Zen & the Art of Bicycle Maintenance
by Gordon Stovin

In the grand tradition of the novel with a similar name, this isn't remotely about proper Zen Buddhism, and it's not intended to be much about bicycle maintenance, either.

Now I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a very good wrench monkey. I'm not that handy with the old hammers, spanners and allen keys. Come to think of it, I don't even know what some of the tools do. But they look so cool. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't remotely interested in bicycle maintenance but, unfortunately, I am mesmerised by it all.

This is probably one of the reasons I am into fixed gears and singlespeeds and tend to shun anything 'boingy'. These simple machines suit my love/hate relationship with bicycle mechanics by limiting my scope for getting 'all mechanical'. So greasing and tightening stuff or fixing punctures tends to be the most I do. However, there are those out there who appear to hold infinite wisdom. Zen Masters.

After a long and arduous journey to a cold and faraway place -- well, Berkshire -- I recently got the chance to watch a true Zen Master bicycle mechanic in action as he built up my bicycle out of a bunch of greasy parts. Here's what I learnt from my journey:

Apparently a true Zen Master never drops any little (and therefore crucial) bits whilst fixing a bicycle. This ability to hold fifteen or so different shaped and tiny bike part takes many years of silent meditation and study. Patience much be exercised when such a widget is lost. Getting out your 'Zen sticks' and giving the bicycle a good thrashing will not lead to true enlightenment. You will just break your stick or the bicycle. Spare gubbins are the answer when these important bits are sacrificed to the cycling Buddhas.

When fixing other people's bicycle -- something which in encouraged for Zen masters -- the mechanic must take great care to answer all questions that the younger or less experienced observer (or customer) might have. Again, true Zen Masters will always be patient and calm despite the often endless questioning he or she might endure. Never will the Zen Master reply by saying "It's magic" or "Just because it does OK. Now stop bloody asking all these stupid questions!" The liberal use of Zen sticks to quieten the observers is frowned upon.

On the path to ultimate knowledge, the Zen Master will acquire a great many skills. They will be able to build headsets from soda cans and identify the source of any offensive squeaking part on your cycle by silent meditation alone. They will also be versed in the ancient scriptures of wheel building and understand the lost art of being able to calculate spoke lengths correctly. Zen Masters' wheels will never resemble pringles, their gears will always be indexed and their brakes will always be 'dialled'. If a Zen Master is found to have a bicycle with dodgy shifting or squeaky brakes, then other Zen Maters are allowed to re-educate the offender using their Zen sticks. As long as no-one else is looking.

Furthermore, the true Zen Master will nearly always wear their robes and can be identified by the Park label on their apron. (Black aprons are favoured over saffron as they don't show the grease as much.) Although shaven heads are not compulsory in most holy places (bicycle shops), shaved legs in the summer (at least) are de rigueur. Goatee beards are also encouraged by the elders (retired roadies who have travelled to Italy and returned with bicycles weighing less than two full water bottles). Naturally, they all carry their Zen sticks which will carry a label such as Kryptonite or Acme Pickaxe Handle Co.

Lastly, the Zen Master will never ask you to contemplate the sound of one hand clapping. Such people are false prophets. They are much more likely to say, "Make yourself useful and make me a brew [mug of tea] before I give you a seeing to with my Zen stick."

Ommmmmmanipadmehummmmmmmmm.