| Home | Essays | Travel | Images |
HUMOUR
& FICTION
Cyclists'
Apocrypha
In the beginning God created the bicycle, saw that it was good, then
went for a nice Sunday
ride on the bike lanes He'd made the day before, and they were good, too,
because they
were new and He had the angels keep them clear of debris. Later, of course,
God would get cross and have the flood wash all the good ones away.
Getafix
It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. Needing a fix
and armed with a dumbell spanner, a set of Allen keys
and an old toothbrush, I went out to score.
Simon Yeend confesses
his dirty little secret
No
Helmet for Me, Grazie
The bottle struck me full in the unprotected forehead.
I fell to the ground just as Don Sinistro's careful shot
passed through the air where I had just been.
Robert Rutkowski
provides ammunition
for the anti-helmet brigade
The
Quitter
There are some who will ride as long as God or whomever will let them.
I am such a person, as is Papa H., who will ride his Viking funeral chariot
down Killington in an incendiary blaze of faith and madness.
Bill
Ketzer learns how to pray
No
One Seems To Care That Area Man's Bike Was Stolen
"It's too bad that Dan's bike got swiped," friend Pete DiResta said,
"but you can only listen to him say, 'It was even locked up' so
many times before you want to choke him."
A newsflash from the Onion
The
Lactic Acid Express
These lords of the mechanized jungle will occasionally ignore a lone
cyclist on the veldt. However, there's something about the sight
of an entire herd of racers that triggers their bloodlust.
Patrick O'Grady joins
the peloton
Diary
of a Reluctant Unicyclist
Unicycling is contrived. It hasn't developed for any other reason
than because some clown wanted to be a bit more wacky than
some other clown. Never liked 'wacky'.
Andy Dickson learns to
ride half a bike
Are
You a Real Cyclist?
Real cycling is not about gear ratios. Or wearing lycra the colour of
rainforest toads. Or pedalling to the country pub in the sun, then
getting a taxi back because it's dark and raining.
Take Rob Ainsley's quiz
and see how you rate
The
Romance of Cecilia
She paused; she fidgeted; she stamped her heel;
She choked the rage she could not all conceal;
Then swung her wheel round with an evil grace,
And took that hill at a terrific pace.
A turn-of-the-century rhyme (to pass the time)
Metamorfahrrad
As he hitched himself back and forth there came a soft tapping
at the bedroom door. "Gregor," said a gentle voice, "are you awake?
Isn't it time you were up?"
David Eccles takes a page
from Franz Kafka
The
Feng Shui of Mountain Biking
Adverse or bad Ch'i flows in a straight line. Good Ch'i doesn't and can be
made to
circulate around your bike. But any straight routes will allow good Ch'i to
escape.
This is why riser bars feel better than flats even if they're geometrically
identical.
Mike Davis unlocks the secrets
of an ancient discipline
A
Post-Nuptial Agreement for Bicycle Riders
This agreement
acknowledges that the forthcoming marriage is a legal arrangement
that accepts the perpetual continuity of a pre-existing relationship between
two parties, and that a three-way coexistence shall be created.
And bicycle makes three. Laying the legal groundwork for a ménage à
trois.
Zen
& the Art of Bicycle Maintenance
Apparently a true Zen Master never drops any little (and therefore crucial)
bits
whilst fixing a bicycle. This ability to hold fifteen or so different shaped
and tiny
bike part takes many years of silent meditation and study.
Gordon Stovin learns to keep
some Zen sticks in his saffron apron
Beam
Us Up
If you are ever attacked by aliens, do not cycle on the pavement to avoid
them:
this is annoying to pedestrians and gives cyclists a bad name.
A newsgroup tackles an important issue
500
W. Madison
The bicycle courier is a direct descendent of the cowboys and the gauchos.
Their prestige traced to the matador. His bicycle is directly linked to the
matador's
muleta. The bulls are larger and motorized. He attempts daring passes with
the muleta.
Each pass is pure artistry. It is bravado and skilled deception all at once.
Courier stream-of-consciousness
How
to be Safe
One of the main risks to life these days is death. By taking a few sensible
precautions, this unnecessary risk can be avoided; check the nearest
available exits, wear a cycle helmet, and assume the brace position.
Guy Browning was wearing
a cycle helmet when he wrote this
A
Bike History of Time
Ever since the earth started cooling from a molten ball it's been
creating and influencing the mountain bike world we know and ride through.
Guy Kesteven adds the
bits Steven Hawking forgot
Taming
the Bicycle
The bicycle had what is called the 'wabbles', and had them very badly.
