☐ The tick boxes are for illustrative purposes only
How would you rate this ride?☐ Better than sex
☐ Nothing like sex, except for the
honking☐ Lacked a coherent narrative but would otherwise recommend
How was the weather?☐ Unexpectedly delightful
☐ Biblical
☐ Essentially unremarkable
(Note that this was written before the ride. Is a spot of hail remarkable?)
Did you have any problems?☐ Puncture
☐ Chain jammed
☐ Frame written off
☐ Catastrophic inner tube valve cap failure
☐ Shifted into a slightly wrong gear once
Oh say did you see:☐
A folly or three☐ A
castle or two
☐
AB's semi-detached
domy☐ The
Jayne Torvill pedestrian crossing
☐ A coupla
llamassee the art I had to ditch?☐
Daltrey's digs☐ Abode of
former Banshee☐ An
observatory☐
Cuckoo Trailspotter☐ Fen Raft
spider holiday home
☐
Gypsum mine ↓
☐ A generous serving of
bluebells☐
Poet sitting on a bench
meet the sculptor☐
A bear in Burwash
☐ An American in Hastings
Place the following attractions we didn’t see in order of regret:
__
Jones-Humperdinck
love nest__
Heather Mills' old
gaff__
Santa's Bruderhof workshop (and daily
meditation)
Would you have preferred more hills?☐
Sure, why notWhat do you think should be done to vandals of rental bikes?
☐ Something biblical
☐ Hard labour in the mines
☐ Winston Smith face cage with Fen Raft spider
☐
Walk the plankWhat is gypsum used for?☐
Plaster of Paris
☐ Blackboard chalk
☐ It's a vital ingredient in energy bars
If you were to build a folly what sort would it be?☐ Leaning tower of selfies
☐
Gherkin-shaped tomb
☐ Pyramid of
beer☐ Pillar of salt with sign forbidding you to look at it
☐ Don't know, but a structure along Seussian lines
☐
A blog using forum softwareWhich of these did Anthony Burgess not write?☐
ABBA: My Guilty Swedish Pleasure
☐
I Am Curious (Yellow)☐ End-to-
EnderbyWhich of these songs did The Cure not release?☐ The
Loverats☐ Just Like
Hull☐ Boys Don't Cry in
Crawley
☐ Let's Go to the
ShedWhat fortune did your blueberry muffin bring?☐ All your tomorrows will turn into yesterdays, so there's that to look forward to.
☐ You will be abducted by aliens but earthlings will abduct you back.
☐ The questions will keep piling up.
☐ Against all your training as a cyclist you'll drink after you’re thirsty. It will feel wrong.
☐ Later in life your guarded optimism will change to retroactive pessimism.
☐ You will find most things easier said than done, though some will be the other way around.
☐ Your 15 minutes of fame will be extended to 16 if you play your cards right.
☐ This fortune has been removed for health and safety reasons.
☐ There's no telling some people, but you will anyway.
☐ While dreaming you will solve the
Brexit dilemma to everyone’s satisfaction. Unfortunately you’ll awaken to use the toilet and forget it by the time you flush.
What did you do after the ride?☐ Visited the Hastings red light district, except it kept changing to green
☐ Contemplated a ride report. Still contemplating.
☐ Drinking.
Still drinking.**Had a few pints with a roguishly charming gap-toothed gal by the name of Sally who told me she was going to veterinary school. We chatted about dorgis, which is apparently not a typo. She dashed off without paying, leaving a fetching coral designer case behind. When I opened it I found multiple IDs and a much-annotated copy of All Creatures Great and Small with a snapshot of an old dear evidently being used as a bookmark. On the back was written “Behave yourself! Love, AuntiE.”
Ah, Twitter, eater upper of Sunday evenings. Also: Bored Panda Clickbait comes through with 77 Celebrity Doppelganger Animals, serving up lookalikes for both llamas and alpacas.