Just Like Hull
☐ Boys Don't Cry in Crawley
☐ Let's Go to the Shed

What fortune did your blueberry muffin bring?
☐ All your tomorrows will turn into yesterdays, so there's that to look forward to.
☐ You will be abducted by aliens but earthlings will abduct you back.
☐ The questions will keep piling up.
☐ Against all your training as a cyclist you'll drink after you’re thirsty. It will feel wrong.
☐ Later in life your guarded optimism will change to retroactive pessimism.
☐ You will find most things easier said than done, though some will be the other way around.
☐ Your 15 minutes of fame will be extended to 16 if you play your cards right.
☐ This fortune has been removed for health and safety reasons.
☐ There's no telling some people, but you will anyway.
☐ While dreaming you will solve the Brexit dilemma to everyone’s satisfaction. Unfortunately you’ll awaken to use the toilet and forget it by the time you flush.

What did you do after the ride?
☐ Visited the Hastings red light district, except it kept changing to green
☐ Contemplated a ride report. Still contemplating.
☐ Drinking. Still drinking.*

*Had a few pints with a roguishly charming gap-toothed gal by the name of Sally who told me she was going to veterinary school. We chatted about dorgis, which is apparently not a typo. She dashed off without paying, leaving a fetching coral designer case behind. When I opened it I found multiple IDs and a much-annotated copy of All Creatures Great and Small with a snapshot of an old dear evidently being used as a bookmark. On the back was written “Behave yourself! Love, AuntiE.”

Ah, Twitter, eater upper of Sunday evenings. Also: Bored Panda Clickbait comes through with 77 Celebrity Doppelganger Animals, serving up lookalikes for both llamas and alpacas.


America Ground
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2019 »
“There comes a point when you're so late with a ride report that you realise you've bought yourself infinite time. It then becomes almost impossible to write anything. Without deadlines there's chaos.” Or so I wrote once upon a time, it seems.

Ride report on


News you can't use
« Reply #3 on: August 01, 2019 »

(Cillian & Ben are part of my stock image library. When a picture's right, it's right.)