Cyclists'
Apocrypha
In the beginning God created
the bicycle, saw that it was good, then
went for a nice Sunday ride on the bike lanes He'd made the day before, and
they were good, too, because they were new and He had the angels keep them clear
of debris. Later, of course, God would get cross and have the flood wash all
the good ones away.
And God said to Himself, Let us create man, because cycling is too much fun
to keep to Myself, and so He created man, him did He create, create did He him
do. And God put man in paradise, and commanded him, Glideth upon the earth anywhere
thou wisheth, except for that big hill over there. For on the day thou goeth
down that hill, thou shalt surely die.
And God said, Man needs a companion to keep him from spending too much money
on new bicycles. So God caused man to fall into a deep sleep by asking him if
he wanted to go clothes shopping at the mall, then took a rib from him. Then
God said to Himself, Who am I kidding, I'll never hear the end of it when she
finds out she was just a rib, so He created woman from frankincense and myrrh
and a certain je ne sais quoi.
And God said, Let man have dominion over lathe drills and Philips head screwdrivers,
and let woman have dominion over everything else, and as long as thou art naked
and unashamed, thou might as well be fruitful and multiply.
Lastly, God created the chicken and the egg, in that order, which should clear
up that matter.
Now the serpent, he was a wily one, and he said to woman, Yea, hath God said
you may cycle anywhere but down that hill? And the woman said unto the serpent,
That's about the size of it: go downhill and die. And the serpent said, Ye shall
not surely die, you probably won't even fall off. For God doth know that on
the day you go downhill, you will not need to pedal for a long time. Go on,
give it a try.
And the woman saw that the hill was good, she did
not need to pedal for a long time. She told the man about it, and he also went
downhill. Their eyes were opened, they saw they were naked, and they sewed fig
leaves into padded cycling shorts because sometimes it got bumpy going downhill.
And they heard the voice of God as He was offroad, fully suspended of course,
and they hid their bicycles at the bottom of the hill and started whistling
nervously. And God called unto the man, and said, Where art thou? And the man
said, We art down here. And God said, Hast thou cycled downhill, whereoff I
commanded thee that thou shouldest not? And man said, It was her idea.
And God said unto the woman, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow whilst climbing
hills; in pain shalt thou perch upon thy saddle.
And God said unto the man, Because thou hast harkened unto the voice of thy
wife, cursed is regular bike maintenance. The inner workings of the hub gear
will be beyond thou to repair. In the sweat of thy face shalt thou service thy
freewheel.
And God said, Behold, the man doesn't listen very well, so he kicked him out
of paradise and guarded the entrance with a sign of a picture of a bicycle in
the middle of a red circle. And He had a Cherubim with a flaming sword stop
by a few times a week for good measure.
This is the book of the generations. The first bicycle was a single speed, Godspeed,
but after that it got complicated. Sprockets begat sprockets and cables begat
kinks. Celerifere begat Draisienne begat Macmillan begat Michaux begat Ariel
begat Bayliss Thomas begat Lawson begat Rover begat Boneshaker begat Ordinary
begat Raleigh.
And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth in
a critical mass, God saw that the wickedness of man was great and he did not
like to give way to anyone on the road even his
mother, so He directed Noah to build an ark made out of renewable resources.
There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark every type of bicycle: one
to ride and one for spare parts. And Noah gathered two touring bikes and two
mountain bikes; two recumbents and two tandems; two road racing bikes and two
cross bikes; also four unicycles, just in case there was a misunderstanding,
and a brace of Bromptons, as their folded countenance pleasethed Him. And God
said there might be Some strong winds in the Southeast. And it rained for 40
days and 40 nights, then drizzled for another fortnight.
And God remembered Noah and asswaged the waters, and Noah opened a door on the
ark and set loose Japheth on a unicycle, and God said This is a covenant which
I make between me and you and every living creature: that a man on a unicycle
is a hilarious sight. The waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all
flesh.
A bit later, God spake unto Moses, saying, Here are a few ground rules, I hath
numbered them for thou for easy reference:
I. Thou shalt hold no other races above the Tour
de France.
II. Thou shalt not make unto thee helmets which
cost more than £100.
III. Thou shalt not take My name in vain everytime
thou gettest a flat tyre.
IV. Remember to oil thy chain, to keep it rolling.
V. Honour the Zebra Crossing and those walking
upon the face of it.
VI. Thou shalt not ignore other road users, nor
cycle recklessly upon the pavement.
VII. Thou shalt not steal bicycles.
VIII. Thou shalt not kill, except bicycle thieves.
IX. Thou shalt not hang onto moving cars.
X. Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's new Cannondale,
nor his groupset, nor his £3000 mtb, nor even his stylish shades.
Forget not the Titanium Rule: Signal unto others as thou wouldst have others
signal unto thou.
And moving right along, there came four horsemen of the Apocalypse,
and they were the Taxicab Driver, and the Motorcycle Messenger, and the White
Van Man, and the Man Opening a Car Door Without Looking.
Amen