In order to keep my position, a good many things were required of me,
and in every instance the thing required was against nature.
Mark Twain gamely straddles the learning curve
Doug
the Bicycle Courier Finds God at Last
Over time,
the awareness of the futility of human existence may well be bred out of the
race, leaving the existing population slightly dumber but slightly happier.
Those who
survive will be able to cheerfully deny or ignore such unpleasant facts. I
had more
to say on the subject, but somehow it seems to have slipped my mind.
Dave
Till's courier saga
A
Death in the Family
Know my way round a bike. Build wheels. Do all the stuff needed to keep it
off the road.
Even major component surgery. If I have to. But I'm not a slave to it. Blasé.
Wait till it needs it. Then just a bit longer. Which is usually too late.
Nick Wallis. Killed his bike.
Everyone said
he was a quiet type. Kept to himself.
The
Passion Considered as an Uphill Bicycle Race
There are fourteen turns in the difficult Golgotha course.
Jesus took his first spill at the third turn.
His mother, who was in the stands, became alarmed.
The gospel according to Alfred Jarry
A
Cool and Logical Analysis of the Bicycle Menace
Bicycles are top-heavy, have poor brakes, and provide no protection to their
riders.
Bicycles are also made up of many hard and sharp components which, in collision,
can do
grave damage to people and the paint finish on automobiles. Bicycles are dangerous
things.
Come on, P.J., hit us with your best shot
A
Solstice Story
After years and years of constant service, the sun's trusty bicycle was in
dire need of repair.
So, each night the sun would try to repair the bicycle and each morning the
sun would rise
a little later and a little later. And rising later the sun would take a shorter
route
across the sky, further to the south, so as to finish sooner.
Jeff Della Penna on why
you should make
offerings to your bike mechanic
Cyclo-Math
Cyclo-Math
is an obscure branch of mathematics which describes phenomena
which defy all known axioms of Newtonian Physics, and Relativistic
Bicycle Mechanics.
Cyclo-Math accurately describes paranormal phenomena cyclists encounter almost
every ride.
Wade H. Nelson dusts the
chalk from his hands
Splitting
Up
At first I'd lusted over those striking looks, the air of danger and potential,
the lateral stiffness,
the plush travel. It all seemed so right, carving the rocky descents, picking
up lines
that were previously taboo, riding faster, longer and harder; heady days.
Alec MacHenry tries
to rekindle the old passions
SCUL
SCUL
creates bikes that are difficult to control, damaging to knees, and painful
to sit upon.
They
are structurally unsound and easy to crash. We are test pilots of poorly designed
vessels. The single advantage that choppers have over other bikes is that
they are
better at running over empty Burger King shake cups.
Philosophy and Creed from the
Subversive Choppers Urban Legion
Couch
Bike
Pushing the pedals and cruising out of the neighbourhood, felt positively
scintillating.
As he merged onto
the busy parkway, a Leon's furniture truck honked his horn.
"Now that is customer service," thought Doug. "That delivery guy
remembers the day he brought this couch into my life."
The
Riding Forth of Mr Hoopdriver
There is only one phrase to describe his course at this stage, and that is
voluptuous curves.
He did not ride fast, he did not ride straight, an exacting critic might say
he did not ride well.
But he rode generously, opulently, using the whole road and even nibbling
at the footpath.
from 'The Wheels of Chance' by H G Wells
Cycle
Lane
"Not Even as Long as Small Cycle"
The bike icon adorned stretch of colour-adapted tarmac measures 62cm in length.
It is controlled by four sets of traffic lights and is watched 24 hours a
day by CCTV.
The Framley Examiner gets the scoop
Rare
Ultra-Lightweight Supra Cycle for Sale
Be the first to own this fine example of urban design which has throughout
the years
become part of our very culture. The ultra-thin profile gives excellent manoevrability
-
getting you through almost any gap in traffic.
Dr
Maturin's New Object
Once on deck, Stephen busied himself with the contraption, a small machine
that appeared to be no more than a few spars of iron, a length of chain and
two small wheels.
"Mr Brompton has made it for me, a device to ease transport, both on board
and when safely docked;
it can carry small loads and allow of the transportation of men with speed,
ease and silence; think of the uses for your raiding party."
Jolyon Patten channels
Patrick O'Brian
The
Belles-Lettres of Blovius
Of course, I immediately became lost. At one point I even washed up on Clapham
Common,
where my father often found day employment washing small dogs in vats of broth.
Every road offered enthralling new vistas of freedom, subverting my sense
of direction.
My fellow wheelmen and women were obviously a very fit breed.