Are You
a Real Cyclist?
by Rob Ainsley
Real cycling is not about
gear ratios. Or wearing lycra the colour of rainforest
toads. Or pedalling to the country pub in the sun, then getting a
taxi back because it's dark and raining.
No. Real cycling is fixing your second puncture on a windy night. It's buying
a three-metre curtain pole, then realising you have to bike it home like a medieval
jouster. It's crunching your way to work through thick snow, arriving half an
hour late icy-toed and white-fingered -- to find everyone else has taken the
day off because their cars wouldn't start.
Real cycling is frustrating, inconvenient, exhausting -- and huge fun. See which
of these things you've done to find your Real Cyclist rating out of 100.
Have you ever...
| Shifted
a huge load What's the biggest thing you've moved? For real cyclists, having cargo doesn't mean you go by car. And we're not just talking plastic carrier bags dangling from the handlebars. We're talking hatstands, vacuum cleaners, sofas, coal bunkers, trees. They've all been biked, and today's trailers can transport anything you could fit in a small car. Score 5 pts for big shopping, 8 for mid-size appliance (computer etc.), 11 for comedy items (snooker table, canoe, double bed etc.). |
| 5-11 pts |
| Biked
Across Britain The ultimate British ride is Land's End to John O'Groats (the tailwind way). The 900 or so miles take one to three weeks -- plus, if you're doing it for charity, about six months to chase up all your sponsors. Too busy? Sustrans's Coast to Coast (C2C) route is a quick and convenient way to 'do' Britain side-to-side. The inspiring 120-mile route from Workington or Whitehaven to Sunderland or Newcastle can be done easily in a long weekend; a sort of End-to-End Lite. Score 7 pts for the C2C, 16 pts (max) for the End to End (or similar length routes); 2 pts if you actually managed to collect all your sponsorship money. |
| 7-18 pts |
| Biked
to work frozen Score one point for every degree C below zero (max 10) of your coldest-ever commute. "There's no such thing as bad weather, only inadequate clothing"; true, but arriving at work on a winter morning looking like Sir Ranulph Fiennes is rarely looked on as promotional. But then, no-one ever failed to start their bike because of the cold. And carless snowed-up roads under a clear sharp sky are breathtaking. Literally. |
| 1-10 pts |
| Failed
a repair Punctures miles from anywhere are bad enough -- especially back-wheel ones from the invisible gramophone needles infesting cycle tracks. But no points for those. To score here you must have failed to fix (2 pts) something major (buckled wheel, blowout, collapsed rack etc. - 2 pts) with hopelessly makeshift tools (e.g. rock, grass to stuff tyre, coat-hanger - 2 pts) and had to push or freewheel back to civilisation (2 pts). |
| 8 pts |
| Busted
the speed limit Real cyclists know their law. For example, cycle to church on Christmas Day and you contravene the Holy Days Act, 1551 (you must walk). On the other hand, you cannot be charged with speeding on a bike. There is no such offence. (This on the authority of His Honour Patrick Halnan, no less, in a letter to The Times in Nov 1997.) You can be done for cycling "dangerously", "carelessly and inconsiderately" or "furiously"; but if you're safe, careful and considerate, there's nothing to stop you zonking along at 45 in a 30 limit. (Minus 20 pts for Christmas cycling to church. Cycling Plus cannot condone breaking the law.) |
| 5 pts |
| Been
carless Few things show as much commitment to two wheels. Bask in the respectful astonishment of friends and relatives as they grapple with the enormity ("but how do you take the kids to school... get the shed back from Homebase... train-and-cycle to Gosport?"). Make them feel guilty (fossil fuels, pollution, asthma, road accidents, etc.). Score 5 pts if you have been or ever were carless for over a year in adult life, 5 more if over three years, 5 more if carless now. |
| 5-15 pts |
| Dripped
all day English rain, unlike foreign precipitation, can also go upwards, sideways and backwards. It knows where your feet are. In cahoots with puddles it will keep them squelching all day. The exquisite dread of putting on wet shoes after camping in the rain is unforgettable. |
| 5 pts |
| Been
thrown off bus / train Bikes on trains? No problem: simply call the information line on your mobile phone to see what changes they made to the regulations that morning. Bikes on coaches? They're welcome, so long as you enclose your machine in a six-foot concrete case that's so convenient to carry around. Score 5 pts for any enforced exit from public transport; 2 more for aggravating circumstances (the carriage was empty anyway, you'd checked up by phone before, etc.) |
| 7 pts |
| Ridden
a recumbent It doesn't matter whether you're for ("easier, faster, better on your back and private parts") or against ("dangerous in traffic, impossible up hills"), just so long as you speak from experience. Score 3 pts, plus 2 if you careered in circles before falling off first time round. And round and round. |
| 3-5 pts |
| Had
a bike nicked ...plus a bonus point if you a) kept looking round the local streets expecting to see it ridden by the thief or b) scanned the paper for reports of someone painfully injured in an accident while riding your machine. But zero pts if you made on the insurance. |
| 6 pts |
| Been
on a demo In those pub conversations where you put the transport world to rights, your opinion counts double if you've been on a demo. London's Critical Mass rides, usually 5.45pm on the last Friday of the month from the South Bank, are generally sociable, well-attended shows of gentle force from thousands of cyclists simply happening to congregate. Extra 5 pts if you buy the next round. |
| 5 pts |
| Back-marked
in a race The Ashes. Argentina. Eddie the Eagle. We're obsessive about failure. You get more attention from being a heroic last than an effortless first, in cycling like everything else. Sadly for the sneerers, Audax rides are organised more for sheer enjoyment and personal challenge. They don't publish 'results lists'. Your satisfaction in happily bringing up the rear will be between you and your friends, many of whom you'll have made on the ride. |
| 5 pts |
Your Ratings
|
70+
|
|
Real
Cyclist
|
|
If
you run into Adam Hart-Davis, Josie Dew, Jeremy Paxman or John Snow in
a cafe, you can swop stories as peers.
|
|
45-69
|
|
Real
Good
|
|
Indurain
might beat you up the Alps, but you'll be first back with your groceries
from Asda.
|
|
21-44
|
|
Real
Trouble
|
|
Look
at your bike. Why is it so clean and new-looking?
|
|
0-20
|
|
Real
Bad
|
|
Driving
your bike to the shop to have a puncture mended is not big or clever,
you know.
|
©
Rob Ainsley
Cycling Plus